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How to Interpret Employment Ads
- "Competitive Salary" - We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
- "Join Our Fast Paced Company" - We have no time to train you.
- "Casual Work Atmosphere" -We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up.
- "Must be Deadline Oriented" - You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.
- "Duties will Vary" - Anyone in the office can boss you around.
- "Must have an Eye for Detail" -We have no quality control.
- "Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience" -You will need to replace three people who just left.
- "Problem Solving Skills a Must" - You are walking into a company in perpetual chaos. Haven't heard a word from anyone out there. Your first task is to find out what
is going on.
- "Requires Team Leadership Skills" -You will have the responsibilities of a manager without the pay or respect.
- "Good Communication Skills" - Management communicates poorly, so you have to figure out what they want and do it.
Submitted by Rick, Baton Rouge, La.
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"Working Where the Sun Don't Shine" Written by the Canadian duo Bowser
and Blue
We praise the colorectal surgeon
Misunderstood and much maligned
Slaving away in the heart of darkness
Working where the sun don't shine
Respect the colorectal surgeon
It's a calling few would crave
Lift up your hands and join us
Let's all do the finger wave
When it comes to spreading joy
There are many techniques
Some spread joy to the world
And others just spread cheeks
Some may think the cardiologist Is their best friend
But the colorectal surgeon knows... He'll get you in the end!
Why the colorectal surgeon?
It's one of those mysterious things.
Is it because in that profession
There are always openings?
When I first met a colorectal surgeon
He did not quite understand;
I said, "Hey nice to meet you
But do you mind? We don't shake hands."
He sailed right through medical school
Because he was a whiz
Oh but he never thought of psychology
Though he read passages
A doctor he wanted to be
For golf he loved to play
But this is not quite what he meant...
By eighteen holes a day!
Praise the colorectal surgeon
Misunderstood and much maligned
Slaving away in the heart of darkness
Working where the sun don't shine!
Download video of Bowser and Blue singing this song
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The real uses for common auto shop tools ...
- Hammer: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the
object we are trying to hit.
- Mechanic's Knife: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing
convertible tops or tonneau covers.
- Electric Hand Drill: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes
in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.
- Pliers: Used to round off bolt heads.
- Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you
attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
- Vis-grips: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
- Oxyacetylene Torch: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer because you can never
remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got.
- Zippo Lighter: See oxyacetylene torch.
- Whitworth Sockets: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who
would throw them away for no good reason.
- Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer
across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.
- Wire Whell: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned
guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt".
- Hydraulic Floor Jack: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trappng the jack handle
firmly under the front air dam.
- Tweezers: A tool for removing wood splinters.
- Phone: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
- Snap-On-Gasket Scrapper: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
- E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
- Timing Light: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.
- Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Life: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
- Craftsman 1/2 x 16-Inch Screwdriver: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
- Battery Electrolyte Tester: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead
as a doornail, just as you thought.
- Tin Snips: See hacksaw.
- Trouble Light: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise
found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first
few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
- Phillips Screwdriver: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to
round off Phillips screw heads.
- Air Compressors: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a
Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.
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Things to do at a meeting take 3
- Lapse into a staring coma. Drool. Have a confederate wipe the spit from your lips, and say 'It's pitiful. But what can you do?'
- At opportune times, stick an inhaler in your ear. Inhale deeply. Ask your neighbor, nearer the speaker, to trade places with you 'so you can hear better.' Gradually
work your way up to the speaker.
- When you are as close as possible, stare up at them adoringly.
- Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly
crazy and everybody knows it.
- Wear shades and carry a walkie-talkie with an earphone. Once in a while, quietly say a few words into it.
- Bring a doughnut cushion and use it. If anybody asks, say that your hemorrhoids are really acting up this week. Offer to share it if they really need it. Be
embarrassingly persistent in your offer. Offer to show them how bad they are.
- Wear brightly-colored earmuffs. Explain that 'my ears tend to get real cold at these meetings.' Ask the speaker to please talk a little louder.
- Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect.
- Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say 'uh-huh,
uh-huh!'
- Bring a few telephone books. Add a few to sit on, adjusting your seat height until the top of your head is exactly one-half inch higher than the speaker's. Explain
that you sometimes have trouble seeing the presentation.
- Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave
the room.
- When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, 'Well, here's the way I see it, J.B...'
(or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss's.)
Submitted by Mike, Bolder, Co.
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Things to do in an Office Meeting take 2
- Remove your shoes and socks. Lay your socks on the table, turn each one inside out, and inspect them carefully. If anyone says anything, tell them 'doctor's orders.'
- Roll your eyes at almost everything the boss says. If addressed directly, adopt a cowering posture and stammer pitifully as you reply. Ask that he or she 'not hurt
you anymore.'
- Bring a huge jar of Vaseline to the meeting. Display it prominently.
- Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.
- Every so often, duck under the table. Stare in horror. Pop back up and look real scared.
- Rubberneck at the notes of the person next to you. Copy them word for word. Subvocalize as you do.
- Tell them that they 'understand these things better than you do.'
- Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.
- Make all the stereotyped facial expressions to indicate that you are a psychiatrist administering psychoanalysis to the speaker. Take notes furiously.
- Bring a pitcher of non-alcoholic beer to the meeting. As the meeting progresses, start slurring your speech.
- Belch loudly. Tell your co-workers you can't help it.
- Start crying.
- Have a timer that buzzes at intervals. When it goes off, take a pill from a pill case and gulp it down. If anyone asks, tell them it's to 'prevent the seizures.'
- Lapse into a staring coma. Drool. Have a confederate wipe the spit from your lips, and say 'It's pitiful. But what can you do?'
- At opportune times, stick an inhaler in your ear. Inhale deeply. Ask your neighbor, nearer the speaker, to trade places with you 'so you can hear better.' Gradually
work your way up to the speaker.
- When you are as close as possible, stare up at them adoringly.
- Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly
crazy and everybody knows it.
- Wear shades and carry a walkie-talkie with an earphone. Once in a while, quietly say a few words into it.
- Bring a doughnut cushion and use it. If anybody asks, say that your hemorrhoids are really acting up
- this week. Offer to share it if they really need it. Be embarrassingly persistent in your offer. Offer to show them how bad they are.
- Wear brightly-colored earmuffs. Explain that 'my ears tend to get real cold at these meetings.' Ask the speaker to please talk a little louder.
- Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes
a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say 'uh-huh, uh-huh!'
- Bring a few telephone books. Add a few to sit on, adjusting your seat height until the top of your head is exactly one-half inch higher than the speaker's. Explain
that you sometimes have trouble seeing the presentation.
- Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave
the room.
- When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, 'Well, here's the way I see it, J.B...' (or
any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss's.)
Submitted by Mike, Bolder, Co.
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Things to do in an Office Meeting take 1
- Take notes in finger paint.
- At sensitive moments, blow your nose raucously. Apologize for your sinus condition.
- Laugh uproariously at a quip that was made 2 or 3 minutes ago. Say, 'Oh, now I get it!'
- Wear a disposable paper face mask. Tell the group: 'Hey, you don't want to catch what I've got!'
- Check your watch very regularly, every 30 seconds or so.
- Make a face like somebody beside you farted.
- Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the _real_ reason this meeting has been called.
- Slowly slump in your seat. When you are about to fall off the chair, suddenly straighten up. Apologize profusely.
- Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.
- Bring a noisy electric pencil sharpener. Sharpen your pencil every few minutes.
- Complain loudly that your neighbor won't stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.
- Have someone deliver a large cardboard box to you in the conference room. Apologize while you sign for it.
- About half an hour later, have a different person deliver another one.
Submitted by Mike, Bolder, Co. |
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