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• I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb .... and I also know that I'm not blonde. - Dolly Parton
• You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. - Erica Jong
• I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. - Rita Rudner
• I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. - Wendy Liebman
• Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - Erma Bombeck
• If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. - Sue Grafton
• I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. - Roseanne Barr
• I think-therefore I'm single. - Lizz Winstead
• When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. - Elayne Boosler
• Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson
• I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. - Gilda Radner
• In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. - Margaret Thatcher
• I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem
• Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. - Gloria Steinem
• I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night. - Marie Corelli
• Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths. -Baroness Edith-Summerskill
• If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? - Linda Ellerbee
• I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.
  

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• Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.
• Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
• Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need you to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
• Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
• Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
• Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it, never once thinking to change the channel at the TV. (Although, one time, I was able to survive by holding a calculator.)
• Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger -- I mean, how the hell could he know where we're going?
• Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or ...well...sex. Although I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.
• Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my Mom, too!!
• Because I'm a man, I am capable of announcing, "One more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. Like, what's the connection?
• Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
• Because I'm a man, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.
• Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
• Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the new Millennium, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the dishes, and oh, I almost forgot, the kids. But hey, Baby, I do the rest, OK?

~ This has been ~ A public service message for women, to better understand the male animal.
 

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"I don’t think so."

Submitted by Jen, Littlestown, Md.
 

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1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

LUNCH:
small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey Kiss

AFTERNOON TEA:
the rest of the Kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen Daas Ice Cream with choc-chip topping

DINNER:
4 bottles of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size Supreme Pizza
3 Snickers Bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK:
Whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

Remember: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS 'DESSERTS'

Submitted by Jen, Littlestown, Pa.
 

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Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.

Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: They don't stop and ask for directions.

Q: What do men and sperm have in common?
A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer.

Q: What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A: The bonds mature.

Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?
A: So men can remember them.

Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know; it has never happened.

Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A: They all already have boyfriends.

Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A: A widow.

Q: When do you care for a man's company?
A: When he owns it.

Q: What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A: A mink in the closet, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.

Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Q: How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? 
A: His hand caught fire.

Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes.

Q: What did God say after creating man?
A: I must be able to do better than that.

Q: What did God say after creating Eve?
A: Practice makes perfect.

Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A: They're married.
  

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• We got off the Titanic first.
• We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
• We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
• We can cry and get off speeding fines.
• We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
• Taxis stop for us.
• We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
• Free drinks, free dinners, free movies (you get the point).
• New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
• No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
• We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
• If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
• We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.
• We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
• If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
• We have the ability to dress ourselves.
• We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
• If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
• There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
• We'll never regret piercing our ears.
• We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
• We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonder bra.

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WOMEN:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

MEN:

1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in backyard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil on gasket first
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because the wrench hits the Miss December(1992) poster on the wall.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. 36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands.
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Drive car.

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A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign!"

The woman continued, "And look at this; here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."
 

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• Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
• Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
• Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
• All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow instead of a gun.
• A good place to meet men is at the dry cleaners. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
• All men hate to hear, " We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkoph.
• Men are sensitive. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
• Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, sleep next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
• Men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of the department store, two inches from the door.
• If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad has more that 3 ingredients he's serious.
• When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
• Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
• Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. With male menopause, you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles or sports cars.
• Men forget everything: women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports.

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One day, in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But ... he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about.

He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What's the catch, Lord?"

"Well ... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret...

You know, woman to woman."
 

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Note: Real men will answer "C" to ALL of these questions. Knowing this, women will come a long way in understanding men and will enrich their own lives if they carefully consider the "C" answers.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

1. Present it to the President of the United States.
2. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
3. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

1. Innocence.
2. Idealism.
3. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

1. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
2. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
3. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon, the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married, only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

1. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
2. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
3. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.

6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

1. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
2. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
3. Tell her what?

7. One weekday morning, your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

A. "What do they like to eat for breakfast?"
B. "What time do they need to be at school?"
C. "There are three of them?"

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• Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
  A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
   
• Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
  A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
   
• Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
  A. Who cares?
   
• Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? 
  A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
   
• Q. When would you care for a man's company?
  A. When he owns it.
   
• Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
  A. Three, if you slice them very thinly.
   
• Q. Why do men get married?
  A. So they don't have to hold their stomachs in any more.
   
• Q. What are a woman's four favorite animals?
  A. A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, tiger in the bedroom, and a jackass to pay for it all.
   
• Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
  A. Put the remote control between his toes.
   
• Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
  A. So men can remember them.
   
• Q. Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
  A. So they can find their way back to the house.
   
• Q: Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
  A: Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.

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