|
More one-line lessons of life
- I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
- Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
- Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
- Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
- I DON'T HAVE AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM, YOU HAVE A PERCEPTION PROBLEM.
- Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, "where the heck is the ceiling?"
- My reality check bounced.
- On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
- I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
- You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
- Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
- Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
- Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
- A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
- Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
- After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious.
- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
- If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
- When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
- Following the rules will not get the job done.
- When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
- Only the mediocre are at their best all the time.
- There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
- Bring ideas in and entertain them royally, for one of them may be the king.
- If at first you don't succeed ...... skydiving isn't for you.
- When everything is coming your way ...... you're in the wrong lane.
Submitted by Barb, Unionville, Pa
|
Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous
Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
More Bumper Sticker that prove American's have a
great sense of humor!
- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
- I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me.
- Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
- I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
- Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
- You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
- BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
- I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
- So you're a feminist ... Isn't that cute.
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
- Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
- I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
- Earth first...we'll mind the other planets later.
- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
- As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
- God must love stupid people, he made so many.
- The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
- I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
- It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
- I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
- Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.
- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
- Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.
- Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- CAT----- The Other White Meat
- Beer----- The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon
- I'm Out Of Bed And Dressed-----What More Do You Want?
- Remember My Name------You'll Be Screaming It Later.
- Jesus loves you. Everybody else thinks you're an ass.
- I miss my wife, but my aim is getting better.
Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.
|
Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous
Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
You Know You Joined a Cheap New HMO When...
- 10. Your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters.
- Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
- The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
- The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
- The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "An apple a day."
- Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
- "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.
- With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with little "M"s on them.
And the Number 1 Sign You've Joined a Cheap HMO . . .
- The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
Submitted by Max, Bethany Texas
|
Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous
Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
Everything I need to know about life, I learned
from Noah's Ark...
-
Don't miss the boat.
-
Remember that we are all in the same boat.
-
Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
-
Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
-
Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
-
Build your future on high ground.
-
For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
-
Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
-
When you're stressed, float a while.
-
Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
-
No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.
Submitted by Sister Wink, Brooklyn, NY
|
Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous
Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
More worthy rules to live one's life to . . .
- Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
- You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
- The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."
- Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
- When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
- The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"
- If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe them.
- Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'
- Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
- If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
- Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right
about you.
- Work is good, but it's not that important.
- And finally... Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
Submitted by Penny, Leasburg, Va.
|
Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous
Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
Each year the
Washington Post's asks readers to take any word from the dictionary ...
. . . alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a new definition. Here are the 2001 winners:
- Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
- Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
- Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
- Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
- Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
- Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
- Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
- Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious bummer.
- Glibido: All talk and no action.
- Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you have been smoking marijuana.
And, the pick of the literature:
- Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ass
Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, PA.
|
Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous
Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
Random thoughts from comedian Steve Wright . . .
- Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
- A day without sunshine is like, night.
- On the other hand, you have different fingers.
- I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
- Honk if you love peace and quiet.
- Remember, half the people you know are below average.
- He who laughs last thinks slowest.
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
- Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
- Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad > memory.
- Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
- Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
- Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
- Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
- If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
- How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.
Submitted by Wink, Brooklyn, NY
|
Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous
Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
Excuse notes from parents (with their original
spelling)
- My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
- Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
- Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
- Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administratin
- Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
- John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his fac
- Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
- Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
- Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
- Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
- Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]
- Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
- Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
- Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
- I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.
- Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it
was Sunday.
- Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funera
- My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
- Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
- Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
- Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore
throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
- Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the
doctor.
Submitted by Vicki, Kennett Square, Pa.
|
Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous
Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
Further proof that the human race is
doomed through stupidity . . .
. . . here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
- On a Sears hairdryer:" Do not use while sleeping."
- On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
- On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
- On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
- On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
- On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
- On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
- On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
- On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
- On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
- On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
- On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
- On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
- On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
- On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or teath."
Submitted by Wink, Brooklyn, NY
|
Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous
Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
Insightful one
liners to impress people with at parties
- Black holes are where God divided by zero . . .
- Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
- How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
- something.
- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
- Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
- I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- No one is listening until you make a mistake.
- Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
- The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
- Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
- Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
- Half the people you know are below average.
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Submitted by Patty, Leasburg, Va.
|
Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous
Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
Signs You've Grown Up
- Your potted plants are alive. And you can't smoke a single one of them.
- You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
- 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
- You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
- You carry an umbrella. (You watch the Weather Channel.)
- Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hookup" and "breakup".
- You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
- Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'
- You're the one calling the police because your neighbor next door plays
- the stereo to loud.
- Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
- You don't know what time Taco Bell closes any more.
- Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
- You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
- Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
- You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
- Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
- Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
- A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff.'
- You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
- "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces "I'm never going to
- drink that much again."
- Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
- You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
- You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to You
Submitted by Neil, Kennett Square, Pa.
|
Go to page 13 of Humorous Saying |
Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous
Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
|
|