• If You Can't Feed Em, Don't Breed Em!
• Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
• If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
• The Earth Is Full - Go Home. I Have
• The Body Of A God - Buddha.
• Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
• If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
• Illiterate? Write For Help.
• Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
•  I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
• I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
• Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
• (Seen Upside Down On A Jeep) If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
• Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Also Are Timed For 70 mph
•  Ax Me About Ebonics.
• Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
• Boldly Going Nowhere.
• Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
• Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
• All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed Houck
 

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• "You know, stop lights don't come any redder that the one you just went through."
• "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
• "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
• "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
• "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
• "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
• "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supe! rvisor?"
• "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
• "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
• "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
• "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
• "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
• "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
• "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
• "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
• "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here!

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 or 30 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days-he's mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out of a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Caviar?

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope . If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from figuring which way to slide my card, entering my PIN number, finding and pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my candy bar.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "chicken with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those celebrities playing poker was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh no wait! They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it' s for babies and new homes, graduations and getting out of rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people's version of looting.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do you want fries with that?"

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed Houck
 

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... right after "The check is in the mail" and "I'm from the government and I'm here to help you." Here is a sampling from the thousands she received:

• "It's a good thing you came in today. We only have two more in stock."
• "Five pounds is nothing on a person of your height."
• "You made it yourself? I never would have guessed."
• "Of course I'll respect you in the morning."
• "You don't look a day over 40."
• "Dad, I need to move out of the dorm into an apartment of my own so I can have some peace and quiet when I study."
• "It's delicious, but I can't eat another bite."
• "The new ownership won't affect you. The company will remain the same."
• "The puppy won't be any trouble, Mom. I promise I'll take care of it myself."
• "Your hair looks just fine."
• "Put away the map. I know exactly how to get there."
• "You don't need it in writing. You have my personal guarantee

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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• It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
• Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
• A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!
• A hooker once told me she had a headache.
• I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
• If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
• I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
• I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
• My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
• I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
• My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer
• My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

Submitted by Bill, Gettysburg, Pa.
 

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• I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.
• I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call 'blue teeth', I think
• You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
• I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
• I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'
• I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."
• I have that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
• I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, ?"No, it's for company!"
• Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' ?  I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"
• Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do... write to these men?
• Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!
• I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older.  Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mary Ed Houck
 

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• Prof. of Economics - Kiss is that thing for which the demand is aways higher than the supply.
• Prof. of Accountancy - Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
• Prof. of Algebra - Kiss is infinity because two divided by nothing.
• Prof. of Geometry - Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips.
• Prof. of Physics - Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
• Prof. of Chemistry - Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
• Prof. of Physiology - Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularisoris muscles in the state of contraction.
• Prof. of Dentistry - Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
• Prof. of Philosophy - Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
• Prof. of Comp. Science  - What is a kiss? It seems to be an undefined variable!
• Prof. of English - Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction, it is more common than proper, it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
• Prof. of Architecture - Kiss is a process which builds a solid bond between the two dynamic objects.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed
 

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Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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• The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
• The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
• Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
• The skin was moist and dry.
• Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
• The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
• She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
• Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
• The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
• I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
• The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.
• Examination reveals a well-developed male laying in bed with his family in no distress.
• Patient was alert and unresponsive.
• When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
• The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
• Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
• Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
• She is numb from her toes down.
• Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
• While in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
• The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
• The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.
 

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Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
 

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Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

Go to page 27 of Humorous Saying

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