Humorous reflections on life by
noted personalities ...
- I once had a rose named
after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read
the description in the catalogue: "no good in a bed, but fine up
against a wall". (Eleanor Roosevelt)
- The secret of a good sermon is to have
a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close
together as possible. (George Burns)
- Santa Claus has the right idea - visit
people only once a year. (Victor Borge)
- Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint. (Mark Twain)
- What would men be without women?
Scarce, sir, mightyscarce. (Mark Twain)
- By all means marry: If you get a good
wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a
philosopher. (Socrates)
- I was married by a judge. I should have
asked for a jury. (Groucho Marx)
- Whatever women do they must do twice as
well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not
difficult. (Charlotte Whitton)
- My wife has a slight impediment in her
speech - every now and then she stops to breathe. (Jimmy Durante)
- The male is a domestic animal which, if
treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most
things. (Jilly Cooper)
- I never hated a man enough to give his
diamonds back. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)
- Only Irish coffee provides in a single
glass all four essential food groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar
and fat. (Alex Levine)
- Don't go around saying the world owes
you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
(Mark Twain)
- My luck is so bad that if I bought a
cemetery, people would stop dying. (Ed Furgol)
- Money can't buy you happiness, but it
does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. (Spike Milligan)
- I am opposed to millionaires, but it
would be dangerous to offer me the position. (Mark Twain)
- Until I was thirteen, I thought my name
was 'shut up.' (Joe Namath)
- I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face
it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere. (George Burns)
- At my age flowers scare me. (George
Burns)
- Youth would be an ideal state if it
came a little later in life. (Herbert Henry Asquith)
- The secret of staying young is to live
honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. (Lucille Ball)
- I don't feel old - I don't feel
anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. (Bob Hope)
- A woman drove me to drink - and I
hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. (W.C. Fields)
- I never drink water because of the
disgusting things that fish do in it. (W.C. Fields)
- It takes only one drink to get me
drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth
or the fourteenth. (George Burns)
- Some guy hit my fender the other day,
and I said unto him "Be fruitful and multiply." But not in those
words. (Woody Allen)
- If only God would give me some sign...a
clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss
bank.
- (Selections from the Allen Notebooks,
New Yorker)
- Another good thing about being poor is
that when you are seventy your children will not have you
declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
(Woody Allen)
- If you want to make GOD Laugh, tell him
your future plans. (Woody Allen)
- Those are my principals, if you don't
like them...... I have others." (Groucho Marx)
- Last week I stated this woman was the
ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her
sister and now wish to withdraw that statement. (Mark Twain)
Submitted by
Debbie,
Middletown, Md.
|
|
Return to: Top
of Page, List
of Humorous Sayings, My Little
Sister's Jokes,
|
|
Recently seen saying on tee
shirts ...
- My husband and I
divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I
didn't!
- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy
every minute of it.
- I used to have a handle on life, but it
broke.
- Don't take life too seriously, you
won't get out alive.
- You're just jealous because the voices
only talk to me.
- I'm not a complete idiot, some parts
are missing.
- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
- If man evolved from monkeys and apes,
why do we still have monkeys and apes?
- I took an IQ test and the results were
negative.
- Failure is not an option. It comes
bundled with the software.
- Stupidity is not a handicap. Park
elsewhere!
Submitted by John, Emmitsburg, Md.
|
|
Return to: Top
of Page, List
of Humorous Sayings, My Little
Sister's Jokes,
|
|
Beer Drinking Troubleshooting Guide
...
|
Symptom |
Likely Cause |
Corrective Action |
|
|
Feet cold and wet |
Glass being held at incorrect
angle |
Rotate glass so that open end
points toward ceiling |
|
Beer unusually pale and
tasteless |
Glass empty |
Get someone to buy you another
beer |
|
Opposite wall covered with
fluorescent lights |
You have fallen over backward |
Have yourself leashed to bar |
|
Mouth contains cigarette butts |
You have fallen forward |
See above |
|
Beer tasteless, front of your
shirt is wet |
Mouth not open, or glass
applied to wrong part of face |
Retire to restroom, practice
in mirror |
|
Floor blurred |
You are looking through bottom
of empty glass |
Get someone to buy you another
beer |
|
Floor moving |
You are being carried out |
Find out if you are being
taken to another bar |
|
Room seems unusually dark |
Bar has closed |
Confirm home address with
bartender |
|
Taxi suddenly takes on
colorful aspect and textures |
Beer consumption has exceeded
personal limitations |
Cover mouth |
|
Everyone looks up to you and
smiles |
You are dancing on the table |
Fall on somebody cushy-looking |
|
Beer is crystal-clear |
It's water. Somebody is trying
to sober you up |
Punch him |
|
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind
unusually clear |
You have been in a fight |
Apologize to everyone you see,
just in case it was them |
|
Don't recognize anyone, don't
recognize the room you're in |
You've wandered into the wrong
party |
See if they have free beer |
|
Your singing sounds distorted |
The beer is too weak |
Have more beer until your
voice improves |
|
Don't remember the words to
the song |
Beer is just right |
Play air guitar |
Submitted by
Bill, Narberth, Pa.
|
|
Return to: Top
of Page, List of
Drinking Jokes, My Little
Sister's Jokes,
|
|
|
Optical Illusions take 2 - Count
the black dots ... |
|
|
August
13th Humor Page
|
|