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| One day, three little pigs went to a fancy restaurant. When they reached their table, their server asked them what they would like
to drink.
"I would like a large glass of Coke," replied the first little pig.
"I would like a large glass of Sprite," said the second little pig.
"I would like a large glass of water," laughed the third little pig.
After the server returned with their drinks, he asked what they would like to eat.
"I'd like a big juicy steak," replied the first pig.
"I'd like a big crispy hamburger," said the second pig.
"I'd like a large glass of water," laughed the third pig.
After the waitress brought them their meals, he asked water they would like for desert.
"I'd like a big chocolate sundae," replied the first pig.
"I'd like a big slice of Hershey pie," said the second pig.
"I'd like a large glass of water," laughed the third pig.
So the server brought them their desserts.
" Just out of curiosity, why do you always drink water?" asked the server.
" Because I'm the little pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home."
Submitted by Marie, Dayton, Ohio
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| One day, two snakes were slithering along... ...and the first snake bumped his head on a rock.
"Are we poisonous?" he asked the other snake.
"I don't know, why?" replied the second snake.
"Because I bit my lip."
Submitted by Marie, Dayton, Ohio
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It's a Dog's Life...
- "If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." - Will Rogers
- "We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made." - M. Facklam
- "The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue." - Anonymous
- "Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard." - Dave Barry
- "Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog." - Franklin P. Jones
- "If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise." - Unknown
- "I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl." - Penny Ward Moser
- "A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." - Robert Benchley
- "No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." - Fran Lebowitz
- "I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." - Rita Rudner
- "My dog is worried about the economy because
Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." - Joe
Weinstein"
- "Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." - Ann Landers
- "There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." - Ben Williams
- "A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." - Josh Billings
- "The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." - Andrew A. Rooney
- "Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we are the greatest hunters on earth!" -Anne Tyler
- "If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." - James Thurber
- "Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!" - Dr. Tony Maklin
- "Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." - Robert Heinlin
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| My sister-in law is from Oklahoma and has a slight accent.
She has cats and when she lived in the south she would take them to the groomers and have what is called a Line Cut. To her a line cut is when all of the fur hanging down below the cat's tummy is taken off (because it gets matted or snarled).
When she moved to Chicago with my brother, one of the cats fur got all tangled up during the move so she took it in for a line cut. She was quite surprised when she heard the price as it was twice as much as it was down south. She confirmed with the groomer that he
understood what a line cut was and he said "yes, I know what a LION cut is." It seems her accent came out sounding like LION not LINE and this is how her cat was returned to her.
She cried for a week...but not as much as the cat. It was November in Chicago and the cat needed all the fur it had."
- Gas in car to go to groomers $4.50
- Cat car carrier $32.99
- Grooming fee $80.00
- Getting the look from one seriously pissed off cat Priceless!
Submitted by Jamie, Frederick, Md.
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Reflection on life with dogs ...
- Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant." -- Unknown
- "Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -- Ann Landers
- "Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -- Robert A. Heinlein
- "In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." -- Dereke Bruce
- "There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -- Ben Williams
- "When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." -- Edward Abbey
- "Cat's Motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." -- Unknown
Submitted by Dr. Patty, Ringoes, NJ.
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Dog Letters to God ...
- Dear God ... Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?
- Dear God ... When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
- Dear God ... Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray &the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the
Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle?
- Dear God ... If a dog barks his head off in the forest, & no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
- Dear God ... If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?
- Dear God ... More meatballs & less spaghetti, please?
- Dear God ... When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
- Dear God ... Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon & stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the schnauzer across the street!
- Dear God ... Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
- Dear God ... We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields & Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Submitted by Patty, Ringoes, NJ.
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These are 'real' breeds of dog, as collected from license applications and want forms at a US dog shelter:
- Cavalier Cocker Spaniard
- King James Spaniel
- Westminster Terrier
- Rhode Island Ridgeback
- Palmeranian
- Copper Spaniel
- Cocker Spaniard
- Black Labrador (from a license app, dog's color was yellow)
- Dorky Terrier
- Lopso Apso
- El Paso (attempt at Lhasa Apso)
- Highland Heeler
- Alaskan Malibu
- Belgian Manawa
- Belgium Malenoise
- Basket Hound Bagel
- Welch Corgi
- Wild Haired Terrier
- Carrion Terrier
- Wineamimer
- Rockwelders (of course we know that should be Rockwilder)
- Rottenwiler
- Great Pekingese (supposed to be Pyrenees)
- Great Pyramid
- Miniature Datsun
- Irish Settler
- Jack Daniels Terrier
- German Police Man
- Chesapeake A Retriever
- Borderline Collie
- Chevy King Charles (Cavalier King Charles Spaniel)
- Goverment Pinscher
Submitted by Gary, Emmitsburg, Md.
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Inner Strength
- If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
- If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
- If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
- If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
- If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
- If you can overlook when people take things out
- on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
- If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
- If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
- If you can conquer tension without medical help,
- If you can relax without liquor,
- If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
- If you can do all these things, ..........
Then You Are Probably the Family Dog...
Submitted by Jean, Spokane, Wa.
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Dogs' Pet Peeves About Humans
- Blaming your farts on me ... not funny.
- Yelling at me for barking ... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!!
- How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone.
- Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway?
- Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose ... stop it.
- Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.
- The slight-of-hand-fake-fetch-throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit!
Submitted by Julie, Middleburg, VA.
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