Getting the Christmas Office
Party Memo Right ...
December 13st To: All Employees:
I'm happy to inform you that the
company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at
Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and
a small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing
along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa
Claus to light the Christmas tree. Exchange of gifts among
employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be
over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis, Human Resources
Director
December 14th To: All Employees:
In no way was yesterday's memo
intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that
Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with
Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now
on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies
to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will
be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays
to you and your family.
Patty Lewis, Human Resources
Director
December 15th To: All
Employees:
Regarding the anonymous note I
received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a
non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but,
don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only,"
you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the
gifts exchange -- no gifts will be allowed since the union members
feel that $10 is too much money.
Patty Lewis, Human Researchers
Director
December 16th To: All Employees:
I've arranged for members of
Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and
pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit
with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men;
each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower
arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now? Patty Lewis,
Human Racehorses Director
December 17th To: All Employees:
People, people -- nothing
sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even
if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no
evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
Patty Lewis, Human Rat Races
December 18th To: All Employees:
Vegetarians -- I've had it with
you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit
whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest
from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar
only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have
feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them
scream. I'm hearing them right now... Ha! I hope you all have a
rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell
December 19th To: All Employees:
I'm sure I speak for all of us in
wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related
illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the
sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our
Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with
full pay.
Terri Bishop Acting Human
Resources Director
Submitted by Richard,
Williamsport, MD.
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