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| A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help.
One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. The blonde approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, the blonde then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
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| A blonde came home from her first day commuting into the city.
Her mother noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?"
"Not really," the blonde replied. "I'm nauseous from sitting backward on the train."
"Poor dear," Mom said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?"
"I couldn't," she replied, "there was no one there."
Submitted by John, Emmitsburg, MD.
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| A blond was walking down a country road beside a sea of wheat blowing in the wind ... ...
when she noticed another blonde in a rowboat out in the middle of the field.
The first blond cups her hands and yells "What are you doing?!?!?"
The blond in the rowboat yells back "I'm rowing a boat, of course... You must be stupid!"
The first blond yells back "I am NOT stupid, and if I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your ass!"
Submitted by Steve, somewhere out west
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| Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter.
He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.
The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me." She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The
Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder .. St. Peter smiled and said, "Verrrrrry good."
Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball." St. Peter fainted.
Submitted by Sr. Wink, The Bronx, NY
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| A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps things hot and some things cold."
"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!"
So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that,' he asked?
"Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.
Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"
The blond replied, "Two popsicles, and some coffee."
Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.
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| A blonde hurries into the emergency room with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this
happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"
"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, MD.
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| Two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.
After hours of subzero temperatures a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said: "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!
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| Three women escape from prison: one is a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde... They run for miles until they
come upon an old barn...
They decide to hide in the hayloft to rest. When they climb up, they find three gunnysacks and decide to put them over their heads for camouflage.
About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy come into the barn. The sheriff tells his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft.
When he gets up there, the sheriff asks him what he sees.
The deputy tells him, "just three gunnysacks".
The sheriff tells him to find out what is in them.
The deputy kicks the first bag, which has the redhead in it, and she says, "Woof! Woof!"
The deputy tells the sheriff that there is a dog in the first bag.
Then he kicks the bag with the brunette in it and she says "Meow! Meow!"
The deputy reports that there is a cat in the second bag.
Then he kicks the one with the blonde in it and there is no sound at all, so he kicks it again, a little harder, and the blonde says, "Potatoes."
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| A girl was visiting her blonde friend who just got two new dogs.
She asked her friend what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Helllllll OOOooo," answered the blonde... "They're watch dogs!"
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A blonde calls an Airline and asks how long will take to fly from San Francisco to New York
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
- A blond asked for a pink curtain for her computer screen.
The surprised salesman replies: "But, madam, computers do not have curtains.... "
And the blonde said: "Helloooo.... I've got Windows!!!!"
- A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said: "I found you r note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5
gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub with milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my chest ..."
Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
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| The Blonde And The Police
The Baltimore Police Department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident.
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a BLIND
policeman!"
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| A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful.
So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said: "I found you r note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did
you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub with milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits."
Submitted by Barb, Unionville, PA.
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| A blonde was speeding when a local police cruiser pulled her over ... The police officer also
happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all this hassle."
Submitted by Kate, Charleston, SC.
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| A Blonde planned to spend almost all of her vacation sunbathing ...
She found the ideal spot on the roof of her hotel. It was deserted and secluded, with a smooth, raised "deck" which received the sun all day long. She wore a bathing suit on the first day, but on the second, she decided that since no one could see her way up
there that she would slip out of it and get rid of the tan lines on her back.
She'd been lying there on her stomach for a little while, when she heard someone running up the stairs towards the roof.
Startled, she did have time to pull on her suit and since she was lying on her stomach, She just just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing up here, but would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit, as you did yesterday".
"YESTERDAY!" she exclaimed, rather irritated..."Have you been following me around? And besides, what difference does it make ANYWAY since no one except a nosy assistant manager can see me? I'm on the top floor and I'm covered with a towel."
"Well, that would be true," said the embarrassed little man, "Except for the fact that you're lying on the dining room skylight."
Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
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| As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car .. ... runs up to his truck, and
knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says
brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up and knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says,
"Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Ohio
and I'm driving the salt truck!"
Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
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| A blonde wanted to go ice fishing ... ... so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake.
After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from the heavens a voice boomed, ''there are no fish under the ice.''
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, ''there are no fish under the ice.''
This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, ''there are no fish under the ice.''
The very scared blonde raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?''
The voice answered, "No. It is the manager of the ice rink."
Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.
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| A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from all that skipping."
Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.
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| A blonde girl comes back from school one evening.
She runs to her mum and says: "Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! It's good, innit?"
"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.
"Is that because I'm blonde?" she asks.
"Yes, darling, it's because you're blonde." The mom says.
Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! It's good, innit?"
"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.
"Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?" she asks.
"Yes, darling it's because you're blonde." The mom says.
Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, I’m the only one in the call that gets to stay out past midnight, while all the other girls have to be home by 8. "Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?"
"No darling, it's because you're 25."
Submitted by Barb, Unionville, Pa
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| A blond woman goes to watch a ventriloquist perform one day.
The ventriloquist tells an hour of sexist jokes and the woman tries to keep her anger to herself. The last straw occurs when the ventriloquist asks his dummy what he did Sunday.
The dummy tells him he spent the day in a chair on the front porch at home. The ventriloquist asks if he got some rest and the dummy says "No, a woman kept coming out of her house ever hour to check her mail box.
She got madder and madder until I couldn't take it any more, and so I yelled out to her that there is no mail delivery on Sunday."
The ventriloquist then asks the dummy "What did she say to that."
The dummy replies "She said, I know, but I just got a new computer and it keeps telling me that I've got mail"
At this point the blond in the audience blows up, jumps out of her seat and starts shouting that she has heard enough of this rubbish that is so degrading to women.
The ventriloquist starts to apologize to the angry woman and starts to explain that it's all in fun.
The blond woman gets mad and tells the ventriloquist to shut up and that he's next after she finishes with the little guy.
Submitted by John, Seattle, WA.
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| A blond boarded a plane to Chicago ...
She was seated in the general passenger section. Once the airplane was in the air, she got up and went into first class and took a seat. The stewardess told her that unless she produced a first class ticket she had to return to the other section.
The blonde refused and said I am going to Chicago and I am staying here.
Other stewardesses tried everything to get her to move, but she refused and kept saying she was going to Chicago and she was staying where she was.
Finally, the stewardess told the Captain about the situation. The co-pilot offered to go in and handle it, but he captain said no, he was married to a blonde and knew what to do. The Captain went into first class and whispered in the blonde's ear.
She looked up at him shocked and quickly went back to the passenger section. Everyone was amazed and asked the Captain what he had said.
He said, "I just told her that First class did not go to Chicago!"
Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
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| A group of blondes in a class were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole.
So they went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing was just a mess.
An engineering student comes along, sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the blondes and walked away.
After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and laughed. "Isn't that just like a dumb man engineer? We're looking for the height and he gives us the length!"
Submitted by John, Long Island, NY.
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