When the Deputy asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.

The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the squad car , opened the rear door and got in.

The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "Might as well take my ass on to jail, there’s no way on earth I’m going to pass that test."

... he had just won $5,000 dollars in the statewide safety competition.

"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.

"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.

"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled the woman in the passenger seat. "He's a real jerk when he's drunk."

This woke up the guy in the back seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"

The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. Though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.

The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1,000.

A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

"That should be obvious," he responded. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."

He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the family car.

His father took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it."

After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said, "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."

The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

The rabbi said, "Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked."

She could see from the bedroom window. As I looked for myself, I saw that there were people in the shed taking things.

I phoned the police, but they told me that no one was in this area to help at this time, but they would send someone over as soon as they were available. I said OK, hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned the police back.

"Hello. I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've shot them all."

Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed. One of the officers said: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

I replied with "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

• To appreciate a job well done - "if you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
• Religion - "you better pray that will come out of the carpet."
• About time travel - "if you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
• Logic - "Because I said so, that's why."
• Foresight - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
• Irony - "Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry about."
• About the science of osmosis - "shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
• About contortionism - "Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
• About stamina - "You'll sit there til all that spinach is finished."
• About weather - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
• How to solve physics problems - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"
• About hypocrisy - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate!!!"
• The circle of life - "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
• About behavior modification - "Stop acting like your father!"
• About envy - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

Thanks, mom!

The first stall was occupied, so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than

I heard a voice from the next stall: "Hi, how are you doing?"

Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed: "Not bad."

And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?"

Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird!

So I said: "Well, just like you I'm driving east."

Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you back, there's some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking you."

• 4 YEARS OF AGE ~ My Mommy can do anything!
• 8 YEARS OF AGE ~ My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
• 12 YEARS OF AGE ~ My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
• 14 YEARS OF AGE ~ Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.
• 16 YEARS OF AGE ~ Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
• 18 YEARS OF AGE ~ That old woman? She's way out of date!
• 25 YEARS OF AGE ~ Well, she might know a little bit about it.
• 35 YEARS OF AGE ~ Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
• 45 YEARS OF AGE ~ Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
• 65 YEARS OF AGE ~ Wish I could talk it over with Mom.

... and the question came up -- "When you are in your casket, and friends, family, and congregants are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say?"

The Episcopal Priest says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

The Catholic Priest says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful teacher and a servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

The Rabbi replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

It is also most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A 2001 Ferrari GTO, it cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money" says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young man proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself.

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it looked like the old man on the moped!

"Couldn't be!" thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!"

But again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh and KablaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!!

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Omigod! Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Hello," said the Father, "And how is Mrs. O'Dunigan? Didn't I marry you two years ago? "

She replied "You did that, Father."

"And are there any little ones yet?"

"No, not yet, Father," said she.

"Well now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you."

"Oh, thank you, Father." And away she went.

Several years later they met again.

"Well now, Mrs. O'Dunigan," said the Father, "how are you?"

"Oh, very well," said she.

"And tell me," he said, "have you any little ones yet?"

"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles - ten in all.

"Now isn't that wonderful !!! ," he said "And how is your fine husband?"

"Oh," she said, "he's gone to Rome to blow out your candle ..!!!!"

He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there.

Going to a very large church he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "$10,000 a minute."

Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake City, Denver, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in the lovely mountains of South Carolina. Upon entering a church, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 25 cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor.

"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in the South now, and it's a local call."

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test which will take two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

• They moused.
• They did spreadsheets.
• They wrote reports.
• They sent faxes.
• They sent e-mail.
• They sent out e-mail with attachments.
• They downloaded.
• They did some genealogy reports.
• They made cards.
• They did every known job.

But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed in every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became even more irate.

"Wait! He cheated! How did he do it??!!"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves"