. . . by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into. The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead. "Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead. "No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!" "OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. "Look," the Blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it . . ."
 

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. . . and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boy friend is buying me flowers again.....for no reason."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The brunette says, "Oh sure.....but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
 

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The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang -- but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh dear!", the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to your other ear?"

"The guy called back!"

Submitted by Dave, Emmitsburg, Md.
  

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. . . He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

I'm, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

Submitted by Marianna, Colombia, Md.
 

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• My blond girlfriend was so dumb she . . .

. . . Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope
. . .Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
. . . Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button
. . . Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.

• After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms
• What goes vroom-screech-vroom-screech', etc? A blonde at a flashing red light
• Two blondes are trying to get into their car using a coat hanger when one says, "Hurry, it's starting to rain and the top is down"
• Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and asks, "Where?"
• Q: How do you recognize a blonde at the airport? A: She's the one throwing bread at the airplanes.
• One day, a man comes home from work and finds his blonde wife leaning over the kitchen sink and crying. He said, "Honey, what's wrong?" She said between sniffles, "I...I dropped the ice cubes on the floor, and then I rinsed them off in hot water, and now I can't find them!"

And finally...

A brunette and a blonde were speeding down the street when they passed a cop. "Oh no!" replied the brunette. "Is he following me?" "Yep," replied the blonde.

"I'm going to drive down this little side road, okay?" said the brunette. "Yep," replied the blonde.

"Is the cop still following me?" "Yep."

"Is his lights on?" "Yep, nope, yep, nope, yep, nope..."

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas, Tx.
 

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. . . When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying "T-G-I-F".

He smiled at her and replied "S-H-I-T". She looked at him, puzzled, and said "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering "S-H-I-T".

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possible, "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T".

The blonde finally decided to explain things and this time she said "T-G-I-F........... T-hank G-oodness I-ts F-riday; get it?"

The man answered "S-H-I-T," "S-orry H-oney, I-ts Thursday"
 

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• she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
• she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
• she thought a quarterback was a refund.
• she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
• she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
• she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
• she thought General Motors was in the army.
• she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
• she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
• under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On
  Phonics."
• she tripped over a cordless phone.
• she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it
  said "concentrate."
• she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
• at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she
  put "Sagittarius."
• she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
• she studied for a blood test.
• she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
• she sold the car for gas money!
• when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
• when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport
  Left," she turned around and went home.
• when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home,
  she moved.
• she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
• if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
• she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
• she had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front"

Submitted by Peggy, Germantown, Md.
 

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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she strips naked from her neck down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs new clothes!" She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. Then hollers... "YES! I WIN! I WIN!" With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!" 
 

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. . . so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." 

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"  The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." 

"From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping."
 

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. .. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car." 

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore." 

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."
 

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• So there's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoohoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."

• Two blondes were walking through the woods and came upon a set of tracks. One blonde said that they were deer tracks. The other blonde said that they were moose tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit 'em.

• A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?" "The jerk called back!"

• A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!  Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!" "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

• The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?" The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

• A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

• Two blondes, Carol and Patty, were walking down the street. Carol noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar. "Patty said, "Let me look!" So Carol handed her the Compact. Patty looked in the mirror and said, "You dummy, it's me!"

• The blonde reported for her university final examination which consisted of "yes/no" questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour. But I'm rechecking my answers."

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A woman walks into the doctors office and says: "Doctor I hurt all over."

And the doctor says, "That's impossible."

"No really!" she said, "Just look, when I touch my arm, ouch! it hurts. When I touch my leg, ouch!, it hurts. When I touch my head, ouch!, it hurts. When I touch my chest, ouch!!, it really hurts, she replies."

The doctor just shakes his head and says, "You are a natural blond aren't you?"

The woman smiles and says "Why yes I am. How did you know?"

The doctor replies, "Because, your finger is broken."
 

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A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.  Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

"My Gosh!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"

"Yes officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began.

"I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and then there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ..."

"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off. "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth".
 

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A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.

He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing.

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said for best results, put on two coats.
 

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A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune ..... Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
 

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During a her devoice hearing, the Judge asked the blonde, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is 'yes'."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

 Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me.
 

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