Humor Additions for Wednesday, Dec 17th, 2003


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The Lawyer's version of it was a night before Christmas ...

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter. The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as ("I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the party of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap.

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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More totally useless facts ... part whatever ...

  • A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
  • Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.
  • The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
  • A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
  • A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
  • A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2" by 3-1/2".
  • On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily! (That explains a few mysteries....)
  • Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
  • Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
  • The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.
  • There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.
  • The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded Wendy before.
  • The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
  • If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (Who was the sadist who discovered this??)
  • Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.
  • The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA."
  • The original name for butterfly was flutterby.
  • The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
  • The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so the called themselves Motorola.
  • Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.
  • By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.
  • Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
  • Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.
  • Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
  • Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, "Elementary, my dear Watson."
  • An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than three steps backwards while dancing!
  • The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.
  • The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries.
  • Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.
  • Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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