Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but…
Jefferson Breland
(10/2021) Words can never hurt me. This childhood retort is curiously relevant to this month’s Complementary Corner. On the face of it, the chant is wrong. Words can definitely hurt and yet, they don’t have to… with practice.
In August’s column, I introduced a distinction between necessary and unnecessary suffering. In last month’s column, I followed that up by getting more specific about how our beliefs can lead to unnecessary suffering and the power of not knowing (for certain) and saying, "Maybe?" to our thoughts or opinions about people or events which show up differently than we expected or want them to.
The most basic difference between the two broad categories of suffering is necessary suffering tends to be more ‘external," the "life happens" variety and unnecessary suffering is more "internal" and is created by our wanting life and the people in it to be different than they are. This unnecessary suffering is based on our beliefs of how life should be: society, business, government/politics, laws, religion, the price of gasoline, people’s daily behavior, and even the weather.
According to the website, theworldcounts.com, the current number of human beings on planet Earth is approximately 7.9 billion. That is 7.9 billion ways of doing life differently. That is potentially 7.9 billion different opinions about any one thing. With so different possible differences of doing and thinking, I think it’s a miracle that we can agree on anything, even the most basic concepts, like colors, what is up/down, east/west/north/south, and the like. And yes, these ideas are agreements made long ago and passed down as "truths." Given the number of languages and cultural differences around the world how we humans do anything together is a miracle.
One thing on which we might agree is most of us will have an opinion about what we see, hear, taste, touch, and smell. Each of us will create a story, a thought, about what we perceive. In our stories, we often attach an assessment of the quality, the appropriateness, the morality, the intelligence, the stupidity, the "rightness," the "wrongness," success or failure, the "goodness," the "badness," etc, including the appropriate length of a list or use of a thesaurus.
All this to point out, most of us have something to say about almost everything and anything. Sometimes, someone will share with us their opinion of us. Sometimes these opinions are positive. Other times, these opinions are of the negative variety.
If someone doesn’t like our looks, clothes, driving ability, job skills, parenting skills, children, our spouse, home, choice of political affiliation, choice of religion, lineage, color of our skin… you name it and someone will have a negative opinion about it. If that someone shares their opinions in an unkind way those toxic words can shape a person’s life in a profoundly negative ways.
Some of us who hear negative opinions will feel physical and emotional pain. We will form negative opinions about ourself. We will believe what was said no matter how untrue it was. We will shut down parts of our being because someone just had to open their mouth. Why do we do this even when we know we are fundamentally good people and may even have a positive self-image?
Well, scientific studies and common sense have shown us that humans tend to weigh negative information approximately five times greater than positive information. One of the names given to this concept is Negativity Bias.
One theory is "Negativity Bias" developed evolutionarily over many, many, millennia as a tool to survive the dangers of the wilderness which until relatively recent times was almost all of the planet. We learned to be wary of anything that might harm us like poisonous or spiky and hurtful plants and animals, and where they lived in nature; like dodgeball on a prehistoric playground. "Negativity Bias" is pervasive in our psyche and is linked to our "flight, fight, or freeze" responses of our Sympathetic Nervous System.
So, what can we do about this ancient predilection I am linking to a childhood adage and unnecessary suffering?
Please know that you have a choice about what you believe. You also have the choice to not believe. This may not be self-evident when words of others get under our skin and hurt us deeply. Here are several tools that may help us choose how we feel about ourselves.
A radical idea I learned about several years ago is, "Nothing is personal unless you let it be so." Let me rephrase that, "Nothing is personal unless you make it personal." Let me rephrase that again, "Nothing is personal unless you choose to make it personal."
What? I choose to feel bad? This leads us back to "Negative Bias." The choice is invisible and happens almost as fast as the speed of light. As children we may not have the tools to believe and understand this and let go of the opinions of peers and adults, especially parents. As we get older and develop a knowing of ourselves, we can begin at anytime to begin the process of letting go of the opinions of others that don’t serve us. We can begin to examine our lives and redefine ourselves. It is never too late to know that we can begin the process of our own healing. I invite you to look into the teachings of Byron Katie. She has developed a formal process called "The Work" which helps us become aware of our beliefs that may be harmful to us. The first two questions Katie asks us to ask of ourself are: "Is it true?", "Is it really true?". The Work has helped many, many people.
Another tool that helps me is to remember the speaking always says more about the speaker than what or who is spoken about. Our speaking is a reflection of our beliefs and our expectations. If we don’t fit conveniently into another person’s thinking and they say something about us; that is entirely on them. It has nothing to do with us. We are simply the occasion for them to spew their upset related to their thoughts. We just happen to be there. It is not fair and it happens quite often.
Another tool I that helps me not believe what others say is, "All words are made up." Words by their very nature are an abstraction. They are not what they describe. There is what happens and what we say about what happens. Is what we say true? Is it really true? Sometimes, if it accurately describes what is observed without blame or judgement. Many times it is an opinion that does not accurately reflect what was observed.
This Autumn, as nature spins toward Winter, trees remind us that we can change as they do. As the trees let go of leaves, we can begin to let go of hurtful beliefs and thoughts. We can begin let go of what no longer serves us. And this takes practice, it is not a one walk dog. We must be committed to our own healing over and over again, until we no longer create suffering with the negative thoughts and ideas of other people.
Can you think of any thoughts or beliefs that create suffering in you? Write them down. Make a list. When you do this, you can see literally that they are not a part of you. The words came from outside of you. They were given to you by someone’s speaking and thoughtlessness and misunderstanding. Seeing the words on the page are a visual reminder where the words came from and you can release them. Tear up the list, destroy it, bury it if you like. Most importantly recognize that those words are not you.
Finally, remember that our words can hurt and they can heal. Choose your words carefully. Please do not add your words to the continuum of hurtfulness and unnecessary suffering.
