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| On the very first day, God created the cow. He said to the
cow. "Today I have created you! As a cow, you must go to the field with the farmer all day long. You will work all day under the sun! I will give you a
life span of 50 years."
The Cow objected "What? This kind of tough life you want me to live for 50 years? Let me have 20 years, and the 30 years I'll give back to you."
So God agreed. On the second day, God created the dog. God said to the dog, "What
you are supposed to do is to sit all day by the door of your house. Any people that come in, you will have to bark at them! I'll give you a life span of 20 years!"
The Dog objected. "What? All day long to sit by the door? No way! I give you back my other 10 years of life!"
So God agreed. On the third day, God created the monkey. He said to the monkey, "Monkey has to entertain people. You've got to make them laugh and do monkey tricks.
I'll give you 20 years life span."
The Monkey objected. "What? Make them laugh? Do monkey faces and tricks? Ten years will do, and the other 10 years I'll give you back."
So God agreed. On the fourth day, God created man and said to him, "Your job is to sleep, eat, and play. You will enjoy very much in your life. All you need to do is to
enjoy and do nothing. This kind of life, I'll give you 20 years of life span."
The man objected. "What? Such a good life! Eat, play, sleep, do nothing? Enjoy the best and you expect me to live only for 20 years? No way, man!...... Why don't we
make a deal? Since the Cow gave you back 30 years, the Dog gave you back 10 years and the Monkey gave you back 10 years, I will take them from you! That makes my life span 70 years, right?"
So God agreed. AND THAT IS WHY..... In our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy
the best and do nothing much. For the next 30 years, we work all day long, suffer and get to support the family. For the next 10 years, we entertain our grandchildren
by making monkey faces and monkey tricks. And for the last 10 years, we stay at home, sit in front of the door and bark at people.
Submitted by Susan, Dallis, Pa.
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| Worker dead at desk for 5 days.
Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if
he was feeling okay.
George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other
workers. He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend.
His boss said "George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time
and didn't say anything. He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself."
A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary. Ironically, George was proofreading manuscripts of medical textbooks
when he died. ... You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally.
Submitted by Kate, San Francisco, Calif.
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| A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour
ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and
between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be a teacher," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am
still lost. Frankly, you haven't been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be an manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a
promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my
fault.
Submitted by Wink, New York, NY.
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The Letter of Reference we would all like to write
"To Whom It May Concern:
"Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity, in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible."
Delivered a short time later:
"That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the letter sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only every other line."
Submitted by Michael, Emmitsburg, Md.
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When you have had one of those days at work, try this:
On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers.
You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Q-tip". Be sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not
be disturbed during your therapy.
Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer, remove the thermometer, and carefully place it on the bedside
table so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that says "every rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is PERSONALLY
tested.
Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-tip company."
Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.
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| The Department of Energy Upgrades its Security at its Weapons Plants . . .
To: All staff, Los Alamos National Laboratory
From: Bill Richardson, Secretary of Energy
Dear staff members:
Due to an unfortunate over-reaction by the Republican Congress to our minor difficulties in the security area, we're being forced to tighten up just a bit. Effective
Monday:
- The brown paper bag in which we store the computer disk drives that contain the nation's nuclear secrets will no longer be left on the picnic table at the staff
commissary during lunch hour. It will be stored in "the vault." I know this is an inconvenience to many of you, but it's a sad sign of the times.
- The three-letter security code for accessing "the vault" will no longer be "B-O-B." To confuse would-be spies, that security code will be reversed. Please don't tell
anybody.
- Visiting scientists and graduate students from Libya, North Korea and mainland China will no longer be allowed to wander the hallways without proper identification.
Beginning Monday, they will be required to wear a stick-on lapel tag that clearly states, "Hello, My Name Is . . . ." The stickers will be available at the front desk.
- The computer network used for scientific calculations will no longer be hyperlinked via the Internet to such Web sites as www.swedechicks.com, or
www.hackers-r-us.com. Links to all Disney sites will be maintained, however.
- Researchers bearing a security clearance of Level 5 and higher will no longer be permitted to exchange updates on their work by posting advanced-physics formulas on
the men's room walls.
- On "Bowling Night," please check your briefcases and laptop computers at the front counter of the Bowl-a-Drome instead of leaving them in the cloakroom. Mr. Badonov,
the front-counter supervisor, has promised to "keep un eye on zem" for us.
- Staff members will no longer be allowed to take home small amounts of plutonium, iridium, or uranium for use in those "little weekend projects around the house."
That includes you parents who are helping the kids with their science fair projects.
- Thermonuclear devices may no longer be checked out for "recreational use." We've not yet decided if exceptions will be made for Halloween, the Fourth of July or New
Year's Eve. We'll keep you posted.
- Employees may no longer "borrow" the AA batteries from the burglar alarm system to power their Game Boys and compact-disc players during working hours.
- And, finally, when reporting for work each day, all employees must enter through the front door. Raoul, the janitor, will no longer admit employees who tap three
times on the side door to avoid clocking in late.
- I know this crackdown might seem punitive and oppressive to many of you, but it is our sworn duty to protect the valuable national secrets that have been entrusted
to our care. Remember: Security isn't a part-time job -it's an imperative, all 37 1/2 hours of the week!
Thanks, Bill
Submitted by Dave, Bolder Co.
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What follows is a
transcript of the speech delivered by Larry Ellison, CEO of
ORACLE (2nd Richest Man on the Planet) at the Yale University.
"Graduates of Yale University, I apologize if you have endured this type of prologue before, but I want you to do something for me.
Please, take a good look around you. Look at the classmate on your left. Look at the classmate on your right. Now, consider this:
Five years from now, 10 years from now, even 30 thirty years from now, odds are the person on your left is going to be a loser. The person on your right, meanwhile, will also be a loser. And
you, in the middle? What can you expect? Loser. Loserhood. Loser Cum Laude.
"In fact, as I look out before me today, I don't see a thousand hopes for a bright tomorrow. I don't see a thousand future leaders in a thousand industries. I see a thousand losers. "You're
upset. That's understandable. After all, how can I, Lawrence 'Larry' Ellison, college dropout, have the audacity to spout such heresy to the graduating class of one of the nation's most
prestigious institutions? I'll tell you why. Because I, Lawrence "Larry"
Ellison, second richest man on the planet, am a college dropout, and you are not.
"Because Bill Gates, richest man on the planet-for now, anyway-is a college dropout, and you are not.
"Because Paul Allen, the third richest man on the planet, dropped out of college, and you did not.
"And for good measure, because Michael Dell, No. 9 on the list and moving up fast, is a college dropout, and you, yet again, are not."
"Hmm... you're very upset. That's understandable. So let me stroke your egos for a moment by pointing out, quite sincerely, that your diplomas were not attained in vain. Most of you, I
imagine, have spent four to five years here, and in many ways what you've learned and endured will serve you well in the years ahead. You've established good work habits. You've established a
network of people that will help you down the road. And you've established what will be lifelong relationships with the word 'therapy.' All that of is
good. For in truth, you will need that network. You will need those strong work habits. You will need that therapy.
"You will need them because you didn't drop out, and so you will never be among the richest people in the world. Oh sure, you may, perhaps, work your way up to No. 10 or No. 11, like Steve
Ballmer. But then, I don't have to tell you who he really works for, do I?
And for the record, he dropped out of grad school. Bit of a late bloomer.
"Finally, I realize that many of you, and hopefully by now most of you, are wondering, 'Is there anything I can do? Is there any hope for me at all?' Actually, no. It's too late. You've
absorbed too much, think you know too much. You're not 19 anymore. You have a built-in cap, and I'm not referring to the mortar boards on your heads."
"Hmm... you're really very upset. That's understandable. So perhaps this would be a good time to bring up the silver lining. Not for you, Class of '00. You are a write-off, so I'll let you
slink off to your pathetic $40,000-a-year jobs, where your checks will be signed by former classmates who dropped out two years ago."
"Instead, I want to give hope to any underclassmen here today. I say to you, and I can't stress this enough: leave. Pack your things and your ideas and don't come back. Drop out. Start up.
"For I can tell you that a cap and gown will keep you down just as surely as these security guards dragging me off this stage are keeping me dow..."
Submitted by Kevin, Dallas, Tx.
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| How To Impress a Client
I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. While in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac. I was meeting
with a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late.
Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself.
I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "Hello Chris" at me when I was
with my client. He agreed.
Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him.
He said, "Hi Chris, what's happening?" To which I replied
"@$#&! off Gates, I'm in a meeting"
Submitted by Kevin, Dallas Tx.
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| Once upon a time there was a shepherd tending his sheep . . .
. . . at the edge of a country road. A brand new Lincoln SUV screeches to a halt next to him. The driver, a young man dressed in a Brioni suit, Cerrutti shoes, Ray-Ban
glasses, Jovial Swiss wrist watch and a Bhs tie gets out and asks the shepherd: "If I guess how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"
The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the sprawling field of sheep and says: "Okay."
The young man parks the SUV, connects his notebook and wireless modem, enters the NASA uplink, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables
filled with algorithms, then prints a report on his high tech mini printer. He then turns to the shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."
The shepherd answers: "That's correct, you can have the sheep of your choice."
The young man takes one of the animals and puts it in the back of his vehicle.
The shepherd looks at him and asks: "Now, if I guess your profession, will you pay me back in kind?"
The young man answers: "Sure."
The shepherd says: "You are a consultant."
"Exactly! How did you know," asks the young man?
Very simple, answers the shepherd. "First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew. Third, you do not
understand anything about my business and I'd really like to have my dog back."
Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
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| Do you know who in 1923 was:
1. President of the largest US steel company? 2. President of the largest US gas company? 3. President of the New York Stock Exchange? 4. Greatest US wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement? 6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were at one time considered some of the world's most successful men. At least they found the secret of making money.
Now more than 75 years later, do you know what has become of these men?
- The Pres. of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
- The Pres. of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, is insane.
- The Pres. of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
- The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
- The Pres. of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself.
- The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died of suicide.
The same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf championship, Gene Sarazan, won both the U.S. Open and PGA Championship. He died in 1999 at the age of 95,
played golf until he was 92, and was solvent at his death.
Conclusion: Stop worrying about business and start playing golf.
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10 dumb quotes from corporate memos - Company names withheld to protect the inept:
- From corporate security: "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday
and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
- Re: project planning: "Please provide a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter."
- From the IT department: "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
- From Marketing: "This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
- Quality control at its best: "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on
it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
- In response to an inquiry about a deadline: "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
- In response to a request for time off to attend the funeral of a family member: "That is our busiest day of the year. Could you change the burial to Friday? That
would be better for me."
- Plenty of notice: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above."
- From the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
- And finally: "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
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