|
Police Quotes ...
- "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
- "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
- "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
- "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
- "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
- "Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
- "Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
- "In God we trust, all others are suspects."
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD
|
Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous
Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
Old Rancher's Advice
- Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight, and bull-strong.
- Keep skunks, bankers, and lawyers at a distance.
- Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
- A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
- Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
- Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
- Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
- Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
- It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
- You cannot unsay a cruel word.
- Every path has a few puddles.
- When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
- The best sermons are lived, not preached.
- Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen, anyway.
- Don't judge folks by their relatives.
- Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
- Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
- Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
- Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
- If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin '.
- Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
- The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'."
- Always drink upstream from the herd.
- Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
- Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
- If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
- Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
Submitted by Dory, Pittsburgh, Pa.
|
Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous
Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
Good Advice Military Style
- "Aim towards the Enemy." Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
- "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." USAF
- "When the enemy is in range, so are you." Infantry Journal
- "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." U.S. Air Force Manual
- "Tracers work both ways." U.S. Army Ordnance
- "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." USAF
- "Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base
Kadena,Japan
- "You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
- "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
- "Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." --From an old carrier sailor
- "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -and therefore, unsafe."
- "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
|
Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous
Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
The Wisdom Of Our Time . . .
- It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
- You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
- We have enough youth. How about a fountain of 'smart'?
- The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
- A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
- When blondes have more fun do they know it?
- Learn from Your Parents' Mistakes Use Birth Control
- Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
- Don't Drink and Drive You might hit a bump and spill something.
- If at first you don't succeed skydiving is not for you.
- Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
- Time's fun when you're having flies. ......Kermit the Frog
- We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
- Red meat is not bad for you Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
- Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- Alabama state motto: At least we're not Mississippi
- Artificial Intelligence Is No Match for Natural Stupidity.
- GUN CONTROL: using both hands
- The more I learn about terrorism, the more I understand the phone company.
- The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population
|
Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous
Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
Not the brightest bulbs in the lamp ...
- They told me to meet them at the corner of "WALK" and "ONE WAY."
- at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here", they put "Sagittarius."
- They asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
- They studied for a blood test.
- They thought they needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
- They sold the car for gas money!
- When they missed the 44 bus, they took the 22 bus twice instead.
- When they went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," they turned around and went home.
- When they heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, they moved.
- They think Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
- If they spoke her mind, they'd be speechless.
- They thought that they could not use their AM radio in the evening.
- They had a shirt that said "TGIF," which they thought stood for: This Goes In Front.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
|
Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous
Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
Did They Mean to Say That?
- On a New York loft building: "Wanted: Woman to sew buttons on the fourth floor."
- In a New Hampshire medical building: "Martin Diabetes Professional Ass."
- In the office of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."
- In a New York medical building: "Mental health prevention center."
- In a toy department: "Five Santa Clauses -- no waiting."
- On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
- On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.
- At a number of military bases: "Restraicted to unauthorized personnel."
- In a number of parking areas: "Violators will be enforced and Trespassers will be violated."
- On a display of "I Love You Only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."
- In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machines do the dirty work."
- In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan.
- On a window of a New Hampshire hamburger restaurant: "Yes, we are open. Sorry for the inconvenience."
- At restaurant-gas stations throughout the nation: "Eat here and get gas."
- At a Sante Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."
- In a New Hampshire jewelry store: "Ears pierced while you wait."
- In an New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."
- In a Michigan restaurant: "The early bird gets the worm! Special shoppers' luncheon before 11:00 AM."
- On a delicatessen wall: "Our best is none too good."
- On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law -- Sisters of Mercy"
- On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaning store: "Thirty-eight years on the same spot."
- In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."
- On a movie theater: "Children's matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with child."
- In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed!"
- In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy.
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, PA.
|
Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous
Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
Signs That Things are Weird
- In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
- In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits - $10.00 - They won't last an hour!"
- On an Indiana shopping mall marquee: "Archery tournament. Ears pierced."
- In the bathroom of a large apartment building: "When taking showers, please leave the bathroom door a jar. This will prevent the plaster from peeling."
- Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
- On a North Carolina highway: "EAT -- 300 FEET"
- On an Ohio highway: "Drive slower When Wet."
- On a New Hampshire highway: "You are speeding when flashing."
- On a Pennsylvania highway: "Drive carefully: Auto accidents kill most people from 15 to 19."
- In downtown Boston: "Calahan Tunnel/No. End."
- In the window of an Oregon general store: "Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"
- In a Massachusetts parking area reserved for birdwatchers: "Parking for birds only."
- In a New Jersey restaurant: "Open 11:00 AM to 11:00 PM Midnight."
- In front of a New Hampshire restaurant: "Now serving live lobsters."
- In front of a New Hampshire store: "Endurable floors."
- On a radiator repair garage: "Best place too take a leak."
|
Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous
Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
What car names really mean ...
- SAAB Still aint a Beemer
- AMC All makes combined
- MGB Might go backwards
- BMW - Bought my wife
- VOLVO Very odd looking vehicular object
- ACURA Asias curse upon Rural America
- PINTO Put in nickel to operate
- TRIUMPH This really is unreliable please help
- HYUNDAI Helps you understand nothings drivable and inexpensive
- PONTIAC Poor Old Newfie thinks its a Cadillac (Newfie is a Canadian Slang for Newfoundler like Pollack)
- FIAT Fix it again Tony
Submitted by Archie, London Ontario Canada
|
Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous
Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
Gentle thoughts for today
- Birds of a feather flock together, then cr*p on your car.
- When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbour's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
- A penny saved is a government oversight.
- The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
- The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
- The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
- He who hesitates is probably right.
- Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'
- If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
- If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to blame.
- The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
- There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
- Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
- The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
- Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
- I've travelled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
- When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
- You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
-
- One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
- Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
- First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
- It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
- Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
Submitted by my wife, Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.
|
Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous
Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
More actual newspaper headlines...
- March Planned For Next August
- L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal by Landslide
- Patient at Death's Door - Doctors Pull Him Through
- Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
- Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
- Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
- Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
- President Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
|
Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous
Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
Pondering the Imponderable
- What was the best thing before sliced bread?
- One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
- Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
- How is it possible to have a civil war?
- If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
- Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
- Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
- Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
- If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
- Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
|
Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous
Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
What it 'Really' really means
- "I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
- "That's women's work," REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."
- "Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
- "It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
- "Can I help with dinner?" REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on the table?"
- "It would take too long to explain, "REALLY MEANS, "I have no idea how it works."
- "I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The batteries in the remote are dead."
- "We're going to be late," REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
- "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard, "REALLY MEANS, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
- "That's interesting, dear," REALLY MEANS, "Are you still talking?"
- "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love," REALLY MEANS, "I forgot our anniversary again."
- "You expect too much of me," REALLY MEANS, "You want me to stay awake?"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
|
Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous
Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
Doctors: What they say & What they really mean!
- "This should be taken care of right away." - "I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures
itself."
- "Well, what have we here ..." Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.
- "We'll see." - "First I have to check my malpractice insurance."
- "Let me check your medical history." -"I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you."
- "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week." -1) "I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time." 2) "I need the money, so I'm
charging you for another office visit."
- "I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor." - "I hate those guys mooching in on our fees."
- "Hmmmmmmmm." -Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt. (Proctologist also say this a
lot.)
- "We have some good news and some bad news." - The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is you're going to pay for it.
- "Let's see how it develops." -"Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured."
- "Let me schedule you for some tests." -"I have a 40% interest in the lab."
- "How are we today?" -"I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell."
- "I'd like to prescribe a new drug." - "I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig."
- "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." - "I don't know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go away by itself."
- "That's quite a nasty looking wound." -"I think I'm going to throw up."
- "This may smart a little." -"Last week two patients bit through their tongues."
- "This should fix you up." - "The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms."
- "Everything seems to be normal." -"I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all."
- "I'd like to run some more tests." -"I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one."
- "Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?" -He thinks you are crazy and is hoping to find a psychiatrist who will split fees.
- "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment." -"I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.
Submitted by Dory, Pittsburgh, Pa.
|
Go to page 29 of Humorous Saying |
Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous
Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes |
|
|
|