1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages car-pooling.
9. Increase job satisfaction because, if you have a bad job, you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas. 
18. Everyone agrees work is better after they've had a couple of drinks.
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

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• ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.
• BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
• SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.
• SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream, only to get screwed and die in the end.
• CHAINSAW CONSULTANT - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.
• CLM - Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
• ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
• DILBERTED - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
• FLIGHT RISK - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
• 4%4 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "4%4 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. Used as in: "Don't bother asking him ... he's 4%4, man."
• GENERICA - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same, no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in: "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."
• OHNO-SECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
• PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
• UMFRIEND - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dyan, my ... um ... friend."
• BODY NAZIS - Hard-core exercise and weightlifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
• CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles.
• PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
• IDEA HAMSTERS - People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
• MOUSE POTATO - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the Couch Potato.
• SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
• STARTER MARRIAGE - A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets
• STRESS PUPPY - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
• SWIPED OUT - An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
• TOURISTS - People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. Example: "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
• TREEWARE - Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
• XEROX SUBSIDY - Euphemism for availing oneself of free photocopies from one's workplace.
• GOING POSTAL - Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.
• ALPHA GEEK - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.
• CHIPS AND SALSA - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. i.e.: "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."
• G.O.O.D. Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
• IRRITAINMENT - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a
  prime example.
• DEINSTALLED - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of a deinstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. " (See also, "Decruitment.")
• YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We owe $8 each, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."

Submitted by Tim, Ohio

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10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot..."

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...

1. " .....Amen."

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In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective immediately, a Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees.

Under the policy a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given twenty Restroom Trip Credits. These credits may be accumulated.

Within four to six weeks, the entrance doors to all restrooms are being equipped with personal identification stations and computer-linked voice print recognition devices. Before the end of the month each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to the Human Resources Department. The voice print recognition station will be operational but not restrictive during the entire month. Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during that period.

If the employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month. In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty-seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If the stall remains occupied, your picture will be taken.

The picture will then be posted on the bulletin board located in the Employee Relations Office. Anyone's picture showing up three times will immediately be terminated. If you have any questions about this policy, please ask your supervisor. They have all received advanced instructions.

Submitted by Mike Karol, Denver Colorado

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These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation.

• "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig."
• "His men would follow him anywhere, ....... but only out of morbid curiosity."
• "I would not allow this employee to breed."
• "This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'."
• "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
• "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
• "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
• "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
• "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
• "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
• "This employee should go far, ..... and the sooner he starts, the better."
• "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."
• "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
• "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
• "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
• "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
• "He's been working with glue too much."
• "He would argue with a signpost."
• "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
• "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
• "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
• "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
• "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
• "A prime candidate for natural deselection."
• "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
• "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
• "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
• "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
• "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
• "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
• "It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg."
• "One neuron short of a synapse."
• "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge;..... he only gargled."
• "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
• "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

Submitted by Mike Karol, Denver Colorado

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• I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
• How about never? Is never good for you?
• I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
• I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
• I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
• I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message ...
• I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
• It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
• I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
• I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
• You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
• I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
• I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
• I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
• Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
• The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
• Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
• What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
• I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
• It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
• Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
• No, my powers can only be used for good.
• You sound reasonable ... Time to up the medication.
• Who me? I just wander from room to room

Submitted by Mike, Denver Colorado
 

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I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.

• I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.
• I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.
• I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
• I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.
• I want to return to a time when life was simple; When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
• All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.
• I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.
• I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.
• I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.
• I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So .. . . here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 4%1K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood.

And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause........ ......"Tag! You're it."
 

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• In the beginning, there was The Plan.
• And then came The Assumptions.
• And The Assumptions were without form.
• And The Plan was without substance.
• And darkness was upon the face of The Workers.
• And The Workers spoke amongst themselves, saying "This is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."
• And The Workers went unto their Supervisors and said "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell."
• And The Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide it."
• And The Managers went unto their Directors, saying "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
• And The Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
• And The Directors went unto The Vice Presidents, saying "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
• And The Vice Presidents went to The President, saying "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects."
• And The President looked upon The Plan and saw that it was good.
• And The Plan became Policy.
• And that, my friends, is how things happens.

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