• Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
• "Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
• "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
• "I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style."
• "This'll jar your preserves."
• "Cute as a sack full of puppies."
• "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
• "Gooder than grits."
• "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
• "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
• "Wintery roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."
• "A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
• "When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."
• "If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
• "A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering doo-doo on a marble floor."
• "She's uglier than homemade soap."
• "Your momma's so fat, when she got on the scales to be weighed, it said 'To be continued'."
• "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
• "Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
• "The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"
• "I'm just about as welcome at my inlaws as a hair in a biscuit."

Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

(BIG trouble here!)

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, Sir," the new employee replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

Although this looks like a picture taken from a Hollywood movie, it is in fact a real photo, taken near the South African coast during a military exercise by the British Navy. [Editor's note:  Contrary to the caption that came along with this photo ... the photo has been proven to be a fake ...]