• Juan Valdez names his donkey after you
• You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked
• You grind your coffee beans in your mouth
• You sleep with your eyes open
• You have to watch videos in fast-forward
• You lick your coffee pot clean
• Your eyes stay open when you sneeze
• The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse
• You can type sixty words a minute with your feet
• You can jump-start your car without cables
• Your only sources of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low"
• You don't sweat, you percolate
• You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug
• You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee
• You've worn the finish off you coffee table
• The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you
• Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house
• You're so wired you pick up FM radio
• Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans"
• Instant coffee takes too long
• You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can
• You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar"
• Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position
• Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hook

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• Even if the voices aren't real, they have some pretty good ideas.
• Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
• The most adorable bride of today will be someone's mother-in-law in the future.
• Punctual people have nothing better to do.
• People who want by the yard, but try by the inch, should be kicked by the foot!
• Nothing tastes as good as slim feels.
• Save time . . . see it my way.
• The only thing you have to do is breathe; Everything else is just optional.
• People spend their health for wealth . . . then spend their wealth for health.
• Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.
• Nobody plans to fail, they just fail to plan.
• Worry is interest paid in advance for a debt you may never owe.
• Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at.
• The closest some people ever get to a 4.0 in school is their blood alcohol content.
• The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
• Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up!! You don't know where it's been!!"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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• The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
• The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
• He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
• The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
• She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
• She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
• "Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1abeer night.
• Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
• The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
• The red brick wall was the colour of a brickred Crayola crayon.
• She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
• Her pants fit her like a glove, well, maybe more like a mitten, actually.
• Fishing is like waiting for something that does not happen very often.
• It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
• He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
• The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr on a Dr Pepper can.
• It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
• He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
• The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
• Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 pm travelling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
• They lived in a typical suburban neighbourhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
• John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
• He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
• Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
• Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
• He was as tall as a sixfoot, three-inch tree.
• The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
• The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
• The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton.
• He was as bald as one of the Three Stooges, either Curly or Larry, you know, the one who goes woo woo woo.
• The sardines were packed as tight as the coach section of a 747.
• Her eyes were shining like two marbles that someone dropped in mucus and then held up to catch the light.
• The baseball player stepped out of the box and spit like a fountain statue of a Greek god that scratches itself a lot and spits brown, rusty tobacco water and refuses to sign autographs for all the little Greek kids unless they pay him lots of drachmas.
• I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Gesch-pooklichkeit or something, but I don't speak German. Anyway, it's a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don't know the name for those either.
• McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
• From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
• Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
• Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
• His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances, like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
• He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
• She grew on him like she was a colony of e-coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
• She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
• Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
• Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre.
• The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.
• He felt like he was being hunted down like a dog, in a place that hunts dogs, I suppose.
• Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
• They were as good friends as the people on "Friends."
• Oooo, he smells bad, she thought, as bad as Calvin Klein's Obsession would smell if it were called Enema and was made from spoiled Spam-burgers instead of natural floral fragrances.
• She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain, and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe, and on top of that you can't sing worth a damn.
• Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
• It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
• You know how in "Rocky" he prepares for the fight by punching sides of raw beef? Well, yesterday it was as cold as that meat locker he was in.
• The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
• The sunset displayed rich, spectacular hues like a jpeg file at 10 per cent cyan, 10 per cent magenta, 60 per cent yellow and 10 per cent black.

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• Don't abbrev.
• Check to see if you any words out.
• Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct.
• About sentence fragments.
• When dangling, don't use participles.
• Don't use no double negatives.
• Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.
• Just between You and i, case is important.
• Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
• Don't use commas, that aren't necessary.
• Its important to use apostrophe's right.
• It's better not to unnecessarily split an infinitive.
• Never leave a transitive verb just lay there without an object.
• Only Proper Nouns should be capitalized. also a sentence should.
• begin with a capital and end with a period
• Use hyphens in compound-words, not just in any two-word phrase.
• In letters compositions reports and things like that we use commas to keep a string of items apart.
• Watch out for irregular verbs which have creeped into our language.
• Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
• Avoid unnecessary redundancy.
• A writer mustn't shift your point of view.
• Don't write a run-on sentence you've got to punctuate it.
• A preposition isn't a good thing to end a sentence with.
• Avoid clichés like the plague.

Submitted by Katie, Gettysburg, Pa.
 

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• WUF WUF - On a Brown Rover
• 2QT4U - 2 Cute for you
• TUSKY - To ski
• TIHS O - This one that works in the rear view mirror. This guy fooled the Ontario authorities.
• 4MYEGO - On a Porsche.
• BSSCLRNT - On a professional bass clarinetist' car.
• BANDLADY - On a high school band teacher's car.
• ORFFAN - On a car of music educator, who teaches using methods developed by Carl Orff.
• SEWBIZ - On the car owned by a sewing machine dealership.
• IDUNTOLU - Seen on a school principal's car. He was in charge of discipline.
• GGR OOM - On a Horse Grooming Company car.
• PN DCTR - On acupuncturist's car.
• 6UL DV8 - Sexual Deviate
• JUNK - On a 1993 GMC (jimmy). On a recycler of junk metals in Maryland.
• ML8ML8 - I'm late, I'm late {for a very important date}, On a white Volkswagen Rabbit.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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• Foreign film: any movie shown in Texas theater that isn't a western.
• Optimist: girl who regards a bulge as a curve.
• Magazine: bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.
• College: the four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.
• Emergency numbers police station, fire department and places that deliver.
• Opera: when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.
• Buffet: a French word that means "get up and get it yourself."
• Baby-sitter: a teenager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teenagers.
• Tattoo: permanent proof of temporary insanity.
• Traffic light: apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.
• Divorce: postgraduate in school of love.
• Pioneer: early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.
• People: some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.
• Swimming pool: a mob of people with water in it.
• Self-control: the ability to eat only one peanut.
• Salesman: man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.
• Cannibal: person who likes to see other people stewed.
• Egocentric: a person who believes he is everything you know you are.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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• Unusual location: In the path of a projected motorway.
• Local authority grants available: About to be condemned.
• Period residence: Built in the last two years.
• Select neighborhood: Beside sewage works.
• Compact: Tiny.
• Country gentleman's residence: No longer suitable for agricultural tenants.
• Unusual features: No roof.
• Delightful rural location: In flight path of nuclear bomber base.
• Box room: Suitable for accommodating one or two large cardboard boxes, Folded.
• A wealth of period features: Your self, dry rot, rising damp and an electrical circuit best operated in rubber gloves and wellies.
• Quite, secluded setting: On site of proposed dormitory town.
• Well situated: In full view of the neighbors.
• Within easy distance of: Next door to a pub and opposite a sex shop local amenities.
• Rare opportunity to buy: No one else want's it.
• For the gardening enthusiast: Grounds like a jungle.
• Extensively modernized: Former DIY owner had a breakdown under the strain.
• Unspoilt: Planning permission granted for field next door.
• Deceptive appearance: It looks terrible.
• Partial central heating: The room above the boiler can get warm in summer.
• Easily maintained: Requires at least two gardeners and live-in maid.
• Useful outbuildings: No inside toilet.
• Much sought after: It's been on the market at least twice before and still no one wants it.
• By private treaty: If it went to auction it would never reach the reserve price.
• Owner eager to sell: If it goes within a week the subsidence cracks won't be noticed.
• Subject to new instructions: They have just discovered death watch beetle.
• Sold: Unless idiots like you offer a higher price.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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• Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.
• Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.
• Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
• Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
• Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life.
• The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
• When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.
• Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
• The real reason you can't take it with you is that it goes before you do.
• Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
• Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
• A closed mouth gathers no feet.
• A man (or woman) who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.
• A modern pioneer is a woman who can get through a rainy Saturday with a television on the blink.
• The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.
• Money isn't everything....there's credit cards, money orders, and travellers checks.

• When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half.

• I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

• The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

• I have learned there is little difference in husbands; you might as well keep the first.

• If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make vegetable stew.

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• Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
• We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
• War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
• Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research..
• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
• I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
• Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
• I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
• Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
• A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
• I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
• Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
• You're never too old to learn something stupid.
• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
• Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
• A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
• Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
• I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
• When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
 

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• Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes?
• Does the person who inventories sheep often fall asleep on the job?
• If a pig is sold to the pawn shop is it then called a ham-hock?
• If we make sweaters out of a sheep's hair, what do the sheep use to make sweaters?
• If you can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear what can you make with it?
• If you pushed a pig down a hill would he be a sausage roll?
• What do pigs say when they don't want to do something? Would it be 'Yea when humans fly'?
• What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?
• Why can't pigs look up into the sky?
• Why do pigs have curly tails?
• Why do we call them guinea pigs when they are neither from Guinea nor are they pigs?
• Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
• Why is it that only pigs and humans can get sunburn?
• Why is it that the first thing we try to do after killing a pig is to cure it?
• Would a small pig be called a hamlet?

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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• The school should pay me to skip class. Call it a "tuition refund", if you will.
• A Pessimist is what an Optimist calls a Realist.
• I was wondering where my boomerang had landed - and then it came to me.
• There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
• Scars: Tattoos with better stories.
• Loved are the ones who are told of their faults in private.
• A:\ B:\ C:\ - Alphabet of a new generation.
• Look after your wife; never mind yourself--she'll look after you.
• Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
• Say nothing . . . often.
• Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young.
• All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
• Everything is always okay in the end. If it's not, it's not the end.
• You non-conformists are all alike.
• Sign on a synagogue: Under same management for 5,765 years.
• The extra mile isn't half as long as all those other miles.
• A genius is someone who is screwed up in a useful way.
• Life is really like a shower. One wrong turn and you're in hot water.
• When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

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I got some new aftershave today that smells like bread crumbs, the birds love it!

• David Cameron has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week all the forms will be printed in English.
• I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.?
• An RAF fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane both with a machine gunner on board. Sensing danger he shot them down. Back at base he got a right bollocking – apparently they were Allied Carpets!?
• On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ - I thought what a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country.
• The school should pay me to skip class. Call it a "tuition refund", if you will.
• A Pessimist is what an Optimist calls a Realist.
• I was wondering where my boomerang had landed - and then it came to me.
• There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
• Scars: Tattoos with better stories.
• Loved are the ones who are told of their faults in private.
• A:\ B:\ C:\ - Alphabet of a new generation.
• Look after your wife; never mind yourself--she'll look after you.
• Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
• Say nothing . . . often.
• Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young.
• All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
• Everything is always okay in the end. If it's not, it's not the end.
• You non-conformists are all alike.
• Sign on a synagogue: Under same management for 5,765 years.
• The extra mile isn't half as long as all those other miles.
• A genius is someone who is screwed up in a useful way.
• Life is really like a shower. One wrong turn and you're in hot water.
• When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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..., viz., Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Dodie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, Myron Cohen and others? Don't you miss their humor? Not one single swear word in their comedy. Well here are some of their best stories:

Submitted by Bill of The Willys, Gettysburg, Pa.
 

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Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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• I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
• Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
• I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
• There is great need for a sarcasm font.
• How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
• Was learning cursive really necessary?
• Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
• Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
• I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
• Bad decisions make good stories.
• You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
• Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
• I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
• I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
• I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
• I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
• I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
• How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
• I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
• Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
• Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
• Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

Submitted by Tim, Pensacola, Fl.
 

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Question: Define the Following Terms

• Antibody: against everyone
• Artery: the study of fine paintings
• Bacteria: back door to a cafeteria
• Benign: what you have after eight
• Cardiology: advance study of poker playing
• Cat Scan: searching for lost kitty
• Chronic: neck of a crow
• Coma: Punctuation mark
• Cyst: short of Sister
• Diagnosis: person with slanted nose
• Dislocation: in this place
• Duodenum: couple in jeans
• Enema: not a friend
• False Labor: pretending to work
• Gallbladder: bladder in a girl
• Hernia: she is close by
• Hymen: greeting to several males
• Labor Pain: hut at work
• Lactose: person without digits on
• Liposuction: a French Kiss
• Lymph : walk unsteadily
• Menopause: I no wait
• Microbes: small dressing gowns
• Obesity: city of Obe
• Pacemaker: winner of Nobel Peace Prize
• Protein: a favour of teens
• Pulse: grain
• Pus: small cat
• Red Blood Count: Dracula
• Rupture: ecstasy
• Secretion: hiding anything
• Serum: Sailors drink
• Subcutaneous: not cute enough
• Suture: Gujarati word for "what do you want"
• Tablet: small table

Submitted by Ray, King of Prussia, Pa.
 

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• USA Today: We're dead
• The Wall Street Journal: Dow Jones plummets as world ends
• National Enquirer: Jon and Kate, together again
• Microsoft Systems Journal: Apple loses market share
• Victoria's Secret catalog: Our final sale
• Sports Illustrated: Game over
• Wired: The last new thing
• Rolling Stone: the Grateful Dead Reunion Tour
• Readers Digest: 'Bye’
• Discover Magazine: How will the extinction of all life as we know it affect the way we view the cosmos?
• Lady's Home Journal: Lose 10 lbs by judgment day with our new "Armageddon" diet!
• America Online: System temporarily down. Try calling back in 15 minutes.
• Inc. Magazine: Ten ways you can profit from the Apocalypse
• Time Magazine: Renew your subscription for eternity

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Submitted by Al, Seattle, Wa.
 

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These glorious insults are from an era before the English language was boiled down to 4-letter words

• The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison." He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
• A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
• "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
• "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
• "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
• "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
• "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
• "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
• "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
• "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
• "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
• "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
• "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
• "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
• "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
• "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
• "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
• "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
• "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
• "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
• "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
• "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
• "He has van Gogh’s ear for music." - Billy Wilder
• "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

Submitted by Bill, Gettysburg, Pa.
 

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• Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
• Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers - Now that's taking things a bit far!
• Miners Refuse to Work after Death - Nogoodfornothing' lazy soandso's!
• Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant-See if that works any better than a fair trial!
• War Dims Hope for Peace- I can see where it might have that effect!
• If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile - Ya think?!
• Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures - Who would have thought!
• Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide - They may be on to something!
• Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges - You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
• Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge - He probably IS the battery charge!
• New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group - Weren't they fat enough?!
• Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft- No comment.
• Kids Make Nutritious Snacks-Do they taste like chicken?
• Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half - Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
• Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors- Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....-

• Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, Pa.
 

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• Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
• There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
• Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
• Don't worry about the world ending today... It's already tomorrow in Australia. (unless you're in Australia -- then start worrying)
• Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
• Drive carefully It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
• A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work..
• A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.
• Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
• The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
• There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
• If at first you don't succeed ... well, so much for sky diving.
• A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 -- Women, 2 -- Fractions

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Dear Noah,
I finally landed in New York. Knew I should never have undertaken that second journey.
Signed, The Dove

Dear UN,
Please find attached my unbeatable formula for peace. No charge.
Signed, John LeMorte, President, Undertakers Guild

Dear Christchurch,
Sorry, you built in the wrong place, the wrong time. I was here first.
Signed, the Pacific Fault Line

Dear Mr. Bush,
We all knew you couldn’t spell.
Signed, The weapons of Ms Destruction.

Dear skin,
Thanks for the pheromones.
Signed, Mosquitoes

Dear Rapper,
Crappa Nuppa this Pappa Throwuppa.Signed,
The English Language

Dear Facebook,
Yes, I’m 90% below the surface too.
Signed, Icebergs

Dear Photon,
Thanks for showing me the light,
Signed, the brain

Dear Winner,
I may represent your success, but remember, I’m a success in my own right. Always nominated as The Statue of Choice. I deserve RESPECT!
Signed, Oscar

Dear Albert,
Your formula is correct. Excuses = Mindless Connivance squared.
Signed, Barak

Dear Walruses,
Thought we’d better let you know that we are adopting your image for our new corporate logo, as we needed something gentle and informative. It was the teeth that did it for us. We both have them long and sharp.
Signed, Dracula Inc.

Dear Professor Smallmind,
A student of yours has sent me a question from your recent exam paper: ‘The question is, to be or not to be. That is the question.’ Discuss. I have been plagiarized, misquoted and trashed over the centuries, but no one has had the temerity to try to top me. The green eyed monster that doth mock the meat it feeds on is still alive, I see – and sweet revenge grows harsh!
Signed, William S

Dear Pooches everywhere,
Lost your sense of smell? Dependant on humans? Overfed and made to feel worthless? We can help. Leave a message on the nearest lamp post,
Signed, Real Dogs Recovery Program

Dear Pythagoras,
Do you realise how disheartening it is living next to a couple of right squares? They keep calling me ‘slope’ or ‘slide’, even ‘slippery’. I’m going to square up to them one day and tell them I’m their equal.
Signed, the hypotenuse.

Dear Teens,
So, you twitter? You live in a nest and eat worms? Watch out for hawks? Crumbs are a luxury?
Stop encroaching on our territory!
Signed, The Birds

Hey Albert,
I don’t care where you are in your space time thingy, an apple still hurts when it falls on your head.
Signed, Isaac

Dear Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty,
Get real, all you ever wanted was a roll in the fantasy hay, and I gave it to you. Some stud, Hey?
Signed, Prince Charming

Dear Gardener,
Imagine, if you will, how you would feel if you had been brought up on the wrong side of the tracks. Then you’d have some appreciation of our plight.
Signed, The Weeds

Dear Forehead,
Yes, I’ll keep falling on you, but existential is not my style.
Signed, Raindrops

Dear Clint,
Talk to us all you want, but we won’t listen. We only understand rustle.
Signed, The Trees

Dear Computer,
Just because I thump the table and scream at you doesn’t mean I don’t love and respect you. And you really are the only computer in the world for me. I love you, baby.
Signed, Me

Dear Schrodinger,
The cat is not in the box, you idiot, it’s in the hat.
Signed, Suess

Dear Cream,
Please, get on with it. You know I’m nothing without you.
Signed, Strawberries

Dear Human,
Take a zero, add a decimal point and a million trillion zeros, and you are still microscopic in the scheme of things. But even then, I guess you might matter.
Signed, The Universe

Dear Nose,
We have perfume so we can procreate, but if it brings pleasure to you, be our guest.
Signed, Flowers

Dear One,
You are only as important as you think you are.
Signed, your Ego.

Dear Appaloosas,
Flighty, fancy, fastidious. That’s you. Dependable, determined, decisive. That’s us.
Signed, Mr. Ed Equus,
President, Clydesdale society International.

Dear Reader,
Thanks for your enjoyment.
Signed, The Smile

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia.
 

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• Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
• For sale: A quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
• Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
• 20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
• Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
• Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
• Modular Sofas. Only $299 For rest or fore play.
• Auto Repair Service. Free pickup and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
• Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.
• Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
• Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale
• And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
• We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.
• Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.
• When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and Up after.
• Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
• We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
• No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
• Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
• Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
• This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.
• For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
• For Sale: Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
• Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last
• Stock up and save. Limit: one
• We build bodies that last a lifetime
• See ladies blouses. 50% Off!
• Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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• Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.
• Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88".
• Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.
• Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of warp coil now help up by phone book.
• Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with "w".
• Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.
• Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image from flickering.
• Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.
• Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.
• Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side become too steep for crew to climb.
• Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2 people on board.
• Holodeck becomes caught in an infinite loop: ship is overcome by ten thousand care bears.
• Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft macaroni and cheese.
• Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer.
• Bug in main computer speech processor: computer voice will either stutter or talk like Barbara Walters.
• Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in Wesley's shower with frozen concentrated orange juice.
• Ship's dryer indiscriminately shreds crew's uniforms, and related problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing with Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed.
• Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says "Pretty please with sugar on it".
• Replacement parts for automatic door to captain's ready room are exhausted and door must be replaced with bead curtains.
• Saucer section separates whenever ship makes left turn.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

  Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes

• Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
• Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
• War Dims Hope for Peace
• If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
• Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
• Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
• Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
• Deer Kill 17,000
• Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
• Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
• New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
• Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
• Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
• Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
• Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
• British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
• Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
• Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
• Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
• New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
• Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
• Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
• Air Head Fired
• Steals Clock, Faces Time
• Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
• Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
• Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
• Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
• Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
• Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

Submitted by Ray, King of Prussia, Pa.
 

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• I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
• Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
• I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
• There is great need for a sarcasm font.
• How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
• Was learning cursive really necessary?
• Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
• Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
• I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
• Bad decisions make good stories.
• You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
• Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
• I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
• I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
• I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
• I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
• I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
• I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
• How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
• I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
• Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
• Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
• Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
• The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Submitted by Tim, Orlando, Fl.
 

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