The personhood of fatherhood

Pastor Jay Petrella
Graceham Moravian Church

(6/1) Because Father’s Day is this month, I figured I’d write a few words on the topic. But as I sat down to do so, I discovered the topic is more difficult to write about than I originally thought.

No one’s experiences around fatherhood are identical. No individual is exactly the same as anyone else, which means no fathers are exactly the same. Some of you reading this article are fathers of small children, adult children, or both. There are people who have very close relationships with their children, while others fall somewhere between distant to estranged. Others are fathers through their own biological means with their partners, or adoptive parents. Others are teachers, mentors, etc. who have willfully taken on a father-like role for young people.

Some of you don’t have kids, despite all efforts and desire toward that end. Or perhaps it is a medical impossibility. Tragically there are no small number of people who suffered greatly by their father’s presence or absence. Then there are those who have tragically lost children. For these the very subject of fatherhood might be a painful one.

Or perhaps you count yourself among those who want absolutely nothing to do with being a father.

All of this to acknowledge "fatherhood" is a diverse and complicated topic. Therefore, any attempt at a simplified, black and white portrayal of fatherhood will likely overly flatter some, betray or insult others, and marginalize everyone else. Further, I can only speak from my own perspective and I understand my perspective is not everyone’s.

So instead of waxing poetic the virtues of fatherhood allow me to simply reflect on my personal experiences and hope that there is something in there that perhaps you can identify with as well.

I must say right from the get-go, if there is another situation in life where feelings of such tremendous joy and fear intersect as at the birth of one’s first child, I don’t know what that situation would be.

Joy on the one hand, at seeing this new life before you. A human being that shares half your genetic code, a life created in part because of you, stares back at you for the first time. The beauty and wonder of the moment for some is beyond words.

Fear on the other hand, because, well, this tiny human that is half of you and from you is completely dependent upon you for survival. A child needs to be fed regularly and frequently, kept at proper temperature, kept clean, handled carefully, and proper amounts of sleep must be ensured. The child’s medical health and developmental milestones need to be closely monitored so any problems can be quickly addressed, and future complications minimized. The child will need mental, emotional, developmental, financial, and educational support. All of this and more needs to be attended to, not just for the afternoon or the weekend, but for the next 18 years or more. It’s not like at your job during a busy time where you just hang in there and push through knowing that at the end of the week or month, the project will be finished so you’ll be able to put your feet up and rest. Oh no. That little child will need fed, loved and cared for no matter how tired you get, day and night, every day. You are a parent until the day you die. That wrinkly, swaddled, tiny, human staring up at you is completely helpless and wholly dependent on you.

As if that were not enough, here comes the soul searching. In some ways as a single, childless adult your mistakes are your own. Previously, if I made some stupid decisions and burned my life down, well that’d be on me and I’d suffer the consequences. As a father, choices in many ways have higher stakes because the consequences of one’s missteps and dumb decisions will invariably spill over onto one’s kids. This innocent child could be harmed by a single misstep.

Next there’s the introspection where I wonder what harmful biases and prejudices my heart yet harbors but of which I am yet unaware and therefore at risk of inadvertently passing on to my child? What unhealthy biases am I still working to overcome and therefore also at risk of passing on to that innocent little one? "Don’t screw it up," you think to yourself. "This tiny human is depending on you." Talk about fear.

Now by this point maybe I’ve said a few things that you have experienced for yourself and can identify with. Maybe you think I’ve lost my mind and nothing I have said thus far reflects your experience of fatherhood, parenthood or personhood. Whatever the case, it’s okay. Our families are made up of people and people come in every size, shape, color, and configuration under the sun. Therefore the structures, systems, and dynamics of our families come in every size, shape, color, and configuration. But one commonality for all families is that there is no perfect family. This is because there are no perfect people. No perfect people means no perfect parent, means no perfect father.

That imperfection can bring about beauty but it can also bring anxiety. Father or not, we will all make mistakes in this life. We will all make mistakes we don’t even realize are mistakes. We will all from time to time be on the receiving end of other people’s mistakes. This is a certainty. No one escapes this life unscathed, and every one of us will do some scathing.

What are we to say about this fact? Are we all doomed? Will all of us fathers doom our children with our doomedness? Are we all hopelessly doomed by everyone else’s doomedness?

Personally, I don’t think so. I think this view of ourselves and the world is too pessimistic even for pessimists. "Where’s the hope," you ask?

Well first of all, each of us have a responsibility to ourselves and everyone who has to interact with us, to self-improve. Our education doesn’t end at our high school or college graduation. We should always be in the process of learning more. Growing, maturing, expanding our understanding and empathy. We should seek not only to understand the world around us, but the world within us as well. We need to understand and come to terms with ourselves, weeding out the beliefs, habits and tendencies that cause us and others harm. By doing so, we become better people, which in turn improves our relationships with others, our children, marriages and our communities. There is hope in the fact that we can do and be better.

But our greatest hope of course lies with God. As God’s children we are not promised a life on earth free from the consequences of our and others sins. Jesus himself wasn’t even exempt from this. But through Jesus one day our imperfection will be made perfect. Our fleeting lives will be given eternity. Our flaws and hurts healed.

The only thing for us to do in the meantime is to grow in wisdom, peacefulness, and love. That with the time we have on this earth we can be better fathers, friends, citizens. Better human beings.