• I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
• I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Safeway.
• Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Broncos, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
• I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
• My stigmata is acting up.
• I can't come in to work today because I will be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
• I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet.

• Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
• Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs.
• Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
• UmFriend: A personal relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dylan, my ... um ... friend."
• Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice-mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an Uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. *(Syn: decruitment.)
• Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
• Yuppie Food Stamps: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after lunch, "We each owe $8, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."
• 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him; He's 404, man

In its place was a silver screw. All the Doctors told his mother that there was nothing that they could do.

Like it or not, he was stuck with it . . . He was screwed.

All the years of growing up were real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided leaving his house . . . And thus, never made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a monk in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day, he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The monk knew exactly why he had come. The screwy guy was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed. The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep.

During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window. In the mist floated a solid silver screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.

The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there! Jubilant, he leaped out of bed .. . . . And his butt fell off.

The moral to this is: 'Don't screw around with things you don't understand -- You could lose your ass.'

Shortly thereafter God was in receipt of a notice to show cause why he shouldn’t be cited for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary planning permit for the project, but was stymied by a Cease and Desist Order for the earthly part.

At the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, "Let there be light."

Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would it require strip mining? What about thermal pollution?

God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire, and provisional approval was granted with the proviso that no smoke would result.

The authorities demanded the issuance of a building permit, and (to conserve energy) required that the light be left off half the time. God agreed, saying he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were only interested in protecting the environment, not in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed."

The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.

Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth."

Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything went along smoothly until God declared that he intended to complete the project in six days.

Officials informed God it would take at least 200 days to review his many waiver applications and environmental impact statements. After that there would have to be a public hearing, and then there would be a 10-12 month probationary period before….

At this point, God created Hell.

• you refer to your child as Deduction 214.
• you deduct Exlax as "Moving expenses".
• you have no idea that GAP is also a clothing store.
• at the movie "Indecent Proposal" you did a NPV calculation.
• getting to sleep is an exciting event that you look forward to all day long.
• your idea of trashing your hotel room is refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
• you are doing it now because you checked the file and found that you did it last year.
• you decide to change your name to a symbol and you choose the double underline "==="

The first stop was hell, where she saw rows and rows of writers sitting chained to desks, in a room as hot as a thousand suns. Fire licked the writers' fingers as they tried to work; demons whipped their backs with chains. Your typical hell scene.

"Wow, this is awful," said the writer., appalled "Let's see some heaven."

In a moment, they were whisked to heaven and the writer saw rows and rows of writers chained to desks, in a room as hot as a thousand suns. Fire licked the writers' fingers as they tried to work; demons whipped their backs with chains. It looked and smelled even worse than hell.

"What gives, Pete?" the writer asked. "This is worse than hell!"

"Yes," St. Peter replied, "but here your work gets published."

• When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
• You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
• Your biggest loss from a system crash is you lose your best jokes.
• Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
• You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
• It no longer amazes you that computer security is more important than having computers.
• Your office computer was just upgraded to a 200 MHz Pentium this year.
• Computer specialists know less about computers than your teenager.
• Lunch is like another scheduled meeting, only shorter.
• You and your coequals always consume the free food left over from VIP meetings.
• It's dark when you drive to and from work.
• You're forced to park your car a mile from the office because of all the commanders, customers, designated contractor, VIP's, employees of the month/quarter/year and visitor, parking spaces by the main entrance.

• Everyone is excited about purchasing a used fax machine.
• Operators still have a patch-cord switchboard and they take messages by hand using "While You Were Out" pads.
• Everyone in accounting uses 10-key adding machines.
• The free cafeteria serves Coca-Cola in antique 6-1/2 ounce bottles.
• Quotations are only mailed to customers.
• The have pension plans, full health insurance benefits, and profit sharing that is 100% vested to every employee
• The firm has a nice Christmas party and summer company picnic every year, all expenses paid.
• The salaries are paid weekly in cash in bright blue envelopes.
• The CEO is so nice, everyone calls him affectionately "The Old Man".
• Everyone passes the hat for weddings, funerals, births, and Bar Mitzvahs.
• Your pension check is paid yearly with increases matching company profits.
• Nobody in the executive office would ever think about doing something illegal, especially to his or her worthy competitors.
• There is no voice mail or automated attendants, and everyone comes in at 8 a.m. and goes home at 4 p.m.
• All of your letters are stored in handy filing cabinets that are found in the 13th floor.
• All of the bosses in the office are men. All of the women are secretaries.

• The interviewer puts sharpened pencils in both of his ears while listening to you.
• You walk into his office just when he has slammed down the phone after talking to his wife.
• As you relate your job experience, he starts sorting through his mail on his desk.
• He starts telling off-color jokes to you. If you are female, he is staring at your boobs.
• He is dressed in a golf shirt and slacks and he is holding his bag of clubs over his shoulder.
• He laughs when you tell him what salary you expect.
• He grabs your resume and runs down the hall to another office yelling, "Herb, you want to see something funny?"
• He takes your resume and immediately shoves it in the shredder.
• He opens his desk drawer and pulls out a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and begins to eat it as soon as you arrive.
• says, "This job was filled several weeks ago, and I wanted to see how you'd React--April Fools!

• At your sales meeting, everyone else gets water, you are given Ensure.
• Your desk gets moved next to the washroom door.
• Your phone is the only one in the office with a volume control.
• They assign you the "Granny" parking place.
• The younger members join the company health club, while you get to join the prescription chat room.
• The other workers laugh at you when you take a nap during lunchtime.
• The computer monitors are so bright for you that you have to wear UV sunglasses.
• Also, they take away your computer and give you a TWX machine, multikey adding machine with handle (non-electric) and an IBM Selectric Typewriter.
• They won't give you your own closet to store your walker.
• 1The bosses won't let you celebrate Grandparent's Day in the office, and a birthday cake for you is forbidden because when lit, it sets off the sprinkling units on the floor.

1. Wherever you go you're followed by a potted plant in loafers.
2. The bracelet he gave you for Christmas beeps if you leave your cubicle.
3. Office coffee has hint of hazelnut and sodium pentothal.
4. Your name: "Sam." Next to your parking spot: "Reserved for the guy following Sam."
5. Find yourself getting tasered more than with previous bosses.
6. Your new secretary looks a lot like that chick from "Alias."
7. Instead of photos of wife and kids on his desk, he has a photo of you sleeping.
8. When you're alone in the men's room, a voice tells you to quit blocking the lens.
9. Boss critical of typos in your personal e-mails.
10. The fax machine just coughed.

• Christmas parties that used to be in the Waldorf Astoria Ballroom are now in your lower boiler room.
• President of the firm keeps bringing in new vice presidents that he calls personal consultants.
• It is no longer called a company--it's now a corporation with several unnamed co-owners that nobody knows about. You think that one was on a picture in the post office.
• He brings in sales managers from other failed firms--and you think that they are going to be successful with you?
• The CFO spends less time in her office and more at Hialeah.
• The cafeteria no longer is open for breakfast and does not do lunches on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. Box lunches are Spam specials.
• Your computer is hooked up to a quarter meter bank now. A quarter is good for an hour of PC time. And your desk phone has a quarter slot in it, too.
• The guard at the door frisks everyone to make sure that they are not stealing any company pens.
• The elderly owner frisks the girls at the door when they come in because he likes to do that.
• All of your accounts are famous corporations: Tyco, Enron, Worldcom, Ames, Florsheim and Trak Auto.

• You have to fill up with gas twice on the way.
• You go through breakfast and lunch before you arrive there.
• The road that was under construction when you began the trip is finished at the end.
• You read billboards for Independence Day at the beginning, and Christmas at the end.
• You car goes over 100,000 miles--twice.
• Your children seems to have aged al lot since you saw them last.
• You come home, find that your wife has divorced you, and is already on her third marriage.
• The grass that began to grow between the cracks of the road is finally too high to see over.
• By the time you have arrived at work, they owe you for six back-paydays.
• Your new suit is already out of style by the time you arrive.

AND...

By the time you get to work, nobody remembers you.

Dress Code:

• You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
• If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
• If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
• If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

• Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
• Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
• Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

• You can talk foreign so that nobody knows how much you charge for those cigarettes.
• You can raise prices every hour and everyone blames the oil companies.
• You sell the same cookies as the big stores for the same price, but there is only one-third as many inside.
• You can sell obsolete lottery tickets but it's okay--they lose anyway.
• For a joke, you can mix a little kerosene in with the Ethyl.
• You always have the oldest dated milk in the cooler, and its the last one left, so they have to take it.
• No matter what the question is from a customer, you cannot understand it.
• You manager is always out of the office when there is to be a complaint--he's in Bombay.
• You enjoy raising the prices on the pumps when these signs outside show the old prices.
• You make sure that the receipts on the machines don't work so they have to come inside to get one and buy other items.

The Court of King George III
London, England

July 10, 1776

Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Dear Mr. Jefferson:

We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:

1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and Nature’s God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.
2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion.
3. You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.
4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that "among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years," these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.
5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?
6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.
7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States," and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?
8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators.
9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne’s War.
10. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.
11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.

We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required.

Sincerely,