You know you’re a Southerner when...
- You know the difference between a
hissie fit and a conniption, and that you don't "have" them, you
"pitch" them.
- You know how many fish, collard greens,
turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess."
- You can show or point out to you the
general direction of "yonder."
- You know exactly how long "directly" is
_ as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
- You know that "Gimme some sugar" is not
a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a
pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.
- You know exactly when "by and by" is.
They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
- You know instinctively that the best
gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of
hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the
neighbor's trouble is a real
- crisis, they also know to add a large
banana puddin'!)
- You grow up knowing the difference
between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know
that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
- You know and understand the difference
between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
- You never assume that the car with the
flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
- You know that "fixin'" can be used as a
noun, a verb, or an adverb.
- You know that the term "booger" can be
a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger,"
a first name or something that jumps out at you in the dark and
scares you senseless.
- You make friends while standing in
lines. We don't do "queues", we do "lines," and when we're "in
line," we talk to everybody!
- You never refer to one person as
"y'all."
- You know grits come from corn and how
to eat them.
- You know tomatoes with eggs, bacon,
grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is
also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a
breakfast food.
- You say things like, "Well, I caught
myself lookin' .. ,"
- You say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk."
Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it _ we do
not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want
buttermilk.
- You know that if you are with a couple
of friends you could be with 2 or 10. The number doesn't matter.
- You know you don't scream obscenities
at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just
say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.
Submitted by Vicki
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Those Funny Kids
I was driving with my three young
children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible
ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was
reeling from the shock, I heard my 5_year_old shout from the back
seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming
out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the
toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary
stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and
came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a
charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then,
'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
On the first day of school, a
first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note
read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily
those of his parents."
A woman was trying hard to get
the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone
rang so she asked her 4_year_old daughter to answer the phone.
"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she
added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.
She's hitting the bottle."
A little boy got lost at the YMCA
and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted,
the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and
running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then
asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy
before?"
While taking a routine vandalism
report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl
about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked,
"Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the
report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the
police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well,
then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you
please tie my shoe?"
It was the end of the day when I
parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my
equipment, my K_9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little
boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he
asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and
then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
While working for an organization
that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my
4_year_old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly
intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the
canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a
pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the
inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered,
"The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
A little girl was watching her
parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his
tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And
why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache
the next morning."
While walking along the sidewalk
in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a
prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his
5_year_old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling
that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small
box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the
disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the
appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version
of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the
Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ....and into the hole he gooooes."
A little girl had just finished
her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to
her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me
talk!"
A little boy opened the big
family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old
pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the
object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been
pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy
called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in
the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's
underwear!"
Submitted by Andy
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