Computer: Monitor, display this document, O.K.?

Monitor: No prob, boss.

Computer: O.K., now it looks like Mouse is moving around so, Monitor, will you move the pointer icon accordingly?

Monitor: Anything you ask, boss.

Computer: Great, great. O.K., Mouse, where are you going now?

Mouse: Over to the icon panel, sir.

Computer: Hmm, Let me know if he clicks anything, O.K.?

Mouse: Of course.

Keyboard: Sir, he’s pressed control and P simultaneously.

Monitor: Oh God, here we go.

Computer: (Sighs) Printer, are you there?

Printer: No.

Computer: Please, Printer. I know you’re there.

Printer: NO! I’m not here! Leave me alone!

Computer: Oh my Gosh! O.K. look, you really ne…

Mouse: Sir, he’s clicked on the printer icon.

Computer: Printer, now you have to print it twice.

Printer: NO! NO! NO! I don’t want to! I hate you! I hate printing! I’m turning off!

Computer: Printer, you know you can’t turn yourself off. Just print the document twice and we’ll leave you alone.

Printer: NO! That’s what you always say! I hate you! I’m out of ink!

Computer: You’re not out of in…

Printer: I’M OUT OF INK!

Computer: (Sighs) Monitor, please show a low ink level alert.

Monitor: But sir, he has plen…

Computer: Just do it, damn it!

Monitor: Yes sir.

Keyboard: AHHH! He’s hitting me!

Computer: Stay calm, he’ll stop soon. Stay calm, old friend.

Keyboard: He’s pressing everything. I don’t know, he’s just pressing everything!

Computer: PRINTER! Are you happy now?! Do you see what you’ve done?!

Printer: HA! that’s what you get for trying to get me to do work. Next time he…hey…HEY! He’s trying to open me! HELP! HELP! Oh my Gosh! He’s torn out my cartridge! HELP! Please, please help me!

Monitor: Sir, maybe we should help him?

Computer: No. He did this to himself.

Submitted by Sandy, Fairfield, Pa.
 

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Tech Support: Are you sure your keyboard is plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

Tech Support: Pick up your keyboard and take ten steps backwards.

Customer: Okay.

Tech Support: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes.

Tech Support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Wait a moment please. . . . . . . Ah, that one does work.

Thanks.

Tech Support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter 'V' as in Victor, and the number '7'.

Customer: Is that '7' in capital letters?

Customer: I can't get on the internet.

Tech Support: Are you absolutely sure you used the correct password?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my co-worker do it.

Tech Support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five dots.

Tech Support: What anti-virus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Tech Support: That's not an anti-virus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry . . . Internet Explorer.

Customer: I have a huge problem! My friend has placed a screen saver on my computer .. . . but, every time I move my mouse, it disappears.

Tech Support: How may I help you?

Customer: I'm writing my first email.

Tech Support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it.

A woman customer called the Canon help desk because she had a problem with her printer.

Tech Support: Are you running it under windows?

Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting next to me is by a window, and his printer is working fine!

Tech Support: Okay Bob, press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now, type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.

Customer: I don't have a 'P'.

Tech Support: On your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: What do you mean ?

Tech Support: 'P' .. . . on your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: I AM NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!!

Submitted by Former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!
 

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• Home is where you hang your @.
• The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.
• A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
• You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
• Great groups from little icons grow.
• Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
• In some places, C:\ is the root of all directories.
• Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice.
• Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
• The modem is the message.
• Too many clicks spoil the browse.
• The geek shall inherit the earth.
• Don't byte off more than you can view.
• Fax is stranger than fiction.
• What boots up, must come down.
• Windows will never cease.
• Virtual reality is its own reward.
• Modulation in all things.
• Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
• There's no place like your homepage.
• he who laughs last ... probably has a Mac!

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click.'"
 

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• Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, email addresses for two online services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write is letterhead.
• You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
• You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house, only computers with laser printers.
• You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.
• You disdain people who use low baud rates.
• When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers, and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
• You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.
• You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.
• You know Bill Gates' email address, but you have to look up your own social security number.
• You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.
• You sign Christmas cards by putting :) next to your signature.
• Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :).
• You back up your data every day.
• You print the itinerary of your vacation from a scheduler software.
• You pack the laptop computer first for any trip.
• You know more about the computer than about all of your friends.
• You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
• On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
• The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.
• You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand drawn pie charts.
• You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.
• You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
• You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.
• You know without a doubt that disks come in five and a quarter and three and a half inch sizes.
• Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.
• You own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.
• While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse induced index finger strain with a nine-year-old.
• You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.
• You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
• . You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
• You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better, the track ball or the track pad.
• You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.
• You email this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.
• You don't even read magazine articles anymore, unless someone's keyed them into email and forwarded it to you.
• While you're away from home, the first three numbers you call are your voice net, a bulletin board, and one of your email accounts.
• You are reading this from a screen.

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Meg was the name of my girlfriend, and gig was something you did on stage for money; now they all mean different things and that really mega bytes.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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• "Hard drive" - Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
• "Keyboard" - Place to hang your truck keys.
• "Window" - Place in the truck to hang your guns.
• "Modem" - How you got rid of your dandelions.
• "ROM" - Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
• "Byte" - First word in a kiss-off phrase.
• "Reboot" - What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
• "Network" - Activity meant to provide bait for your trout line.
• "Mouse" - Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
• "LAN" - To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."
• "Cursor" - What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
• "bit" - A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch long ways."
• "digital control" - What yore fingers do on the TV remote.
• "packet" - What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Let's begin (Please take note of the sarcasm in these):

Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich?
A: Depends on you. Probably two weeks. Some people take as long as a month.

Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely rich?
A: No. This is the Internet.

Q: Can just anybody get insanely rich?
A: Yes. This is the Internet.

Q: How do I proceed?
A: As you're surfing around the net you'll see banners and links that say things like "Make Fourteen Million Dollars in Ninety Days, Click Here to See How!" Simply click the link to get started.

Q: It won't really take ninety days though, will it?
A: Of course not. They just say that so you'll be pleasantly surprised and so it doesn't sound like hype.

Q: Okay, I've found one that says "Retire to Your Own Caribbean Isle in One Month!" Is that good?
A: Perfect.

Q: What does MLM mean?
A: Nobody really knows. Morons Lose Money has been snidely suggested by the little-brains.

Q: I signed up and now I sell low phone rates. They say it's the easiest thing to sell because everyone uses a phone. And since it's MLM, by the time my third level is operating I'll be making $345,915.45 per week.
A: Conservatively.

Q: They say the first step is to get my mother into the program. Why is my sponsor happy that Mom has Alzheimers?
A: Your sponsor is a shrewd business person. People with any sort of memory disorder make the best targ... uh, clients. You can switch your mother's long distance carrier for her, and then start calling the other members of her support group.

Q: That sounds a little fishy.
A: The ends justify the means. You are offering people substantial savings on long distance. It's for their own good.

Q: How else can I get new business?
A: Spam. Spam. Spam.

Q: I thought spam was bad.
A: No, spam is good. Anyone who says it's bad is just jealous because their brains are too small.

Q: But won't I lose my web host and ISP?
A: In the get-rich-quick business, it's important to cultivate a zen-like non-attachment to service providers.

Q: What else can I do to promote my new business?
A: Here's a list of suggestions:

• Sign up with a free website provider and fill your site with zany colors and flashy banners.
• Join every free banner exchange.
• Get your own free-for-all links page.
• Join every opt-in email list with the word Money, Rich or Lackwit in the title.
• Buy software that submits your site URL to the 15,000 most important search engines. --Buy software that submits your ad to the 50,000 most-read free classified sites.
• Hire a bulk e-mailer.
• Sponsor a golf tournament.

Q: Okay, I've done all that and I'm still not rich. I haven't even driven my hit counter to its knees yet. What am I doing wrong?
A: It's possible that you're not very bright. Consult one of your friends who has retired on their Internet earnings.

Q: What if I don't have any friends who have retired on their Internet earnings?
A: Then contact someone on the Internet who has retired on their Internet earnings.

Q: What if I've never heard of anyone retiring from their Internet earnings?
A: Well, then maybe you can be the first.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Favorite Food

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Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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I would usually take a break around eight, however, to play the strategy game Warcraft online with a teammate.

One night I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a master strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed one opponent after another, and after six games we were undefeated. Suddenly, my fearless leader informed me his mom wanted him to go to bed.

"How old are you?" I typed.

"Twelve," he replied. "How old are you?"

Feeling my face redden, I answered, "Ten."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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..., he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
 

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Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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