Mitt Romney ... has been telling people he's a 'lifelong hunter,' but the truth is that he went hunting once when he was 15 years old and once last year, so by 'lifelong' he means he went twice. ... I think it's important to add, both of the times he went hunting, he shot an old man in the face ... so he's at least vice presidential material." --Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney stunned everybody by raising $23 million ... all in small donations. Apparently, he got one dollar from every Osmond." --Jay Leno

"Our official policy is to punish Syria for not renouncing terrorism. Hey, maybe the visit from Nancy Pelosi was probably the punishment." --Jay Leno

"The 15 British hostages ... say they were well-treated and not tortured. The hostages said, 'Not once were we forced to eat British food.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Tom Tancredo has thrown his hat into the presidential ring ... after talking it over with his family. But even members of his own family were goin', 'Who are you again?'" --Jay Leno

"Rudy Giuliani says the press can attack him all they want, but they should lay off his wife. Giuliani added, 'I just mean this wife. It's open season on the first two.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Health officials are now warning that prescription sleeping pills can cause something called 'sleep driving.' It causes people to get up in the middle of the night, drive somewhere, and have no memory of where they went or what they did. To which Bill told Hillary, 'See!'" --Jay Leno

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"Bush visited Walter Reed today. When you've got a problem like Walter Reed that needs solving, what better sight than to see George Bush walk through the door? ... He's created so many disasters, I'm not sure he knows which is which anymore. He walked into Walter Reed, and he said he wanted to have it ready for next year's Mardi Gras." --Bill Maher

"Sunday is April Fools' Day. Earlier today, a confused President Bush went around the White House hiding colored eggs." --David Letterman

"We're now finding out where all the candidates met their spouses. Barack Obama met his wife at a law firm. John McCain met his wife at a Naval officers' dance. And Rudy Giuliani met his third wife when he was cheating on his first wife with his second wife." --Jay Leno

"The president got up there and did a little routine. 'Cause times are funny. He did his famous Patriot Act knock-knock joke. There's no knocking. They just break in." --Bill Maher

"The U.N. Security Council expressed concern over Iran capturing those 15 British soldiers. Concerned? With the U.N. involved, this could escalate from concerned to severely frowned upon." --Jay Leno

"On Saturday ... Al Gore will be 59 years old. He'll have a cake with 59 candles. 59 candles? Well, hell, there's your global warming right there." --David Letterman

"We have a lot of problems over there in the Middle East. Iran is not giving back those British sailors that they snatched from the Persian Gulf. They released a new video today. It's kind of grainy and hard to make out what's going on. But it has British people in it, so it's up for six Oscars." --Bill Maher

"Actor and former U.S. Senator Fred Thompson, the guy from "Law and Order," ... is thinking of running. He's only been married twice. By Republican standards, that would make him the family values candidate." --Jay Leno

"None of this has stopped the merriment in Washington. They had the Radio and TV Correspondents' Dinner the other night. That's where the president meets the reporters. He said it's nice to finally put the faces with the leaks." --Bill Maher

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"Turns out Rudy Giuliani's wife forgot one marriage. Originally, she said she was married twice before. Now it turns out she was actually married three times. But she said she never talks about the first marriage. Hey, neither does Bill Clinton." --Jay Leno

"The liberal assault on our president continues, folks. Yesterday the Democrats pulled out their most underhanded weapon yet -- Republicans. ... Senator Hagel wasted no time in mavericking the president [on screen: Hagel criticizing Bush and saying the U.S. is not a monarchy]. Of course it's not a monarchy. What an outrageous thing to say. The president should confiscate Hagel's land and revoke his privilege." --Stephen Colbert

"According to the latest census survey, the number of people without health insurance has dropped by two million. Duh, they're dead because they didn't have health insurance." --Jay Leno

"Did you see this today about Barack Obama? Genealogy research has revealed that Obama's great-great-grandfather was born in Ireland. Oh great, now he won't be Irish enough for people." --Bill Maher

"In his new tell-all book, Republican former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay said he partied too much, drank too much, and slept with too many women he wasn't married to. You know what the Republicans call a guy like that? A Democrat." --Jay Leno

"I give credit where credit is due. Finally, someone from the Bush family has enlisted. George Prescott Bush, the president's nephew, has enlisted in the Navy. The Navy is a tradition in the Bush family. The first president Bush was a Navy pilot. The current President Bush spends money like a drunken sailor." --Bill Maher

"According to the L.A. Times, insurgents in Iraq are targeting educated people like professors and librarians. ... If the intelligent are targeted and killed, then the only ones left to lead the country will be the ignorant. So, at least they are getting closer to an American-style democracy." --Jay Leno

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"Scooter Libby was found guilt of perjury, obstruction, and making false statements -- or, as the White House calls it, a press conference." --Bill Maher

"Yesterday, I. Lewis Libby, a.k.a. 'The Scooter', the vice president's chief of staff found guilty on four of five counts ranging from obstruction of justice to lying to a grand jury. Yes, we got the guy -- the one-man cancer on this White House has been removed." --Jon Stewart

"There's a bipartisan commission now who's looking into what's going on at Walter Reed. They're about to make recommendations about the conditions there. The conditions? It's a Taco Bell franchise. There's mold and rats. Recommendations? How about a bucket and mop?" --Bill Maher

"Another horrible day for the stock market. It went down another 100 points. In fact, the only company to make money was the Tennessee power company that sells electricity to Al Gore." --Jay Leno

"The other day an American Airlines employee tried to let former Vice President Al Gore bypass airport security, but guards stopped Gore and made him go through the metal detector. The head of security said, 'We had to search Al Gore. He could have been armed with a speech.'" --Conan O'Brien

"While he was there, Bush did an interview with the Brazilian press and he said the most difficult decision a president could ever make is sending troops into harm's way. But enough about Walter Reed." --Bill Maher
 

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"It's March Madness. I know people go crazy for this. ... It's the time of year when college basketball teams are eliminated faster than U.S. attorneys." --Bill Maher

"In a stunning new poll in Time magazine, Hillary Clinton's lead has dropped from 19 points over Barack Obama to just seven points. She's now blaming it on a vast left-wing conspiracy." --Jay Leno

"According to a transcript of a U.S. military tribunal released Wednesday, Khalid Shaikh Mohammed admitted to planning the 9/11 attack, saying, 'I was responsible for the 9/11 operation from A to Z.' He then politely asked the interviewer to kindly remove the curling iron from his butt." --Seth Meyers

"There's a new book coming out about Bill Clinton ... and it says Bill Clinton has had a number of one-night stands in Ireland, France, Taiwan, Rio and London. He flies overseas to have sex. That shows how times have changed. Remember the old days? He didn't even have to leave his desk." --Jay Leno

"Military contractor Halliburton announced this week that it is moving its corporate headquarters from Houston, Texas, to Dubai. A Halliburton spokesman said Dubai was chosen because of its convenient location just outside the long arm of the law." --Amy Poehler

"The big rumor is that Newt Gingrich may run for president. Newt Gingrich has the best reason to stay out of the Mid East -- he knows they stone adulterers." --Jay Leno

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"Big news from the 2008 presidential campaign. Last night, Senator John McCain -- right here on this program -- announced he's running for president. And then today, he shaved his head and checked into rehab." --David Letterman

"And tomorrow night, here on the 'Late Show', Al Gore will announce he's going on the South Beach diet." --David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton's campaign is bragging that Hillary has raised over $1 million on the Internet. In a related story, Bill Clinton is bragging that he has spent more than one million dollars on the Internet" --Conan O'Brien

"Kind of an embarrassing situation for Al Gore with his whole global warming thing. Turns out his Tennessee home has been using 20 times the energy as the average household. To be fair, it is still not as much energy as John Edwards' blow-dryer is using." --Jay Leno

"A new poll finds that President Bush's father, George Bush, is the most popular living ex-president. Apparently, voters were just excited to hear the words 'George Bush' next to the phrase 'ex-president.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The state Senate in Florida wants to outlaw the term 'illegal alien' because it is insensitive. They want to go with a more politically correct term, like 'Wal-Martian." --Jay Leno

"It's March 1st. Black History Month is officially over. But did you know that black history continues ... almost all the time. Take the story of one Reverend Al Sharpton -- Democrat, one-time presidential candidate and outspoken leader on civil rights. Funny story. Some genealogist is looking into his background and ... you're not going to believe this. It turns out his great grandfather had been enslaved by a relative of late South Carolina Senator and famed segregationist Strom Thurmond. Only in America. I mean, seriously, it only could have happened in America." --Jon Stewart

"James Cameron, film director, claims he has discovered the tomb of Christ. I just hope this doesn't lead to a court battle in Florida. ... Who would have guessed they found Jesus before bin Laden?" --David Letterman

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"In the latest count, there are now 25 politicians running for president -- and 15 of them also claim to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby." -- Jay Leno

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"Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is now in Iraq. She made a surprise visit to Iraq. Well, you thought Bush wanted to bomb the place before. ... She didn't say how long she'd be staying in Iraq. President Bush said he was against setting any timetables for Pelosi to return. He said to bring her back prematurely would send the wrong message." --Jay Leno

"Senator John Kerry went to the floor to make what he called an 'important and urgent announcement' [on screen: Kerry talking about a variety of things and concluding that he will not run for WH '08]. Unfortunately, this is another example of sloppy journalism. The media said this is Kerry announcing he will not run in 2008. In fact, this was Kerry simply completing his concession speech from 2004" --Jon Stewart

"In his State of the Union address, President Bush said our economy is on the move. It's moving to India, but hey." --Jay Leno

"John Kerry announced yesterday that he will not run for president in 2008, which leaves only several hundred Democratic candidates for president." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards -- you know, the man who always says there are two Americas -- is moving into a brand new, $6 million, 28,000-square foot home on 102 acres. Well, I think we know which America he's living in." --Jay Leno

"The president proposes a drastic measure [on screen: Bush proposing a special advisory council on the war on terror comprised of 'leaders in Congress from both political parties']. What? Both parties in an advisory role? I think they already have something like that. I think it's called Congress." --Jon Stewart

"Political experts say that Barack Obama drew record crowds in New Hampshire. Well sure, it's New Hampshire. They've never seen a black guy before." --Jay Leno

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"Senator Joseph Lieberman said Tuesday that Congress should consider war on terrorism taxes. Or, as they are currently known, taxes." --Seth Meyers

"Justice Department officials have determined that a president of the United States does have the legal authority to have someone killed ... in the United States. And today, Bill Clinton withdrew his support for Hillary." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, Senator Barack Obama announced his candidacy for president. Upon hearing the news, Hillary Clinton punched a pillow so hard it turned into a diamond." --Amy Poehler

"Famous designer Donatella Versace has recommended that Hillary Clinton stop wearing those pant suits and start wearing dresses and skirts. Versace said Hillary should treat femininity as an opportunity. You know, the way Bill does." --Jay Leno

"The rumor in Hollywood right now is that Al Gore may announce he's running for president during a speech at the Academy Awards. That's right folks, they found a way to make Oscar speeches even more boring." --Conan O'Brien

"This Sunday, February 11th, is a very important day in our nation's history. It is the one-year anniversary of Dick Cheney shooting an old man in the face. It is widely regarded as the greatest comedy event of the century. The AARP is using the occasion to remind seniors not to go hunting with the vice president. ... It could turn out to be the least damaging thing the Bush administration ever does." --Jimmy Kimmel

"We're learning more and more about that crazy astronaut. ... She told the police that she was involved with another astronaut and that it was more than a working relationship, but less than a romantic relationship. Or, as the Clintons call it, 'marriage.'" --Jay Leno

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"The good news is last night President Bush finally admitted he's made mistakes in Iraq. The bad news is he's planning to make the same mistakes again." --Jay Leno

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"Momentum continues for Barack Obama's campaign. Actually, do you know what Barack Obama's middle name is? Hussein. Could've been worse. Could've been Kerry." --Jay Leno

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"This week a top general at the Pentagon said the War on Terror could take a 100 years to fight. President Bush was furious about the 100-year prediction and said, 'Stop setting a fixed timetable'" --Conan O'Brien

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