Best Blond
One-liners for 2001 (part 2)
- A brunette is standing on
some train tracks, jumping from rail to rail, saying
"21" "21" "21" A Blonde walks
up, sees her and decides to join her. She also starts
jumping from rail to rail, saying "21"
"21" "21" Suddenly, the brunette hears a
train whistle and jumps off the tracks just as the Blonde is
splattered all over the place. The Brunette goes back to
jumping from rail to rail , counting "22"
"22" "22"
- How do you drown a Blonde?
Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the
pool.
- Why does it take longer to
build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one. You have
to hollow out the head.
- How do you get a twinkle in
a Blonde's eye? Shine a flashlight in her ear.
- Why don't Blondes like
making KOOL-AID? Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in
the little packet.
- Did you hear about the two
Blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at the
drive-in movie theater? They went to see "Closed for
Winter".
- Why won't they hire Blondes
as pharmacists? They keep breaking the prescription bottles
in the typewriters.
- A Blonde walks up to a Coke
machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde
looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She
returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course
the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks
up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few
minutes before stopping and asking if someone else could
have a go. The blonde spins around and shouts in her face,
"No,can't you see I'm winning?!"
- Two blondes were walking
through the woods and they upon some tracks. The first
blonde said, "These look like deer tracks," and
the other one said, "No they look like moose
tracks." They were still arguing when the train hit
them.
- Two blondes were in a
parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with
a coat hanger, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat
hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her
friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain
and the top is down!"
- A young blonde woman is
distraught because she fears her husband is having an
affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. Then
one day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a
beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own
head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading
with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde
responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
- Hear about the blonde that
got an AM radio? It took her a month to realize she could
play it at night.
- What happened to the blonde
Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training.
- What did the blonde say when
she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! They
spelled MACY'S wrong!"
- Why did the blonde scale the
chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side.
- How do you make a blonde
laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Submitted by Kate, San
Francesco, Calif.
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One Liners from
airline pilots and flight attendants (part 2)
- "Your seat cushions can
be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency
water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."
- "Should the cabin lose
pressure, oxygen masks will drop down from the overhead
area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose
before assisting children ... or other adults acting like
children."
- "As you exit the plane,
make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left
behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
- And from the pilot during
his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is please to have
some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
- Heard on Southwest Airlines
just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight
attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here
to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the
pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault... it
was the asphalt!"
- Overheard on an American
Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly
windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain
was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats
with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's
left of our airplane to the gate!"
- Another flight attendant's
comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to
please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."
- After a real crusher of a
landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats
until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to
a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke
has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open
the door and you can pick your way thought thewreckage to
the terminal."
- Part of a flight attendant's
arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for
flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane
urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
- A plane was taking off from
Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising
altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain
speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New
York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and,
therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.
Now sit back and relax ... OH, MY GOD!"
- Silence followed and after a
few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier. While I was speaking, the flight attendant brought
me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You
should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in coach
said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of
mine!"
Submitted by Marianne,
Columbia, Md.
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