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For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband
purchased a week of personal training . . .
. . . at the local health club for me. Although I am still in
great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I
called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
I'll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My
husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
Monday: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but
found it was well worth it when I arrived at
the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a
Greek God - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white
smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was
alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing
next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the
skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my
workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my
sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the
whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it
out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron
bar into the air - then he put weights on it! My legs were a
little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's
rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a
whole new life for me.
Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on
the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth
over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was
OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a
GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me,
insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice
is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds,
he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt
when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster.
Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get
in shape and enjoy life. He said some other junk too.
Thursday: Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth
exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.
I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to
tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he
was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to
find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which
I sank.
Friday: I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being has
ever hated any other human being in the history of the world
Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader wanna-be bastard. If
there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain,
I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I
don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor,
don't hand me the &*@*#$ barbells or anything that weighs more
than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school
you attended and graduated magna cum laude from, you Nazi
bastard.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and
nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like
the drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday: Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just
hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner.
However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended
up catching eleven straight hours of the *$@#&& Weather
Channel.
Sunday: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today
so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray
that next year my husband will choose a gift for me
that is fun - like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
Submitted by Vicki, Kennett Square, Pa.
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More great
insights on life from kids
- How do you decide who to
marry?
- You got to find somebody
who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she
should like it that you like sports, and she should keep
the chips and dip coming. Alan, age 10
- No person really decides
before they grow up who they're going to marry. God
decides it before, and you get to find out later who
you're stuck with. Kirsten, age 10
- What is the right age to get
married?
- Twenty-three is the best
age because you know the person forever by then. Camille,
age 10
- No age is good to get
married at. You got to be a fool to get married. Freddie,
age 6
- How can a stranger tell if two
people are married?
- You might have to guess,
based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
Derrick, age 8
- What do you think your mom
and dad have in common?
- Both don't want any more
kids. Lori, age 8
- What do most people do on a
date?
- Dates are for having fun,
and people should use them to get to know each other. Even
boys have something to say if you listen long enough
lynnette, age 8
- On the first date, they
just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them
interested enough to go for a second date. Martin, age 10
- What would you do on a first
date that was turning sour?
- I'd run home and play
dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and
make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
Craig, age 9
- When is it okay to kiss
someone?
- When they're rich. Pam,
age 7
- The law says you have to
be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. Curt,
age 7
- The rule goes like this:
if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have
kids with them. It's the right thing to do. Howard, age 8
- Is it better to be single or
married?
- I don't know which is
better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to
have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
Theodore, age 8
- It's better for girls to
be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up
after them. Anita, age 9
- How would the world be
different if people didn't get married?
- There sure would be a lot
of kids to explain, wouldn't there? Kelvin, age 8
"And the #1 favorite
is........"
- How would you make a marriage
work?
- Tell your wife that she
looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. Ricky, age 10
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