Those who don't know are also in two groups.

One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can learn!

But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they don't know. And they become  managers!

• A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
• Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
• You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
• When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
• Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
• To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
• There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
• If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
• When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
• The longer the title, the less important the job.
• Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

Rossi looks at Abe's resume and notices that Abe has never worked in retail before.

Rossi says to Abe, "What chutzpah, if you don't mind me saying. For someone with no retail experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary."

"Well I suppose I am," Abe replies, "but you must understand that the work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing."

• In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so.
• Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of most harm.
• In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from engineering handbooks) are to be treated as variables.
• The best approximation of service conditions in the laboratory will not begin to meet those conditions encountered in actual service.
• The most vital dimension on any plan drawing stands the most chance of being omitted.
• If only one bid can be secured on any project, the price will be unreasonable.
• If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent production units will malfunction.
• All delivery promises must be multiplied by a factor of 2.0.
• Major changes in construction will always be requested after fabrication is nearly complete.
• Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
• Interchangeable parts won't.
• Manufacturer's specifications of performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.5.
• Salespeople's claims for performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.25.
• Installation and Operating Instructions shipped with the device will be promptly discarded by the Receiving Department.
• Any device requiring service or adjustment will be the least accessible.
• Service conditions as given on specifications will be exceeded.
• If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault.
• Identical units which test in an identical fashion will not behave in an identical fashion in the field.
• If, in engineering practice, a safety factor is sent through the service experience at an ultimate value, an ingenious idiot will promptly calculate a method to exceed said safety factor.
• Warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice.
• The rule for engineers: "Change the data to fit the curve."

• "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
• "Did you Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
• "Can you hear me NOW?"
• "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? ARE WE THERE YET ?"
• "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
• "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
• "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
• "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
• "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
• "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
• "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

And the best one of all…

• "Could you write a note for my wife saying that you didn't find my head up there?"

And a special edition ... Click here to download the colonoscopy song!

Week 3 - Memo No. 2: Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.

Week 6 - Memo No. 3 : Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

Week 8 - Memo No. 4: A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory.

Week 9 - Memo No. 5: As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.

Week 14 - Memo No. 6: The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards." A copy has been distributed to every employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.

Week 18 - Memo No. 7: Our Employee Assistant Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide support for psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day.

Week 20 - Memo No. 8: Due to budget cuts in the HR Department we are no longer able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued, effective immediately.

You've worked hard on your resume, trying to squeeze all your experience in and make yourself stand out from the crowd, and chances are you've done a pretty good job. But even if your resume isn't perfect, it's unlikely to include any real howlers.

Not everybody can say that. Job site CareerBuilders.com recently asked pollsters Harris Interactive to survey hiring managers and find out the wackiest resume items they've seen lately. Out of 2,627 responses, here are the top ten:

A job candidate...

1. ... attached a letter from her mother.
2. ... used pale blue paper with teddy bears printed around the border.
3. .. explained a three-month gap in employment by saying that he was getting over the death of his cat.
4. ... specified that his availability to work Fridays, Saturdays, or Sundays is limited because the weekends are "drinking time."
5. ... included a picture of herself in a cheerleading uniform.
6. ... drew a picture of a car on the outside of the envelope and said the car would be a gift to the hiring manager.
7. ... listed hobbies that included sitting on a levee at night watching alligators.
8. ... mentioned the fact that her sister had once won a strawberry-eating contest.
9. ... stated that he works well in the nude.
10. ... explained an arrest record by stating, "We stole a pig, but it was a really small pig."

• A guy with your IQ should have a low voice too!
• I've only got one nerve left, and you're getting on it.
• I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!
• Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know you've got a palm.
• Make a mental note . . . oh, I see you're out of paper!
• Make somebody happy. Mind your own business.
• Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?
• Are you brain-dead?
• Are your parents siblings?
• As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

• Being told to "Think Outside the Box" when I'm in the darn box all day!
• Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me.
• Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gun fire.
• That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.
• Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
• My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.
• 23 power cords, 1 outlet.
• Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.
• When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.
• Can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.
• If you talk to yourself it causes all the surrounding cubicle inhabitants to pop their heads over the wall and say "What? I didn't hear you."
• If your boss calls you and aske you to come into his office for a minute the walk there is like a funeral march... people hand you tissues as you pass and refuse to make eye contact.
• You always have the feeling that someone is watching you, but by the time you turn to look they're gone.

• If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
• A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
• Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
• It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
• After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
• You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
• Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
• When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
• If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
• There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
• Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
• Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
• Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
• To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
• Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
• Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
• If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
• You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
• People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
• If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
• At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
• When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
• Following the rules will not get the job done.
• Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
• When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
• No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
• The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

• Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
   
• Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
   
• A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
   
• A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
   
• One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
   
• While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"