St. Peter was there, having a bad day because heaven was getting crowded. When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there would be a test to get into Heaven: They each had to answer a single question.

To the teacher, he said, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"

The teacher thought for a second, and then replied: "That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter let him through the gate.

Next, St. Peter turned to the garbage man, and figuring that heaven didn't really need all the stink that this guy would bring in, decided to make the question a little harder. "How many people died on the ship?"

The garbage man guessed 1228, to which St. Peter said, "That happens to be right. Go ahead."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "What were their names?"

... then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires". The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued ... and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable "fire", and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART ... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer 3 months to track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter): "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title.

While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented an application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter): Your letter regarding title in Case 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than in the years covered by the present application.

I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain.

The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition.

Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope to heavens you find His original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"

... They got their loan.

... when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

Why are you eating grass? he asked one man.

We don't have any money for food, the poor man replied.

Oh, well, you can come with me to my house, instructed the lawyer.

But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!

Bring them along! replied the lawyer.

He turned to the other man and said: You come with us, too.

But, sir, I have a wife and six children! the second man answered.

Bring them as well! answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says: Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied: Glad to do it. You'll love my place; the Grass is almost a foot tall!

The bartender gives him a drink and asks what the problem is. All he says is, "All lawyers are idiots."

A man sitting in the corner shouts, "I take offense to that!"

The pissed-off guy asks him, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

He replies, "No, I'm an idiot."

The small one turns to the big one and says; I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it."

"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"

"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.

"Hm. Well, where do you catch'em?"

"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."

"Same here. Hm. How do you catch'em?"

"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite'em, shake the be’jesus out of 'em, and eat'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the be’jesus out of a lawyer, there's nothing' left but lips and a briefcase..."

Suddenly, he gazes upon the most beautiful bronze statue of a siamese cat. He asks the store owner how much he wants for the statue. The store owner replies "It's $100 for the statue and $1000 for the story that goes with it." The man replies "I really don't care about the story, but I do want the statue. As the man is paying for the statue, the shop owner says "All right, but I guarantee you will be back for the story."

The man walks out of the shop and starts down the street carrying the cat statue. When he comes to the crosswalk, he happens to glance behind him and sees 3 or 4 cats sitting about 10 feet away, looking at him. He shrugs it off and crosses when the light changes. He goes several more blocks and, at another crosswalk, looks behind himself again. This time there are about 30 cats sitting there looking at him. The man starts to get a little nervous and picks up his pace when the light changes.

By the time the man reaches the pier at the end of the street, he has now been running for several blocks. He was running because every time he turned around, there were more and more cats behind him. He looked like the pied piper. When he got to the end of the pier, he turned around once more and saw at least 10,000 cats sitting there looking at him. There were so many cats that there was no way to get off the pier without going through them and he knew there was no way he was going to do that. In a panic, he turned toward the water and heaved the statue as far as he could. Amazingly, all of the cats ran right past him and jumped in the water after the statue and drowned.

The man, still shaking from his ordeal, immediately started running back to the shop. As he burst through the door, the shop owner saw him and said "I told you that you would be back for the story." The man replied "The hell with the story, do you have a statue of a lawyer!"

The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:

The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"

The witness: "Yes, sir."

The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"

The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."

The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"

The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."

The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "You do God's work. It's for free."

The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to charge him saying, "You protect the public. It's for free."

The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "You serve the justice system. It's for free."

The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut

He shot a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger so he agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick hit the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"

The old farmer grinned and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck!"

• How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.
• How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.
• How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?
• How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.
• If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
• What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.
• What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.
• What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.
• What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your honor.
• What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.
• What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality.
• What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? You can't! There are some things even a pig won't do.
• What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
• What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Removable wing tips.
• Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got first choice.