New Year's Resolutions for Horses
- I CAN walk and poop at the same time. I
can, I can, I can.
- I will NOT stop and poop or urinate
every time I pass the same spot in the arena.
- I will NOT leave when my rider falls
off.
- My stall is NOT my litter box. When I
have free access to my paddock, I will NOT go back inside to
pee.
- I will NOT roll in streams or try to
roll when my human is on my back.
- I will NOT leap over large nonexistent
obstacles when the whim strikes.
- I will NOT walk faster on the way home
than I did on the way out.
- I promise NOT to swish my tail while my
human is cleaning my back feet.
- I promise also NOT to choose that
particular time to answer nature's call.
- I will NOT bite my furrier's butt just
because it is there.
- I will NOT confuse my human's blond
hair for really soft hay.
- I will NOT wipe green slime down the
back of my human's white shirt.
- I will NOT blow my nose on my human.
- I will NOT try to mooch goodies off
every human within a 1 mile radius.
- I will NOT lay totally flat out in my
stall with my eyes glazed over and my legs straight out and
pretend I can't hear my human frantically screaming "Are you
asleep?"
- I will NOT chase the ponies into the
electric fence to see if it is on.
- I will promise NEVER to dump the
wheelbarrow of manure over while a human is mucking my stall.
- I will NOT grab my lead rope in my
mouth and attempt to lead myself.
- I will NOT have an attitude problem. I
won't, I won't, I won't!
- I will NOT pull my new shoes off the
very next day just to prove that I can.
- I am neither a beaver nor a carpenter.
I promise I won't eat or remodel the barn or the new fences.
- I WILL forgive my human for the very
bad haircut, even though I look like a freak.
- I accept that not every carrot is for
me.
- I will NOT do the Arab Teleport Trick
when a bad/naughty/awful Horsasaurus Monster breathes at me.
- I will NOT jump in the air and turn 180
degrees every time I see a bicycle.
- I will understand that bicycles are NOT
carnivorous.
- I will NOT shy at familiar objects just
for fun.
- I will NOT bite the butt of the horse
in front of me during the trail ride just to say "Hi".
- I WILL put my ears forward and
cooperate when it comes to photos.
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD.
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Things a good dog remembers
- The garbage collector is
not stealing our stuff.
- I do not need to suddenly stand
straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
- I will not roll my toys behind the
'fridge or sofa or under the bed.
- I must shake the rainwater off of my
coat before entering the house.
- I will not eat the cats' food before
they eat it or after they throw it up.
- I will stop trying to find the few
remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to
get sick.
- I will not throw up in the car.
- I will not roll on dead or decaying
mammals, fish or fowl just because I like the way they smell.
- "Kitty box crunchies," although they
are tasty, are not food.
- I will not eat any more Kleenex or
napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after
processing.
- The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
- I will not chew my human's toothbrush
and not tell them.
- I will not chew crayons or pens,
especially not the red ones, or my owners will think I am
hemorrhaging.
- When in the car, I will not insist on
having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
- Even though we have a door bell, I will
not bark each time I hear one on TV.
- I will not steal my mom's underwear and
dance all over the back yard with it.
- The sofa is not a face towel. Neither
are Mom & Dad's laps.
- My head does not belong in the
refrigerator.
- I will not bite the Trooper's hand when
he reaches in for Dad's driver's license and car registration.
- I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's
underwear when he's on the toilet.
- To avoid having a string hanging out of
my butt, I will not eat mint-flavored dental floss out of the
bathroom garbage.
- I will not "roll around in the dirt"
after getting a bath.
- I will not fart, belch, or sneeze at my
owner while sleeping in their bed.
- I will not come in from outside and
immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
- The toilet bowl is not a never-ending
water supply and just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean
it is cleaner.
- The cat is not a squeaky toy... So when
I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good
thing.
Submitted by Penny, MD.
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As I was packing for my business
trip... ...my
3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the
bed.
At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at
this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her
entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth
and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!"
Pretending to eat them before I rushed out
of the room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on
the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
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Dec 1st Humor Page
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