I'd like to think I'm
not alone, and that everyone else is getting
sick and tired of what has turned into a
torrent of Spam e-mails.
It wasn't that long
ago that web junkies were the folks who got
two or three e-mails a day, now one can
easily get that in a few hours. Back then,
e-mails were private notes to friends,
family updates, review of one's day.
Today, they are almost exclusively re-tread
jokes, 'thump your chest if you're an
American - now lets go kill some Arabs'
diatribes, invitations to raunchy sex sites,
and ads proclaiming the sure fired cure to
all your problems: from un-insurability to
un-ability.
Yesterday, you read
every word and saved them away. Today, you
browse the heading and delete them. And then
we have the viruses ...
Would someone please
explain to me why the masters of the
Internet have not figured out how to control
that W32.Elkern virus or whatever its
called yet? You know, the one that is
attached to one out of every four e-mails with
various subject headings and this in the
body:
"This is
a very nice game,
This game is my first work.
You're the first player.
I expect you would like it."
Come on, what dummy
clicks on something like that, or for that
matter an e-mail with a subject heading: "Happy
New Epiphany! ... click on the attachment
for a special surprise ...," Surprise my
ass. Who are these clowns? They spend all
this time perfecting the 'virus of the
decade' and don't even take the time to have
their subject headings reviewed by an
English Editor? Come on guys! At least try
to get the English right!
Now if the subject of
the e-mail had been: "Hello: I understand
you're into horses, attached for your review
are photos of several horses for sale," I
would have clicked on it, even with a return
of
thisviruswillwipeyourcdrive@youranidiot.com, and so would every other horse nut and
just about every woman that got it.
In today's world a good virus checker is a must, but
while they will protect your computer, they
also slow it down to the point you swear
you're working back in DOS days. So I
run with my virus checked off. In a
way, hunting for viruses can become fun, and
it's more sporting then going out and
blowing away some helpless animal with a
12-gage with some drunk buddies at night.
Like in the days of old, when our prey would
just as soon eat us, he who strikes first,
lives. It you don't get the virus, it'll get
you.
Most viruses do
nothing more then replicate themselves and
send themselves out to friends and families.
On the other hand, some will convince your
computer it's a washing machine stuck on the
rinse cycle. I find the latter far more
preferable than the former. At least in the
latter, no one knows you're an idiot,
whereas with the former, everyone knows
you're an idiot!
Speaking of idiots,
it never fails to amaze me the people who
fall for the old bogus virus alerts. This
always come from someone you know, not high
up on the computer evolutionary scale, who
just found out that their computer had a new
virus that was undetectable by their current
checker, and you had better check yours for
it too. You are then given detailed
instructions on how to find the file, to
ignore the message warning telling you
you're messing with the computer's main
operating files, and then you're supped to
find the file with an icon like a bear and
delete it! Holy cow! What idiot would do such
a thing, and then be brainless enough to
tell all their friends to do the same thing.
It would be one
thing had they really deleted something
important, then they could be considered a
victim, but instead, they end up deleting
the most useless file they can. Fresh from
their 12-gage-shot-gunning of their kids pet
rabbit in its cage, they boast about it to
everyone they ever corresponded with via
e-mail. I never miss the opportunity to sham
the sender of these e-mails in front of all
their friends. Hitting reply to all, I make
sure, as tactfully as I can, that the sender
is aware they have fallen for the oldest
hoax around, a hoax only nitwits and West
Virginians fall for, and then offer to send
them the file.
One can judge the
circle someone runs in by the number of
requests from other recipients of the
warning letter, who followed the sender's
advice, and deleted the file in question.
You're in the upper circle if no one
responds - mostly because they haven't a clue
how a computer works and hired a consultant
to run it down. You're middle class if 20%
of the recipients delete the file - mostly
from people who, while they would never
admit it, think the government is using
their computer to spy on them, and you're in
the lower class if 50% of the e-mails come
back undeliverable, and all of them are with
hotmail accounts like: truckgirl@ or
fattruck@, or the favorite of every
blue-blooded red neck girl: fattruckgirl@hotmail.com.
While virus writers
annoy me, Spam authors insult me.
To their credit,
most Spams, are well written, and some so
well designed that they are worth looking at
for that very reason. Some are entertaining,
most are not. Most are trying to sell you
something, those who are not, are trying to
lend you the money to buy it. Today
for example, I got:
- 6 offers dealing
with herbal remedies to improve my
personal performance (I wonder if they
have been talking to my wife?);
- 3 debt
consolidation loans (I wonder if I can use
them to negotiate with my bank and cut my
mortgage payment?);
- 4 "Hey, the web
cam in my dorm room is on ..." (I bet her
mom and dad don't know she's doing that!);
- 7, count them 7,
unsolicited e-mail offering me sure fire
ways to cash in on US Government grants
(hum ... I wonder if I should have used
the term 'Unsolicited" in the web cam one
above?): and,
- 5 invitations to
porn sites who claim I entered my name on
their opt-in mailing list (Like I would
use my own name - Duh?! That is of course
if I ever logged into one of those sites,
which I would never do ... well unless I
went to it just to add some spammers name
to their mailing list as payback - but I
don't look at the pictures, honest!
Really!)
And my personal
favorite
I could deal with
one or two a day, but 29 a day? Talk about a
bunch of idiots with a lemming mind set. I
can see their marketing strategy meeting
now: "Ok, people hate us and delete our
mailing, so we need to send out even more
and hope two will be read this year ..."
These people want us to hate them. Come to
think of it, I think they are the only group
officially sanctioned to be hated by
National Council of Churches, save lawyers
of course.
If you could easily
get off the mailing list, one could almost
see a reason for Spam. Fortunately, most
legitimate Internet marketing companies
offer just such an option. Yet so many dire
warnings have been circulated that they
serve only to validate your e-mail address,
and that their use will result in more Spam,
few dare use them. What a great way to scare
people! And like sheep led to slaughter, we
listen to them!
Until recently
however. As I said in the opening, I'd like
to think I'm not alone, and that everyone
else is getting sick and tired of what has
turned into a torrent of Spam e-mails. So
ignoring the dire warning, this week I
launched into a full scale attack on
unsolicited e-mail. I click on every link
that said "un-subscribe," and for those that
actually worked, I opted out. That also cut
my Spam nearly in half.
For those e-mail
whose un-subscribe link didn't work, which
is increasingly becoming a larger and larger
percentage, I looked up the owner of the web
site (a true mark of a geek), and sent them
a nasty note, threatening all sorts of legal
action against them for violating
anti-Spamming law.
If that doesn't get
their attention, I threaten to log
into porn sites using their e-mail - that is
I used to until I discovered someone else had beaten
me to it. Instead, I now threaten the
Internet equivalent of dropping the nuclear
bomb: log into E-Bay and sign up for every
e-mail notification list offered using their
e-mail address. That always gets someone's
attention.
