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There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane ...
... with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his
instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous.
Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the
guy, "Hey where am I?"
To this, the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane."
The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine
as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it.
"Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's
support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East."
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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Beatles Computer Song - Let It Be
When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
Write in C.
As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
Write in C.
Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, oh, write in C.
LOGO's dead and buried,
Write in C.
I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.
If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC's not the answer.
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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If Microsoft made toasters:
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster Vista
would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first
toaster that let's you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances. If they couldn't prove that they were purchased legitimately
then they would no longer work. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters:
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier. The toast would make a little smiley face at you when it popped up, or else it would get stuck
and there would be a little picture of a bomb burned onto it. If they break, these toasters would require a special set of MacToaster Tools to even open up. Worldwide market share would only
be 5%, but all the bread in school lunches would be exclusively toasted on the MacToaster.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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A few months ago, I upgraded from DrinkingMates 4.2 to Girlfriend 1.0...
... which I had been told for years wouldn't give me any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to
try to run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive
versions of Girlfriend 1.0 (i.e. 1.001 thru 1.999) proved no better!
I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run the new Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they
caused severe damage to my hardware.
I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my
available resources, it does at least come bundled with CleanHouse 2007.
Shortly after this upgrade however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and extremely costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in
Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge 2. Worse still, these latter products
have no Help files, and I have to try and guess what the problem is.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly requiring Adobe ShoeShop, HandBag Searcher and Hairstyle Express, all of which need to be
reinstalled every other week.
Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called Mother-in-law, which can't be turned off.
I've recently been tempted to install Mistress 2007, but I've heard there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0
detects Mistress 2007 it tends to take total control of your IP address and then permanently locks you out while acquiring all of your shared resources.
Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY.
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Even More Signs Technology Took Over Your Life
- The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.
- You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because,
after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.
- You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the
street names.
- You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
- You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons
on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.
- You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.
- Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.
- You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.
- While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers
cramped and vision bleary
System manuals piled high and
wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, Still I sat there, doing
spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
But got instead a reprimand: It read, "Abort, Retry, Ignore."
Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal
intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options. These three seemed to be the top
ones.
Clearly, I must now adopt one - Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore."
With my fingers pale and trembling, slowly
toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee Finally I pressed a key -
But on the screen what did I see? Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore."
I tried to catch the chips off-guard - I
pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards, I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation, Trying random combinations.
Still there came the incantation - Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore."
There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own
machine accosted;
Getting up, I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight, A bold and blinding flash of light,
A lightning bolt that cut the night and shook me to my very core.
The PC screen collapsed and died, "Oh no - my database!" I cried.
I thought I heard a voice reply, "You'll see your data - nevermore!"
To this day I do not know the place to which
our data goes.
Perhaps it goes to Heaven where the angels have it stored.
But as for productivity - Well, I fear that it goes straight to Hell.
And that's the tale I have to tell - Your choice: Abort, Retry,
Ignore.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Computer fixated husband ...
I'm sending you this letter in a bogus software company
envelope so you'll be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but
I thought you should know what's been going on since your computer
entered our lives two years ago.
The children are doing well. Tommy is 7 now and is a bright, handsome
boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family
portrait for a school project. All the figures were good, but yours was
excellent! The chair and back of your head are very realistic. You would
be proud of him. Little Jennifer turned 3 in September. She looks a lot
like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart.
She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her
birthday. What a grand day for Jen despite the fact that it was stormy
and the electricity was out.
I am doing well. I went blond about a year ago and was delighted to
discover that it really was more fun.
I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I
realized that you don't mind being vacuumed and that the feather duster
makes you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room
painted last spring. I'm not sure if you noticed it. I asked the
painters to cut air holes in the drop cloths so you wouldn't be
disturbed.
Well, dear, I must be going. The family is leaving on a ski trip and
there is much packing to do. I've hired a housekeeper to take care of
things while we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee
cup and bring your meals to the computer room just the way you like it.
I hope you and the computer have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy,
Jen and I think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are
booting.
Love, Mary
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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What computer abbreviations really
stand for:
- ISDN = It Still Does Nothing
- APPLE = Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing
Entity
- IBM = I Blame Microsoft
- DEC = Do Expect Cuts
- CA = Constant Acquisitions
- CD-ROM = Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete
in Months
- OS/2 = Obsolete Soon, Too.
- SCSI = System Can't See It
- DOS = Defunct Operating System
- BASIC = Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry
Control
- WWW = World Wide Wait
- MACINTOSH = Most Applications Crash; If Not,
The OS Hangs
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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The top 10 unintentionally worst company URLs ... These are all real
sites. . . . Everyone knows that
if you are going to operate a business in today's world you need a
domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as
other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may
result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who
deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn't give
their domain names enough consideration:
- A site called 'Who Represents' where you can
find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain
name? www.whorepresents.com
- Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where
programmers can exchange advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com
- Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen
Island at www.penisland.net
- Then of course, there's the Italian Power
Generator company?
www.powergenitalia.com
- If you're looking for computer software,
there's always www.ipanywhere.com
- Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist
Church. Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com
- Then, of course, there's these brainless art
designers, and their wacky website:
www.speedofart.com
- Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their
brochure website at www.gotahoe.com
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to
become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the
whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly
emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and
anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
Submitted by Julie, Middleburg, Va.
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Another Tech Support call from hell ... "Hello."
"Yes, I cannot get this program to accept my data."
"What type of error message are you receiving?"
"Error message. I am not getting an error message."
"Did you download the software program from the website?"
"Software program?"
"Yes, the program mentioned in Step 1 of the email message you received"
"Oh, yeah that email. Well, I just went down to the bottom of the email message. I used the password and downloaded the data. I am now trying to input my data and it won't accept it."
"Pull up the email message."
"Ok. Wait a minute. Got it."
"Now looking at the email message do you see Step 1 and Step 2?"
"Yes."
"Did you do Step 1, loading the software program?"
"No. You mean I need to start with Step 1?"
"Yes. Unless you start with Step 1 and download the program you cannot update information because the program is not there to update it for you. That is why the email lays out step by step what to do. So if you do Step 1 first followed by Step 2 you can then input
your data."
"Really?"
"Yes, really."
Submitted by Rick, Louisiana
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Have Your Seen My Grandpa?
The computer swallowed grandpa.
Yes. Honestly, it's true,
He pressed 'control' and enter
And disappeared from view.
It's devoured him completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
Maybe he's caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind,
I've even used the internet
But nothing I could find.
I asked Yahoo in desperation
My searches to refine,
The reply from him was negative
Not a thing was found on line.
So if someday in your inbox
My grandpa you should see,
Please 'Scan', 'Copy', and 'Paste' him
In an email back to me.
Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia
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Real Computer Tech Support Calls ...
- Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah.... Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
- Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
- Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk...sorry....
- Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
- Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, damn it!
- Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
- Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
- Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
- Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work
- Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
- Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
- Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
- Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
- Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
- A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
And last but not least:....
- Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
Submitted by Bill, Narberth, PA.
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Ten signs that your co-worker is a computer hacker
- You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.
- He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.
- When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
- Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
- Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.
- Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"
- Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.
- Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons
- When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."
- You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."
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You know a computer is owned by a West Virginian if...
- The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
- The keyboard is camouflaged.
- There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
- There is a gunrack mounted on the CPU.
- The password is, "bubba."
- The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
- Outgoing faxes have beer stains on them.
- The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
- The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
- The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
- The monitor is up on blocks.
- Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
- Deer jerky is in the desk drawer.
- The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with dueling banjos playing in the background.
- The six front keys have rotted out.
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