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More one-line lessons of life
  • I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
  • Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
  • Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
  • Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
  • I DON'T HAVE AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM, YOU HAVE A PERCEPTION PROBLEM.
  • Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, "where the heck is the ceiling?"
  • My reality check bounced.
  • On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
  • I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
  • You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
  • Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
  • Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
  • Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
  • A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
  • Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
  • After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
  • You can go anywhere you want if you look serious.
  • Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
  • If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
  • When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
  • Following the rules will not get the job done.
  • When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
  • Only the mediocre are at their best all the time.
  • There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
  • Bring ideas in and entertain them royally, for one of them may be the king.
  • If at first you don't succeed ...... skydiving isn't for you.
  • When everything is coming your way ...... you're in the wrong lane.

Submitted by Barb, Unionville, Pa
 

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More Bumper Sticker that prove American's have a great sense of humor!
  • I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
  • I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me.
  • Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
  • I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
  • Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
  • You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
  • BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
  • I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
  • So you're a feminist ... Isn't that cute.
  • Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
  • Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
  • I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
  • Earth first...we'll mind the other planets later.
  • Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  • As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
  • God must love stupid people, he made so many.
  • The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  • It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
  • I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
  • It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
  • Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
  • I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
  • Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.
  • Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
  • Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.
  • Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
  • Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
  • CAT----- The Other White Meat
  • Beer----- The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon
  • I'm Out Of Bed And Dressed-----What More Do You Want?
  • Remember My Name------You'll Be Screaming It Later.
  • Jesus loves you. Everybody else thinks you're an ass.
  • I miss my wife, but my aim is getting better.

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.
  

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You Know You Joined a Cheap New HMO When...
  • 10. Your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters.
  • Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
  • The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
  • The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
  • The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "An apple a day."
  • Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
  • "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.
  • With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with little "M"s on them.

And the Number 1 Sign You've Joined a Cheap HMO . . .

  • The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

Submitted by Max, Bethany Texas
  

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Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark... 

  1. Don't miss the boat.

  2. Remember that we are all in the same boat. 

  3. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark. 

  4. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big. 

  5. Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done. 

  6. Build your future on high ground. 

  7. For safety's sake, travel in pairs. 

  8. Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs. 

  9. When you're stressed, float a while. 

  10. Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

  11. No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.

Submitted by Sister Wink, Brooklyn, NY

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More worthy rules to live one's life to . . .
  • Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
  • You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
  • The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."
  • Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
  • When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
  • The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"
  • If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe them.
  • Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'
  • Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
  • If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
  • Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
  • Work is good, but it's not that important.
  • And finally... Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

Submitted by Penny, Leasburg, Va.
  

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Each year the Washington Post's asks readers to take any word from the dictionary ...

. . . alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a new definition. Here are the 2001 winners:

  • Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
  • Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
  • Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
  • Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
  • Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
  • Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
  • Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
  • Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
  • Glibido: All talk and no action.
  • Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you have been smoking marijuana.

And, the pick of the literature:

  • Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ass

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, PA.
 

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Random thoughts from comedian Steve Wright . . .
  • Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
  • A day without sunshine is like, night.
  • On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  • I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
  • 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  • 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
  • Honk if you love peace and quiet.
  • Remember, half the people you know are below average.
  • He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  • The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
  • Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
  • Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad > memory.
  • Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
  • Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
  • Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
  • Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
  • If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
  • How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
  • How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  • When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
  • Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  • I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
  • I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
  • Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  • Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.

Submitted by Wink, Brooklyn, NY
  

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Excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling)
  • My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
  • Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
  • Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
  • Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administratin
  • Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
  • John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his fac
  • Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
  • Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
  • Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
  • Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
  • Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]
  • Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
  • Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
  • Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
  • I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.
  • Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
  • Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funera
  • My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
  • Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
  • Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
  • Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
  • Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

Submitted by Vicki, Kennett Square, Pa.
  

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Further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity . . .

. . . here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

  • On a Sears hairdryer:" Do not use while sleeping."
  • On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
  • On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
  • On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
  • On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
  • On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
  • On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
  • On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
  • On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
  • On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
  • On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
  • On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
  • On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
  • On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
  • On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or teath."

Submitted by Wink, Brooklyn, NY
  

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Insightful one liners to impress people with at parties
  • Black holes are where God divided by zero . . . 
  • Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • OK, so what's the speed of dark?
  • How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
  • something.
  • When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
  • Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
  • I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  • I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
  • I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
  • Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  • If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  • No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  • Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
  • The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
  • The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  • The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
  • Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
  • Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
  • Half the people you know are below average.
  • 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Submitted by Patty, Leasburg, Va.
  

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Signs You've Grown Up
  • Your potted plants are alive. And you can't smoke a single one of them.
  • You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
  • 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
  • You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
  • You carry an umbrella. (You watch the Weather Channel.)
  • Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hookup" and "breakup".
  • You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
  • Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'
  • You're the one calling the police because your neighbor next door plays
  • the stereo to loud.
  • Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
  • You don't know what time Taco Bell closes any more.
  • Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
  • You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
  • Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
  • You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
  • Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
  • Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
  • A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff.'
  • You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
  • "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces "I'm never going to
  • drink that much again."
  • Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
  • You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
  • You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to You

Submitted by Neil, Kennett Square, Pa.
 

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