• At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
• Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
• Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
• Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"
• Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
• Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
• Dont use any punctuation marks
• As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
• Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
• Sing along at the opera.
• Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
• Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
• Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
• Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.
• When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd time this week!!!!!"
• When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"
• Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

Here are just a few reasons why:

• An older woman will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
• An older woman knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 50 give a damn what you might think about her.
• An older, single woman usually has had her fill of "meaningful relationships" and "commitment." The last thing she needs in her life is another dopey, clingy, whiny, dependent lover!
• Older women are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.
• Most older women cook well. They care about cleanliness and are generous with praise, often undeserved.
• An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends.
• A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Older women couldn't care less.
• Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to an older woman. They always know.
• An older woman looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
• Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one.

Yes, we praise older women for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coifed babe of 70 there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22 year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize for all of us.

That men are genetically inferior is no secret. Count your blessings that we die off at a far younger age, leaving you the best part of your lives to appreciate the exquisite woman you've become, without the distraction of some demanding old man clinging and whining his way into your serenity.