• The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
• The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
• Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.
• The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
• The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
• Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
• Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
• David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the
• Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
• Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
• Jesus was born because Mary had immaculate contraption.
• Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
• It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
• The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
• St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, this horse -- a very long shot--won the race. Mitchell was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed his blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and won! Mitch was elated.

As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM and withdrew every penny he owned, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to place the bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.

Mitch placed his bet -- every cent he owned -- and watched the horse come in dead last. Mitchell was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you bless a horse and he loses. Now I've lost my life savings, thanks to you!!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants...you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."

. . ., so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things, trying them out.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'Hot Dang! So What happened next?'"

All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.

The next day, as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10."

You all are probably laughing now, but since I skipped too many religious classes: Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."

Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

. . . and the older one said to the younger, "You know, when you came into church with all your new ideas, I had questions about how you were going to fit in and how well your ideas were going to work."

"When you wanted to put bucket seats down in the front two rows of seats, I had my doubts. But now, at every mass, the seats are filled up with young people, so I have to agree that it was a good idea."

"Then, when you wanted to "jazz" up the choir and we started singing newer, peppier songs, I was afraid it would offend the parishioners. Now, we have a lot of new, younger choir members, and the music seems to pick up the services a lot more than the old

music. So, once again I have to agree that you were right!"

"But when you wanted to put in the drive-through confessional, I have to admit I thought you'd lost it. But now, at least, there are more people coming to confession than ever. I think you've come up with another good idea."

"However, the neon sign out front that says "Toot 'n tell or go to hell" has to go!

"I could eat," Mother Teresa replies. So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it.

While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries and fine wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, Mother Teresa remains quiet.

The next day God again invites Mother Teresa to join him for a meal. Again, it is tuna and rye bread. Once again looking down, Mother Teresa can see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates. Still Mother Teresa says nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened. Mother Teresa can contain herself no longer.

Meekly, she says: "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! Forgive me, O God, but I just don't understand..."

All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.

The next day, as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10."

You all are probably laughing now, but since I skipped too many religious classes: Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."

Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

"HELP! IS THERE ANYBODY UP THERE?" he shouted.

A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:

"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."

"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.

"Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.

There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "IS THERE ANYONE ELSE UP THERE I COULD TALK TO?"

He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying.

He asks, "What's wrong?"

"The word is 'Celebrate.' Celebrate!'" says the old monk.

There are three religious truths:

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooter's.

• The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
• Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
• The pastor would appreciate it
  if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
• Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
• The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
• A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
• Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
• The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of
  David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.
• Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
• Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
• Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
• The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

• Amen: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
• Bulletin:
  • Parish information read only during the homily/sermon.
  • 2. Catholic air conditioning.
  • 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
• Choir: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Congregation to lip-sync.
• Holy Water: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
• Hymn: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
• Recessional Hymn: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
• Incense: Holy Smoke!
• Jesuits: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
• Jonah: The original "Jaws" story.
• Justice: When kids have kids of their own.
• Kyrie Elieison: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
• Magi: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
• Manger:
  • 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO.
  • 2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
• Pew: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.
• Procession: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
• Recessional: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
• Relics: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
• Ten Commandments: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
• Ushers: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

. . . with a dog he doted on. The dog died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, the dog is dead. Could you be saying a Mass for the creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road -- no telling what they believe, so maybe they'll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. Do you think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"