The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your cat do?". The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, pooped on the paper, pounced on the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

Read the dog version of this ... Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are.

• I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
• Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
• Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
• Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
• I DON'T HAVE AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM, YOU HAVE A PERCEPTION PROBLEM.
• My reality check bounced.
• On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
• I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
• You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
• Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
• Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
• Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
• A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
• Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
• After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
• You can go anywhere you want if you look serious.
• Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
• If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
• When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
• Following the rules will not get the job done.
• When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
• Only the mediocre are at their best all the time.
• There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
• Bring ideas in and entertain them royally, for one of them may be the king.
• If at first you don't succeed...... skydiving isn't for you.

The following is an excerpt from the July 1943 issue of Mass Transportation. This was serious and written for male supervisors of women in the work force during World War II-a mere 54 years ago! For those of you who find yourselves working inefficiently during the day, the solution will be found in #8!

There's no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage.

Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject from Western Properties:

1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they're less likely to be flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn't be doing it, they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.
2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It's always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.
3.  General experience indicates that "husky" girls - those who are just a little on the heavy side - are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.
4.  Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination - one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.
5. Stress at the outset the importance of time - the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.
6. Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they'll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.
7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.
8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.
9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can't shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman - it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.
10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she'll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.
11. Get enough size variety in operator's uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can't be stressed too much in keeping women happy.

The irate ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on Charlie taxi way; you turned right on Delta. Stop right there. I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's and D's but get it right".

Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, USAir 2771??"

The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am".

Naturally, the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air Flight 2771. No one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Shortly after the controller finished her admonishment of the U.S. Air crew, an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked:

"Wasn't I married to you once?"

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"

INSTRUCTIONS: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.

HISTORY: Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophica impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.

MEDICINE: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.

PUBLIC SPEAKING: 2500 riot- crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

BIOLOGY: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to it probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.

MUSIC: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with a flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

PSYCHOLOGY: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Rameses II, Gregory of Nicia, Hammurabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

SOCIOLOGY: Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

ENGINEERING: The disassembled parts of a high- powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

ECONOMICS: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a method from all possible points of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.

POLITICAL SCIENCE: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio- political effects, if any.

EPISTEMOLOGY: Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your stand.

PHYSICS: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

PHILOSOPHY: Sketch the development of human thought, estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

If you finish early turn your paper in at the table at the front of the room.

The chief reason is that the contents are no longer strictly confidential. In all but the rarest of cases a letter is apt to be favorable, even when the writer knows the candidate is

mediocre or unqualified. This is because the writer fears that the candidate may later exercise his legal right to read the letter, and perhaps even sue if the contents are not to his liking.

While abolishing the practice of requiring letters of recommendation may at first seem like a good idea, there is really no better way to get reliable information about a candidate's qualifications than to ask people who have had close contact with him or her. What is needed is a means by which the letter writer can convey unfavorable information in a way that the candidate cannot perceive as such.

To this end the Lexicon of Inconspicuously Ambiguous Recommendations, or LIAR was developed. Here are a few samples:

• To describe a candidate who is woefully inept: "I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
• To describe a candidate who is not particularly industrious: "In my opinion you would be very fortunate to get this person to work for you."
• To describe a candidate with lackluster credentials: "All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."
• To describe an ex-employee who had difficulty getting along with his co-workers: "I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."
• To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be better left unfilled: "I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."
• To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration: "I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.''

• You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
• You find humor in other people's stupidity.
• You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work from 8 to 3 and have your summers free!"
• You believe chocolate is a food group.
• You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
• You believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own box on the report card.
• You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."
• When out in public you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.
• You have no time for a life from August to June.
• Marking all A's on report cards would make your life SO much simpler.
• When you mention "vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.
• You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
• You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
• You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the "lounge."
• You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
• You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling.
• You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for at least 5 years.
• You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would never DREAM of doing your job.
• You can't have children because there's no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it uttered.
• You think caffeine should be available to staff in IV form.
• You know you're in for a MAJOR project when a parent says, " I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun!
• You smile weakly, but want to choke a person when he/she says, "Oh, you must have such FUN every day. It must be like playtime for you."
• Your personal life comes to a screeching halt at report card time.
• Meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this ?!?!"