• On Cripes:

• On Pregnancy:

• On Grandma:

• On Prisons:

• On Phone-In-Polls:

• Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
• 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
• 1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
• Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
• Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
• Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
• 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year
• 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
• Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
• 1000 aches: 1 megahurtz
• Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
• Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line
• A Half-Bath: 1 demijohn
• 453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
• Given the old adage "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single
• step," the first step of a one-mile journey: 1 Milwaukee
• 1 million microphones: 1 phone
• 1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone
• 1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
• 365.25 days: 1 unicycle
• 2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds
• 10 cards: 1 decacards
• 1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
• 1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
• 1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
• 1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
• 10 rations: 1 decoration
• 100 rations: 1 C-ration
• 2 monograms: 1 diagram
• 8 nickels: 2 paradigms
• 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
• Hospital: 1 I.V. League
• 100 Senators: Not 1 decision

• Collie x Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport for those on the go alot.
• Spitz x Chow = Spitzchow , a dog that throws up a lot (not one of the successful crosses).
• Pointer x Setter = Poinsetter, the perfect Christmas gift puppy.
• Great Pyrenees x Dachsund= Pyredachs, a most puzzling breed.
• Pekinese x Lhasa Apso = Peekassa, a creative but avante garde, abstract dog.
• Rotweiller x Rat Terrier = Ratweiler, the baddest big little dog in town.
• Labrador Retriever x Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat retriever, the obvious choice of medical types & scientists.
• Newfoundland x Basset Hound = Newfound Asset hounds, a wise investment for financial advisors.
• Terrier x Bulldog = Terribull , a dog that makes some awful choices (another failed experiment).
• Bloodhound x Labrador = Blabador, a dog that bark a lot...not for apartment dwellers.
• Malamute x Pointer = Mootpoint.
• Collie x Malamute = Commute, a dog that will take you to work the old fashioned way...Mush.
• Deerhound x Terrier = Derriere, this one is loyal to the end.
• Borzoi x Dachsund = Bordasher, the latest craze in ski-slope companions.
• And lastly: Schnauzer x Australian Shepherd= Natural affinity for beer, charming - knows how to work a crowd and has a great accent.

• The London Financial Time is read by the people who run the world.
• The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
• The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
• The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country.
• USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't understand the Washington Post.
• The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time.
• The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
• The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country.
• The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something scandalous.
• The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it.
• The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country.

• When you are sad . . . I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum sucking weasel who made you sad.
• When you are scared . . . I will laugh at you and tease you about it every chance I get.
• When you are worried, . . . I will tell you how much worse it could be and to quit complaining.
• When you are confused . . . I will use little words to explain it to you.
• When you are lost . . . I will answer my cell phone and give you directions.
• When you are sick . . . I will hold your hair while you pay homage to the porcelain
• god.
• And when you fall . . . I will point and laugh at you.

This is my oath . . . I pledge till the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my friend. And the whole reason people have friends is to have fun.

Then: Long hair.
Now: Longing for hair.

Then: The perfect high.
Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund.

Then: Keg.
Now: EKG.

Then: Acid Rock.
Now: Acid reflux.

Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's warm.

Then: Growing pot.
Now: Growing pot belly.

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or ElizabethTaylor.

Then: Seeds and stems.
Now: Roughage.

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
Now: Popping joints.

Then: The president's struggle with Fidel.
Now: The president's struggle with fidelity.

Then: Killer weed.
Now: Weed killer.

Then: Hoping for a BMW.
Now: Hoping for a BM.

Then: The Grateful Dead.
Now: Dr. Kevorkian.

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.

Then: Rolling Stones.
Now: Kidney stones.

Then: Being called into the principal's office.
Now: Calling the principal's office.

Then: Screw the system!
Now: Upgrade the system.

Then: Peace sign.
Now: Mercedes logo.

Then: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
Now: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

Then: Take acid.
Now: Take antacid.

Then: Passing the driver's test.
Now: Passing the vision test.

Then: "Whatever"
Now: "Depends"

• Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?
• Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip?
• Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
• Does killing time damage eternity?
• Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
• Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
• Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
• Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
• Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
• Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
• Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?
• Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
• Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
• Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
• Do pilots take crash-courses?
• Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
• Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
• Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
• Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
• Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
• How can there be self-help "groups"?
• How do you get off a non-stop flight?
• How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
• How many weeks are there in a light year?
• If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing "Happy Birthday?"
• If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?
• If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
• If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
• If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
• If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
• If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl
• Scout cookies made out of?
• If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
• If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
• If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
• If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
• If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
• If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
• If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
• Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
• Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot?
• Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?
  Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

• Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.
• Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.
• Judaism - He who buys toys at the lowest price, wins.
• Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
• Anglican - They were our toys first.
• Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.
• Branch Davidians - He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
• Mormonism - Every boy may have as many toys as he wants.
• 7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
• Church of Christ - He whose toys make music, loses.
• Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
• Baptist - Once played always played.
• Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.
• Jehovah's Witnesses - He who "places" the most toys door-to-door, wins.
• Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.
• Non-denominationalism - Does it really matter where the toys came from?
• Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys.
• Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in water, it is no longer dry.
• Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second...
• Hedonsim - Hang the rule book! Let's play!
• Atheism - There is no toy maker.
• Polytheism - There are many toy makers.
• Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.
• Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.
• Baha'i - All toys are just fine with us.
• Taoism - The doll is as important as the dump truck.