• "When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."
• "H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"
• "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"
• "When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
• "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
• "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
• "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
• "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
• "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
• "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
• "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
• "A supersaturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
• "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
• "The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
• "The pistol of a flower is its only protections agents insects."
• "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
• "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
• "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
• "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
• "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
• "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
• "Liter: A nest of young puppies."
• "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
• "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
• "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
• "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
• "Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
• "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
• "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
• "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
• "For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial perspiration."
• "For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
• "For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
• "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
• "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."
• "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

• Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
• The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?
• Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
• Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
• The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
• Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
• Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
• In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.
• Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
• Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out:"Tee hee, Brutus."
• Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
• Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
• Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
• In medieval times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
• Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
• Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
• The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroicouplet.
• Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
• It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
• During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
• Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
• One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
• Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
• Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
• Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
• Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
• Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
• Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
• The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.
• The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire was in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practice virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
• The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied.

• In My Footsteps?

The answers they got were broader, and deeper, than anyone could have imagined. See what you think: "Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way."

• "When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
• "When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth."
• "Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and
  they go out and smell each other."
• "Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your french fries without making them give you any of theirs."
• "Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings."
• "Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
• "Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
• "Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss."
• "If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate."
• "Love is hugging. Love is kissing. Love is saying no."
• "When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared they won't love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only do they still love you, they love you even more."
• "Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
• "Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
• "During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
• "My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
• "Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken."
• "Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
• "Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
• "I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
• "I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her."
• "Love cards like Valentine's cards say stuff on them that we'd like to say ourselves, but we wouldn't be caught dead saying."
• "When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."
• "Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."
• "You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.

• Things I've learned from my children (Honest and No Kidding):
• A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
• If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
• A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
• If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20X20 foot room.
• You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
• The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
• When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late.
• A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
• Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.
• Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
• Super glue is forever.
• No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
• Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
• VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
• Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
• Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
• You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
• Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys donot like ovens.
• The fire department in Austin, TX, has a 5-minute response time.
• The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy and cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.