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• If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
• Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
• The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
• Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.
• If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
• If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
• Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.
• Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.
• Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
• A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?
• If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
• If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

Submitted by Barb of Unionville, Pa

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• My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
• My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
• My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -  "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
• My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."
• My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
• My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry about."
• My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
• My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM - "Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
• My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
• My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
• My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"
• My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"
• My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
• My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like your father!"
• My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
  
  THANKS, MOM!

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1. HAVE DINNER READY: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
    
2. PREPARE YOURSELF: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Bea little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
    
3. CLEAR AWAY CLUTTER. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.
    
4. PREPARE THE CHILDREN. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
    
5. MINIMIZE THE NOISE: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Greet him with a warm smile and kiss, letting him know you're glad to see him.
    
6. Some Don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.
    
7. MAKE HIM COMFORTABLE. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lay down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
    
8. LISTEN TO HIM: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
    
9. MAKE THE EVENING HIS: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.
     
10. THE GOAL: try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.

WELCOME TO 2000!

1. HAVE DINNER READY: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.
     
2. PREPARE YOURSELF: Make sure to change out of your work clothes into something comfortable. Who cares if he likes it or not . . . after all, it's most likely his T-shirt and boxers.
     
3. CLEAR AWAY CLUTTER: Tell the kids and your husband if they want maid service, they better call one!
    
4. PREPARE THE CHILDREN: Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play Nintendo.
    
5. MINIMIZE THE NOISE: Yell to him over the loud music your kids are playing, that this is what you had to put up with while he was one. And mention that it was his decision to buy the kids a new CD player in the first place.
     
6. SOME Don'ts: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner, simply remind him that the leftovers are in the fridge and you left the dishes for him to do.
    
7. MAKE HIM COMFORTABLE: Tell him where he can find a blanket if he's cold. This will really show you care.
    
8. LISTEN TO HIM: But don't ever let him get the last word.
    
9. MAKE THE EVENING HIS: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other places of entertainment; go with a friend or go shopping (use his credit card). Familiarize him with the phrase "Girls' Night Out!"
    
10. THE GOAL: Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he only thinks the world revolves around him. Obviously he's wrong, it revolves around you.

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• When in doubt, run far, far away.
• You can never have too many treats.
• Passing gas in public is nothing to be ashamed of.
• New shoes are an absolute necessity every 6 weeks.
• Ignore cues. They're just a prompt to do more work.
• Everyone loves a good, wet, slobbery kiss.
• Never run when you can jog. Never jog when you can walk. And never walk when you can stand still.
• Heaven is eating at least 10 hours a day... and then sleeping the rest.
• Eat plenty of roughage.
• Great legs and a nice rear will get you anywhere. Big, brown eyes help too.
• When you want your way, stomp hard on the nearest foot.
• In times of crisis, take a poop.
• Act dumb when faced with a task you don't want to do.
• Follow the herd. That way, you can't be singled out to take the blame.
• A swift kick in the butt will get anyone's attention.
• Love those who love you back, especially if they have something good to eat.

Submitted by Sharon B., Unionville, Pa.
  

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• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
• The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
• It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it
• Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
• We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
• Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
• It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
• If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
• If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
• If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
• Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
• If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
• Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
• Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
• Don't squat with your spurs on.
• Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
• Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
• A closed mouth gathers no foot.
• Duct tape is like "The Force," it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.
• Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
• Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

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