Humor Additions for Wednesday, October 17th, 2001


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A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes.

They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts even more loudly in chant.

Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster.

When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in just 51 days!"
 

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Women's keywords and their meaning.

"Fine": This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but need to shut the man up. Men will never be allowed to end a sentence with the word "fine" and just walk away, this word is for the sole use of women in this context. Oh, and by the way, (refer to the definition of "Oh" below), NEVER use "fine" to describe how a woman looks, or in about "five minutes" (see below also), you will hear the word "Fine" followed by silence.

"Five minutes": This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so she feels that it's an even trade.

"Nothing": This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

"Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

"Go Ahead" (with normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a Raised Eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

A Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

A Soft Sigh: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

"Oh": This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, I talked to John about what you two were doing last night". If she says "Oh, by the way" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. When she is done tossing your clothes out the window, she will tell you that she is "Fine" but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as a question, as in, "Oh??!!" usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a Raised Eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

"That's Okay": This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retribution for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often combined with the word "Fine" and accompanied by the Raised Eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point, probably without warning, in either the near or distant future (time holds no significance here), you are going definitely going o remember this initial moment and regret it. More than likely you will regret it more than once over the duration of your relationship.

"Please Do": This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay" scenario.

"Thanks": A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

"Thanks A Lot": This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the

"Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing"....see paragraph one.

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.
 

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It has been reported that Bin Laden has been recruiting suicide bombers from India.  

We now have proof of a new wave of attacks from the sky but there is little to fear.  The accuracy rate is very-very low and the destruction, as you can see is minimal.



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