. . .. He was driving his partner nuts, as he looked up, looked down, measured the distance, figured the wind direction and speed. Finally, his exasperated partner said, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife's up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

His partner mumbled, "Forget it, man, you'll never hit her from here!"

Submitted by Crystal
 

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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
 

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. . . got into a taxi at the airport after midnight, and while enroute to his home, asked the driver if he would be a witness, as he suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act.

The driver agreed, and they both tiptoed into the bedroom, turned on the lights pulled the blanket back and found the wife in bed with another man.

The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted, "Don't do it, this man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you, who do you think paid for our new boat, he did!" The husband, looked over at the cab driver, and said, "What would you do in a case like this?"

The cabbie smiled, and said, "I'd cover him up before he catches cold."

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.
 

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Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.
 

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. . .Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.  A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man.  "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.  We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled.  My wife quietly said,   'That's once.'  We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again.  Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'  We hadn't gone a half mile when the mule stumbled a third time.  My wife promptly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot him.  I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once ...'
 

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A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him.

"What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Submitted by Peggy, Germantown, Md.
 

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Man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man anxiously says, "Yes."

"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.
 

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Three men are discussing their previous night's lovemaking.

The Italian says, "My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we make wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes."

The Frenchman says, "I smooth sweet butter on my wife's body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour."

The Jew says, "I covered my wife's body with schmaltz [chicken fat]. We made love and she screamed for six hours."

The others say, "Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?"

He shrugs. "I wiped my hands on the drapes."
 

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. . . At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying  the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring  the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the  woman is actually alive!  She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again  held and, at the end of the service, the pallbearers are again  carrying the casket.  As they are walking out, the husband shouts,
 
 "Watch out for the wall!" 
 

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. . . The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing.

One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"

"Well," Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down." The men all asked, "Is that mule for sale!?"

Submitted by Peggy, Germantown, Md.
 

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. . . While she was walking to the red tees, the husband went ahead and hit his ball.  Of course, knowing his luck, it hit her right on the back of the head and she went down.

The ambulance came and got her and took her to the hospital but it was too late.  There was nothing they could do.  After the autopsy, the doctor came and talked to the husband and said it appeared that she died from a blow to the back of the head.  He told the doctor, yes, that he had hit her with his golf ball and that was apparently what killed her.  The doctor said "Well, unbelievably enough, when I did the autopsy, we found another golf ball.  This one was lodged in her butt."

The husband said, "Yes - that was my mulligan!!"

Submitted by Tim, Ohio
 

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. . . They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him." 

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow!"

Submitted by Tim, Ohio
 

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Pat was dying. His wife, Kristi, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Kristi," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Kristi," he said in his tired voice. "I...I Have something I must confess to you."

There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Kristi. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."

No, no. I must die in peace, Kristi. I...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

I know," Kristi whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you."

Submitted by Bryan, Idaho Falls
 

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A Husband and Wife go to the hospital to deliver their child. The doctor meets them and tells them that he has a new system that will allow the father to take part or all of the mother's labor pains. They both agree and the delivery begins.

The doctor turns the dial to 10%, so that the father will take 10% of the mothers pain. The husband says he feels fine, so the doctor puts it up a notch. The husband still feels fine, so the doc puts it up to 30%. The husband still feels fine, so it goes up to 50%. He tells the doctor, "Go ahead and put it up to 100%." The husband still feels fine and the child is delivered and the wife felt virtually no pain at all.

The Doctor is amazed at the husband's pain threshold as most men would have keeled over and died at the 50% level. So, they both go back home with their child, where they find the milkman dead on their steps...
 

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Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes

Q: What is it called when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment

Q: What is it called when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up

Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same but you get the remote

Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A: Two mothers-in-law

Q: What's the difference between a terrorist and a Jewish mother?
A: You can negotiate with the terrorist

Q: A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
A: The blonde, because she's 18

Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock

Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Marriage.

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.

Q: How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.

Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q: Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A: Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.

Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q: What is a man's view of safe sex?
A: A padded headboard.

Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"

Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties

Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay

Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever

Q: Why does the bride always wear white?
A: Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side

Q: Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A: Pissing in the bath is disgusting

Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody
 

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The First Affair

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

The Second Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.

The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh my god!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The Third Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted Him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

The Fourth Affair

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy, the barman replied "Yes."

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"

"Certainly sir,"replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"4 cents", he replies.

"FOUR cents!!!!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the Guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
 

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Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover.

The first woman says, "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."

The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kind of like that."

The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."
 

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