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| After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen.
They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.
There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's
concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."
Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from throughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid
through college somehow, don't I?"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Grandma Jones from the valley had never experienced a sick day in her life... ..., so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the mulligrubs sent her to the hospital for observation.
By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress, especially, the mattress.
Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. "What's that?" she demanded.
"If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the interns, "just press that button."
"What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.
"No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," the intern replied.
"A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| One semester when my brother was attending college, an art-student friend... ... of his asked if he could paint Peter's portrait for a class assignment. Peter agreed, and the art student painted and submitted the portrait, only to
receive a C minus.
The art student approached the professor to ask why the grade was so poor. The teacher told him that the proportions in the painting were incorrect.
"The head is too big," the professor explained. "The shoulders are too wide, and the feet are enormous."
The next day, the art student brought Peter to see the professor. He took one look at my brother and said, "Okay, A minus."
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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A psychology student was to help a professor in conducting a personality test.
The room was set up with various props in order to move through the assessment quickly. The first person to enter the room started through the test.
"How does this glass of water look to you?"
Person 1: It is half empty.
Student writes 'pessimist' in his report.
Person 2 enters the room. "How does this glass of water look to you?"
Person 2: It is half full.
Student writes 'optimist' in his report.
Person 3 enters the room. "How does this glass of water look to you?"
Person 3: Looks like you have twice as much glass as you need there.
The student looks totally blank and goes to consult with the professor.
"Oh them!", the professor says, "I forgot to warn you about the engineers! They have no personality."
Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
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Humor in Music A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.
After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."
An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development."
This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.
Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.
The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility.
On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
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As an instructor in driver education at the local area High School... ..., I've learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.
One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes.
When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others.
Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, "Should I stop the car first?"
Submitted by John, Williamsport, Md.
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There was a poor old Irish cobbler... ... whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Mike, the Irish gent, would go out the back of his
shop and eat his soda bread and maybe a kipper or piece of Irish blue cheese while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.
One morning, the Irishman was surprised to receive an invoice in the mail from the adjoining restaurant for "enjoyment of food"
Mystified, he marched right over to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought a thing from them.
The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it." The Irishman refused to pay and the restaurant took him to court.
At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it."
The judge turned to Mike and said, "What do you have to say to that?" The old Irishman didn't say a thing but smiled and stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.
The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?" The Irishman replied with a mile wide grin, - "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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A teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway.
After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.
"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.
"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied.
"You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
Submitted by Sandy, Woodsboro, Md.
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I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth snake with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake, with two frogs in his mouth.
Submitted by Former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!
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A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher.
The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went
through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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What You May Not Know 'Bout Noah....
- Why couldn't they play cards on the ark? Noah was sitting on the deck
- What did Noah say as he was loading the Ark? "Now I herd everything"
- Why did the people on the ark think the horses were pessimistic? They kept saying neigh
- What animal could Noah not trust? The cheetah
- What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Flood lights
- Who was the first canning factory run by? Noah - he had a boat full of preserved pairs
- Was Noah the first one out of the Ark? No, he came forth out of the ark...
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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The other day while driving home, after being delayed at my office... ..., I suddenly saw flashing lights in my rearview mirror.
The police officer pulled me over for speeding. Hoping for a little leniency I explained to him that I was rushing home to be with my wife on our first anniversary.
But rather than letting me off with just a warning, he went ahead and wrote out the ticket, handed it to me, and said, "Congratulations! The first year is paper, right?"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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As the coals from our barbecue burned down... ...,
our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks. Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block. All
twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly.
They glared at us with looks of disgust.
Suddenly, we realized why.........we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them...
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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A cruise ship hired a magician to entertain the passengers.
Since the passengers changed every four or five days, the magician was able to perform the same tricks over and over.
Unfortunately, the Captain of the ship had a parrot who sat around and watched the magician perform his tricks, over and over. Eventually, the parrot learned how the tricks were done and would interrupt the act.
"It's in his sleeve" the parrot would say. "He switched balls." "It's in his pocket." Etc., etc.
Naturally, the magician was quite disturbed by the parrot but could do nothing about it, since it belonged to the Captain.
Unfortunately, the cruise ship had the misfortune of hitting an iceberg and sank to the bottom of the sea in a matter of minutes. As fate would have it, the magician and the parrot managed to grab hold of the same floating piece of furniture.
For 3 days, neither said anything. The magician stared at the parrot and the parrot stared back. Finally, on the 4th day, the parrot cracked and said:
"OK, I give up, where on Earth did you put the ship?"
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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The 10 year old boy arrived home from school in a very sorry state.
Blood nose, two black eyes, scratches, clothes torn and muddied.
“Good heavens, John” exclaimed his mother, “what on earth happened to you?”
He blubbered out the story. “Well, you know Mr. Sodberry, the vice principal?”
“Yes.”
“Well, his wife works in the records office, and she happened to come across the records of our births.”
“So?”
“Well, you know how you called my sisters Jasmine, Rose and Violet?”
“Yes, and your name’s john, so what.”
“No it’s not! It’s johnquill. Its terrible.”
“Well, I had to stick to flowers, and you always get called John anyway.”
“But she told her husband, and he told the teachers, and they told the other kids, and now they all think I’m a poof!”
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
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A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive.
In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."
"However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."
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I'd Like to thank Wal-Mart for having 25 checkout lanes and only three open at any given time.
- Waiting in long lines keeps my domestic brain from going completely idle -- there's so much to learn!
- I can catch up on my magazine reading without buying any.
- I have time to leave my cart in line and run back to get the 13 things on my list I forgot.
- I can be one of those annoying cell phone users and catch up on all my phone calls to my insurance agent, mother-in-law, and Auntie Anne.
- I can catch a quick catnap now rather than on the drive home.
- I can assess what other people have in their carts and get exciting new dinner ideas.
- I can finally apply my top coat of nail polish with plenty of drying time.
- I can run next door and pick up my dry cleaning.
- I can update my coupon organizer and leave the trash in the we-never-open-enough-checkout-lanes store instead of my purse.
- I can practice my standup comedy routines on unsuspecting fellow customers.
- I can practice some standing yoga poses and then do those isometric muscle-contracting exercises no one else in line is supposed to know you're doing.
- I can taste test my package of the newest low-carb, zero-transfat, Splenda-saturated cookies.
- I can breathe heavily on my T-bones so they're defrosted in time for dinner and I won't have to leave them out on the driveway in the hot late afternoon sun as I normally do.
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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Coco-Cola in Israel A disappointed salesman of Coca-Cola returned from his assignment to Israel. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Israelis?"
The salesman explained, "When I got posted, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch. But I had a problem. I didn't know how to speak Hebrew. So I planned to convey the message through three posters:
First poster : A man lying in the hot desert sand ... totally exhausted and fainting.
Second poster: The man is drinking Coca-Cola.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed. And then these posters were pasted all over the place."
Terrific! That should have worked!" said the friend.
"The hell it should have!" said the salesman. "No one told me they read from right to left!
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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Visiting Australia
These are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a snide sense of humor.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/ gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets, especially The Taipans.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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As a jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day... ..., the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.
"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth 50,000 years ago at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet
deep."
The lady sitting next to me exclaimed: "Wow, look! It just missed the highway!"
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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A young woman was preparing a ham dinner.
After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking. Her friend asked her," Why did you cut off the end of the ham"?
"I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to." She replied.
Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied, "I really don't know, but that's the way my mom always did it."
A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?"
Her grandmother replied, "Well dear, it would never fit into my baking pan."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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A manager at the restaurant where I worked was a friendly, jovial man. But there was one subject you didn't dare discuss in front of him--his height. Or, should I say, his lack of it.
One day he stormed through the door and announced angrily, "Someone just picked my pocket!"
Most of my fellow waitresses and I were speechless, except for one who blurted out, "How could anyone stoop so low?"
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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Rummaging through her attic one day... ..., my friend Carol found an old shotgun. Unsure how to dispose of it, she called her parents.
"Take it to the police station," her mother suggested. My friend was about to hang up when her mom added....
"And, Carol?"
"Yes, mom?"
"Call them first and let them know you're coming."
Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, Pa.
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A rich Texan walked into the offices of the president of a small Texas college... ... and said, "I'd like to donate a million dollars tax free to this institution. But there's a
condition. I would like to have an honorary degree."
The president nodded agreeably, "That's not a problem. We can certainly arrange that!"
The rich man said, "An honorary degree for my *horse*."
"For your horse???"
"Yep, you betcha. She carried me for many years and I owe her a lot. I'd like her to receive a Tr.D., a Doctor of Transportation."
"But . . . we can't give a degree to a *horse*!"
"Then I'm afraid I'll have to take my million dollars to another educational institution."
"Well, wait a minute," said the president, seeing the million slip through his fingers, "Let me consult with the school's trustees."
A hurried trustee meeting was brought to order and the president related the deal and the condition. All of the board reacted with shock and disbelief -- except the oldest trustee. He appeared almost asleep.
One trustee snorted, "We can't give a *horse* an honorary degree -- no matter HOW much money is involved."
The oldest trustee opened his eyes and said, "Take the money and give the horse the degree."
The president asked, "Don't you think that would be a disgrace to us?"
"Of course not, " the wise old trustee said. "It would be an honor. It'd be the first time we ever gave a degree to an ENTIRE horse."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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A man was the oldest of 7 children, so he had to quit school... .... and work to help support his younger brothers and sisters. He never learned to read, so when he married and started a checking account, he signed his checks simply "XX".
Eventually he started his own business, which immediately prospered.
He soon was a very rich man. One day, he got a call from his bank. "Mr. Schwartz," said the banker, "I need to ask you about this check. We weren't sure you had really signed it. All these years you've been signing your checks 'XX', but we just got one that was signed with three XXX's..."
Mr. Schwartz answered, "No problem, my friend. It's just that since I've become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle name."
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At the outpatient surgery center where I work... ..., the anesthesiologist often chatted with patients before their operations to help them relax.
One day he thought he recognized a woman as a co-worker at the VA hospital where he had trained.
When the patient confirmed that his hunch was correct, he said, "So, tell me, is the food still as bad there as it used to be?"
"Well, I suppose," she replied, "I'm still cooking it."
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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A boy from Duluth, Minnesota had heard stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seem that his father, grandfather and great grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthdays, to the boat club across the lake for their first legal drink.
So when Lars' 21st came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Lars stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned. Sven managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Lars went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he asked, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked into Lars' eyes and said, "Because your father, grandfather and great-grandfather were born in January. You were born in July.
Submitted by John, Emmitsburg, Pa.
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