"Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me."

By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier"?

"No!!" she said in a loud whisper. "The 'Turn Off Your Cell Phone, Please' message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."

• It can buy you a Bed, But not Sleep.
• It can buy you a Clock, But not Time.
• It can buy you a Book, But not Knowledge.
• It can buy you a Position, But not Respect.
• It can buy you Medicine, But not Health.
• It can buy you Blood, But not Life.
• It can buy you Sex, But not Love.

So you see, money isn't everything. The best things in life can't be bought, and often we destroy ourselves trying! I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your needless pain and suffering... So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.  A truer Friend than me you will never find.

Cash Only, Please!

Castro went on: "They say I'm intervening in Mozambique..." and the same loud voice shouted, "Peanuts! Popcorn!

Castro continued: "They say I'm intervening in Nicaragua..." and the voice yelled again, "Peanuts! Popcorn!"

By this time Castro was boiling mad and he sputtered, "Bring that man who is shouting 'Peanuts! Popcorn!' to me, and I'll kick him all the way to Miami."

And everybody in the audience started shouting, "Peanuts! Popcorn!"

The taxi they were taking to the airport arrived, and as they left the house with their luggage the cat streaked inside.

"Damn," said the man, "you wait for me, I won't be a minute." He went back in, chased the cat around the family room before it headed up the stairs to the bedroom.

His wife got in the taxi and noticed the driver was a rather unsavoury looking character, so rather than let him know the house was going to be empty for a few days, she said "My husband won't be a minute, he's just seeing that his elderly mother is comfortable."

A few minutes later he got into the taxi and said "I had to push her out from under the bed with a coat hanger. Well, her claws are so sharp I finally had to wrap a towel around her before throwing her into the backyard."

The taxi driver ran into a parked car.

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.

"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'

Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

grown cold that it crunches and crumbles into nothing at the first bite, and butter that has been in the freezer so that it is impossible to spread, and a pot of coffee that is lukewarm and very weak."

The waiter busily scratched down the guest's order and said, "This is a very complicated order, sir. It might be difficult to deliver it exactly as you have requested."

The guest replied, "But I had that exact breakfast here yesterday!"

"I'm sorry sir," the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?"

"I've no idea," replies the guy, "The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less."

One time when I was home visiting my folks, my mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risqué picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.

"Mom, what's this?" I asked.

"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over-eat," she answered.

"Is it working?" I asked.

"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"

I stopped at a fast food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered Fat Free French Fries. I decided to give them a try. I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries from the fryer which were dripping with fat. He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my order.

"Just a minute!" I said. 'Those aren't fat free."

"Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes.... The fat is free!"

Shopping for one, Sam found himself in Chinatown, at a pet store whose sign boasted, The Best Guard Dogs That Money Will Buy. He entered the store, but much to his disappointment, all the dogs he could see were Pekingese.

"Excuse me", Sam said to the manager, "But the sign outside says you sell guard dogs. Where are they?"

The manager, an elderly Chinese, replied, "Oh, but these are highly trained guard dogs. They all know karate."

"Karate! No way."

"I'll show you", said the shop owner. He took one of the Pekingese out to the backyard and put it in front of a brick. The dog stood absolutely still. The shopkeeper gave a command, "Karate! Brick!"

And with complete astonishment, Sam saw the little dog perform a perfect karate chop, splitting the brick in half. Totally amazed, he bought the dog. Back at his own store, he showed the guard dog Pekingese to George, who thought he was completely mad and told him to return the Pekingese immediately.

"But, he is a trained guard dog."

"Yeah, sure!"

Sam put the Pekingese on the floor and said, "He knows karate!!"

With a sneer George retorted, "Karate! My Foot!"

For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for $10."

"Is that so! How?"

He told me to cut the legs off the bed!" Ain't nobody under there now!!!

The Englishman thought that this was his way out. All he had to do was to make a request that he was sure the chief couldn't fulfill and he wouldn't be killed. So, he requested a nice hot cup of Earl Grey Tea. After all, how could the chief produce a cup of English tea way out here in the bush? "Hmmm", said the chief as he thought about it. After a moment he went into his hut where for the next several minutes strange sounds could be heard coming out. Finally, he re-appeared with a beautiful silver tea service with a steaming pot of Earl Grey Tea. Resigned to his fate, the Englishman sipped his cup of tea as slowly as he could, after which, the cannibals killed him, skinned him and made a canoe out of his skin.

"Wow!" thought both the Frenchman and the American. "They mean business." Well up next was the Frenchman. He figured out what the Englishman was up to, but that he didn't request something that was hard enough to find. So, he requested a glass of a rare 1923 Chateau de Chien Malade. "They'll never be able to produce that!" thought the Frenchman. But once again, after several minutes in his hut, the chief brought out a dusty bottle of the wine with a beautiful wine glass. "Merde!" said the Frenchman as he reluctantly sipped his wine. After he finished, the cannibals killed him, skinned him and made a canoe out of his skin.

At last it was the American's turn. The chief braced himself for what the next request would be. "I want a fork", said the American defiantly. "A fork?" asked the chief? "Yeah, a fork. Ya got one, or don't cha?!" So, the chief went into his hut and immediately returned with a fork, which he then handed over to the American.

Looking out at the group of cannibals, and then at his two dead companions, the American held up the fork for a moment. Then as he started stabbing himself over and over he shouted at the top of his lungs…

…"No one's making a damn canoe outta me!!!!!!!!!"

An American oil company was drilling for oil in the far north of Australia. They brought their own crew, but hired some labourers from the local community. One of these Aussies accidentally dropped a heavy hammer down the shaft, making further drilling impossible until it was removed. Much time, money and trouble were spent in extricating it, after which the manager assembled all the men and presented it to the offender with a very sarcastic speech, concluding with, "I want you to accept this hammer as a memento, and hope it will always remind you of the trouble and expense you have caused this company through your stupid and crass carelessness. Now TAKE IT AND GO."

"Does that mean I'm sacked?" asked the Aussie.

"It sure does," was the emphatic reply.

"Well, this thing's no flamin' use to me, then," responded the labourer, proceeding to drop it neatly down the shaft again.

While visiting the United States an Australian businessman was invited to a dinner given by a major organization. After listening to many speeches extolling the virtues of 'God's own country', he was invited to speak. Fortified by a few drinks, he told the following story:

When Noah was out upon the waters one day he noticed the ark had developed a decided list. He summoned his sons, Ham, Shem and Japheth and asked them to investigate. Ham returned shortly after and reported the cause of the trouble. "It's the bull's pen," he explained. "It's not been cleaned out since we started, and the added weight is causing the list."

"Shovel it overboard," ordered Noah.

They did, and some five thousand years later Christopher Columbus discovered it.