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Miscellaneous quotes
- Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say
to myself: "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." --
Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
- Last week, I stated this woman was the
ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her
sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. -- Mark Twain
- The secret of a good sermon is to have a good
beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as
possible. -- George Burns
- Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people
only once a year. -- Victor Borge
- Be careful about reading health books. You
may die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain
- By all means, marry. If you get a good wife,
you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a
philosopher. -- Socrates
- I was married by a judge. I should have asked
for a jury. -- Groucho Marx
- My wife has a slight impediment in her
speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. -- Jimmy Durante
- I have never hated a man enough to give his
diamonds back. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
- Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass
all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. --
Alex Levine
- My luck is so bad that if I bought a
cemetery, people would stop dying. -- Rodney Dangerfield
- Money can't buy you happiness .. but it does
bring you a more pleasant form of misery. -- Spike Milligan
- I am opposed to millionaires... but it would
be dangerous to offer me the position. -- Mark Twain
- Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was
SHUT UP. -- Joe Namath
- I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until
noon. Then it's time for my nap. -- Bob Hope
- I never drink water because of the disgusting
things that fish do in it. -- W.C. Fields
- We could certainly slow the aging process
down if it had to work its way through Congress. -- Will Rogers
- Don't worry about avoiding temptation; as you
grow older, it will avoid you. -- Winston Churchill
- Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ...
but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. --
Phyllis Diller
- By the time a man is wise enough to watch his
step, he's too old to go anywhere. -- Billy Crystal
Submitted by Eleanor, San
Francisco, Calif.
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Metaphors - high school
varieties
- Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle
that had its two sides compressed by a Thigh Master.
- He spoke with the wisdom that can only come
from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a
solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now
he goes around the country speaking at high schools about the danger
of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a
pinhole in it.
- She grew on him like she was a colony of E.
Coli and he was room-temperature prime English beef.
- She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like
the sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
- Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
- He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
- The revelation that his marriage had
disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock,
like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
- The little boat gently drifted across the
pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
- From the attic came an unearthly howl. The
whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're holiday
and "Sex in the City" comes on at 7.00 pm instead of 7.30.
- Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose
hair after a sneeze.
- The hailstones leapt from pavement, just like
maggots when you fry them in hot oil.
- John and Mary had never met. They were like
two hummingbirds who had also never met.
- Even in his last years Grandad had a mind
like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had
rusted shut.
- The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law
Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan might work.
- The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind
you get from not eating for a while.
- "Oh, Jason, take me!", she panted, her
breasts heaving like a uni student on a $1-a-beer night.
- He was a lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical
duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from
stepping on a mine or something.
- The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and
extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
- He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he
thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
- She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
- She walked into my office like a centipede
with 98 legs missing.
- It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you
accidentally staple it to the wall.
Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia
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Strange Quotes on "Social
Behavior"
- It is always the best policy to tell the
truth, unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar. (Jerome K.
Jerome)
- Always acknowledge a fault frankly. This will
throw those in authority off guard and allow you opportunity to commit
more. (Mark Twain)
- When you have to kill a man it costs nothing
to be polite. (Winston Churchill)
- I've had a wonderful evening - but this
wasn't it. (Groucho Marx)
- I don't want to belong to any club that will
accept me as a member. (Groucho Marx)
- Those are my principals, if you don't like
them....I have others." (Groucho Marx)
- All the things I really like are either
immoral, illegal or fattening. (Alexander Woollcott)
- Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. (Mark
Twain)
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Signs You've Chosen a
"No Frills" Airline
- They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
- All the insurance machines in the terminal
are sold out.
- Before the flight, the passengers get
together and elect a pilot.
- You cannot board the plane unless you have
the exact change.
- Before you took off, the stewardess tells you
to fasten your Velcro.
- The Captain asks all the passengers to chip
in a little for gas.
- When they pull the steps away, the plane
starts rocking.
- The Captain yells at the ground crew to get
the cows off the runway.
- You ask the Captain how often their planes
crash and he says, "Just once."
- No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps
flashing before your eyes.
- You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding
to be let off the plane.
- All the planes have both a bathroom and a
chapel.
Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY
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If you love someone as told by: Shakespeare
If you love someone, set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, here's the poison, suicide yourself for her.
Optimist
If you love someone, set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.
Suspicious
If you love someone, set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.
Impatient
If you love someone, set her free ...
If she doesn't comes back within some time forget her.
Patient
If you love someone, set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back.
Playful
If you love someone, set her free ...
*If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat*
C++ Programmer
if(you-love(m_she))
m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she= new CShe;
Lawyers
If you love someone, set her free ...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that ...
Bill Gates
If you love someone, set her free ...
If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees but tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.
Biologist
If you love someone, set her free ...
She'll evolve.
Statisticians
If you love someone, set her free ...
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high If she doesn't, the Weibull distribution and your relation was improbable anyway.
Salesman
If you love someone, set her free ...
If she ever comes back, deal!
If she doesn't, so what! "NEXT".
Schwarzenegger's fans
If you love someone, set her free ...
SHE'LL BE BACK!
Insurance agent
If you love someone, set her free ...
If she ever comes back, sign her up,
If she doesn't, keep follow up with her and never give up!
Physician
If you love someone, set her free ...
If she ever comes back, it's the law of gravity,
If she doesn't, either there's friction higher than the force or the angle of collision between two objects did not synchronize at the right angle.
Mathematician
If you love someone, set her free ...
If she ever comes back, 1 + 1 = 2 (peanut!),
If she doesn't, Y = 2X - log(0.46Y^2 + (cos(52/34X)) x 5Y^(-0.5)c) where c is the infinite constant of no turning point.
Submitted by Dory, Pittsburg, Pa.
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Real Tombstone Inceptions
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.
Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
Anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
I was somebody.
Who, is no business
Of yours.
In a Georgia cemetery:
"I told you I was sick!"
Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery,
Richmond, Virginia:
She always said her feet were
killing her
but nobody believed her.
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls,
Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.
It was.
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.
And, Dr. Fred Roberts, Brookland, Arkansas:
Office upstairs
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire,
England
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Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support
- Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny
little lines all over the screen
A: Pick it up and shake it.
- Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
- Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
- Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
- Q: How do I set the background and foreground
to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
- Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting
my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
- Q: How do I delete a document on my
Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
- Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
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Conversion Table,
for you brainy types----
- Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its
diameter = Eskimo Pi
- 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
- 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
- Time between slipping on a peel and smacking
the pavement = 1bananosecond
- Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1
billigram
- Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical
mile per hour =Knotfurlong
- 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod
Serling
- Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
- 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahertz
- Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
- Shortest distance between two jokes = A
straight line
- 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
- 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
- 1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
- 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
- 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
- 52 cards = 1 decacards
- 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
- 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
- 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
- 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
- 10 rations = 1 decoration
- 100 rations = 1 C-ration
- 2 monograms = 1 diagram
- 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
- 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical
tubing at Cornell University Hospital = 1 IV League
- 100 Senators = Not 1 decision
Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.
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Police Quotes
- "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
- "The handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
- "So, you don't know how fast you were going.
I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
- "The answer to this last question will
determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or
dog?"
- "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We
used to have quotas, but now
- we're allowed to write as many tickets as we
want."
- "Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm
warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
- "Life's tough, it's tougher if you're
stupid."
- "In God we trust, all others are suspects."
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Deep Thoughts About Pigs
and Sheep
- Do you think sheep know when
you're pulling the wool over their eyes?
- Does the person who inventories sheep often
fall asleep on the job?
- If a pig is sold to the pawn shop is it then
called a ham-hock?
- If we make sweaters out of a sheep's hair,
what do the sheep use to make sweaters?
- If you can't make a silk purse from a sow's
ear what can you make with it?
- If you pushed a pig down a hill would he be a
sausage roll?
- What do pigs say when they don't want to do
something? Would it be 'Yea when humans fly'?
- What do sheep count when they can't get to
sleep?
- Why can't pigs look up into the sky?
- Why do pigs have curly tails?
- Why do we call them guinea pigs when they are
neither from Guinea nor are they pigs?
- Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
- Why is it that only pigs and humans can get
sunburn?
- Why is it that the first thing we try to do
after killing a pig is to cure it?
- Would a small pig be called a hamlet?
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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