The other half of the hero

Devin Owen
MSMU Class of 2026

(11/2024) We often do not take into consideration the other half of the lives in which veterans live. We hear the stories and honor the hard work, dedication, and lives lost through battles and wars, but what about those left behind at home? We honor veterans also for the sacrifices they had to make, but they were not the only ones making sacrifices for the good of their country. The wives and children of veterans also made certain sacrifices.

During Mount’s Fall Break, I had the opportunity to go home and talk with my family about their own experiences. If you have been a reader of my articles prior to this one, you may know that my grandfather served in the Vietnam war. He recently passed in December 2022. As many good things as I have to say about my grandfather, I can unfortunately also say that he and I did not have as close of a relationship as I do with my grandmother.

When I brought up the topic of what sacrifices had to be made during Grandpop’s time away to my grandmother, she said that this is a topic that is incredibly hard to talk about, and that it was also a time that she doesn’t like to look back on. Nobody talks about the hardships that the families of veterans have to face once they leave. Sometimes the distance tears you apart and sometimes you don’t know who will be returning to you. In part, it’s a portion of your heart walking away and you’re unsure of when, or if, they will be coming back. It is also your partner leaving for long periods of time, putting one in the position of taking on the reality of life’s hardships alone.

It’s important to note that war changes people; the person who left may not be who returns to you. Not only were lives lost, but so were limbs, mobility and other areas of physical health that took a huge blow. Not to mention the toll it takes on mental health. My grandfather spent the rest of his life living with his PTSD and while it was manageable, it wasn’t ever ‘pretty.’ So, when I say that you don’t always know the person returning to you, it’s because war fundamentally changes people in numerous ways.

In a discussion with my mother over Fall Break I had asked her, "What was your childhood like when Grandpop was gone during the war?" It was a hard question for her to even answer. She had looked at me for a moment, in thought, and then responded, "Honestly Dev, I couldn’t tell you. I don’t remember much about that time. I didn’t see Grandpop or really even know him for a good portion of my childhood." Frankly, I was completely taken aback—what did she mean that she didn’t know him? She speaks of Grandpop in such a loving and revered way that I couldn’t fathom how she couldn’t have known him. It makes sense though when you think about it; my mom was born in 1969, and the war was still a few years prior to being over. Between my grandfather’s tours as a paratrooper and his job as a tugboat captain, he sacrificed a lot of time with his kids and wife, and he lost out on the opportunity to create a strong bond with them.

Consider the concept of ‘skin-to-skin contact,’ it’s a form of bonding between mother and child. In recent years, it has also become more common upon fathers and their newborns. Given that my grandpop served numerous tours as a paratrooper in Vietnam, he wasn’t home to have these kinds of bonding experiences. As my mother said, "I spent the whole first year of my life without my father. We didn’t get to have that bonding experience and form that comfort with one another. When he came back, he was essentially a stranger to me and that period of adjustment was hard for everybody." Not only was he gone so much because of the war, but he was also a tugboat captain, so he’d be gone from home due to this as well. So, once he was home from the war, it was still difficult to form a relationship with him because "once I started to get to know him, he’d be gone again for work."

My mom and my uncle were Irish twins, meaning they were born not even a year apart. So, within the time that my mom was an infant, my grandfather had come home for a period for "R&R" and then when he left again for another tour, my grandmother was pregnant with my uncle. My grandmother spent years as a single mother essentially. Given the circumstances, she relied heavily on her own parents to help her take care of things. She took on the brunt of the work at home, as a mother, and in her field of work, as a nurse with Beebe Hospital. As we have learned in today’s society, it is okay to ask for help, but during this period it felt as if it was harder to do so.

It is no easy feat taking on the role of both parents and the breadwinner of the household. My grandmother made numerous sacrifices in order to take care of her children and support the lifestyle in which they had. She raised two wonderful children who have gone on to raise their own children. In the midst of all of the chaos of their lives, she sacrificed her own happiness and time in order to give her kids the life she believed they deserved. She has shown immense strength, determination, and perseverance all through her life. I’m beyond proud to know her and call her family. It takes a certain kind of fortitude to stay standing after all of this, and she has done so with a gracefulness I envy.

This November, take time to honor the veterans who have made sacrifices for love of country. But also, take a moment to honor the spouses and children still at home who have made sacrifices for love of country AND for love of their partner. It takes a special kind of resilience to be able to make the sacrifices my grandmother—and many other military spouses—have made over the years.