• Your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters.
• Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
• The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
• The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
• The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "An apple a day."
• Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
• "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.
• With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with little "M"s on them.

And the Number 1 Sign You've Joined a Cheap HMO . . .

• The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

"A friend just got back from a holiday skiing trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart.

Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, the "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below, doesn't help matters.

So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods and no one would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants, and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you don't move.

Yup, you got it!!! She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during the most embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them and onto another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.

She continued backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nudie show, then summoned the ski patrol. They transported her to a hospital.

While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk. "It was the darndest thing you ever saw", he said. "I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out-of-control, down the mountain, with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and her pants down around her knees. I leaned over to get a better look and fell out of the lift." "So, how'd you break your arm?