God Finds Out About Lawn
Care"Winterize your lawn," the
big sign outside the garden store commanded. I've fed it, watered
it, mowed it, raked it and watched a lot of it die anyway. Now I'm
supposed to winterize it? I hope it's too late. Grass lawns have
to be the stupidest thing we've come up with outside of thong
swimsuits! We constantly battle dandelions, Queen Anne's lace,
thistle, violets, chicory and clover that thrive naturally, so we
can grow grass that must be nursed through an annual four step
chemical dependency.
Imagine the conversation The Creator might
have with St. Francis about this:
"Frank you know all about gardens and
nature. What in the world is going on down there? What happened to
the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I
had a perfect, no maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in
any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The
nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracted butterflies, honey
bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of
colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles."
"It's the tribes that settled there, Lord.
The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and
went to great extent to kill them and replace them with grass."
"Grass? But it's so boring. It's not
colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only
grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do
these suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?"
"Apparently so, Lord. They go to great
pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by
fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in
the lawn."
"The spring rains and cool weather
probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the
Suburbanites happy."
"Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows
a little, they cut it _ sometimes twice a week."
"They cut it? Do they then bale it like
hay?"
"Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it
up and put it in bags."
"They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do
they sell it?"
"No, sir. Just the opposite. They pay to
throw it away."
"Now let me get this straight. They
fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut
it off and pay to throw it away?"
"Yes, sir."
"These Suburbanites must be relieved in
the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That
surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work."
"You aren't going believe this Lord. When
the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more
money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get
rid of it."
"What nonsense! At least they kept some of
the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so
myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and
shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and
form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect
the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost
to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life."
"You better sit down, Lord. The
Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall,
they rake them into great piles and have them hauled away."
"No! What do they do to protect the shrub
and tree roots in the winter and keep the soil moist and loose?"
"After throwing away your leaves, they go
out and buy something they call mulch. They haul it home and
spread it around in place of the leaves."
"And where do they get this mulch?"
"They cut down trees and grind them up."
"Enough! I don't want to think about this
anymore. Saint Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie
have you scheduled for us tonight?"
"Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid
movie about..."
"Never mind I think I just heard the whole
story."
Submitted by Debbie, Middletown