• You've watched the movie "Deliverance" and you're afraid to go on a camping trip. Ever.
• For breakfast you'd rather have potatoes than grits.
• You can name at least 4 hockey teams.
• You've never eaten Okra.
• You wonder why people in restaurants don't talk as loud as you do.
• You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun & knife show.
• You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
• You've never had grain alcohol.
• You are familiar with all the rules to Lacrosse.
• You have no idea what a polecat is.
• You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
• You've never had bangs.
• You'd rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
• You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
• You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
• You refer to two or more people as "you guys" instead of "y'all".
• You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
• You prefer a bagel over a donut.
• You don't know anyone who goes by both their first and middle names.
• You get freaked out when strangers in public talk to you.
• You don't know what a Piggly-Wiggly is.
• You think NASCAR stands for the North American Society for...(something)
• You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
• You use the horn in your car more than once or twice a year.
• Everything you know about the Civil War you learned watching TV.
• You don't "reckon."
• You're not "fixin" to do anything.

Submitted by Susan, Hanover, Pa.

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She noted that women customarily walked a few feet behind their husbands. In a follow-up story, she returned to Iraq recently and observed that men now walked several yards behind their wives.

The reporter approached one of the Iraqi women and said, "This is marvelous! Can you tell the free world just what it was that enabled women here to achieve this total reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," replied the woman.

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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• Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
• The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
• Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
• Life is sexually transmitted.
• An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
• If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
• Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
• Get the last word in: Apologize. !
• Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
• Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
• Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?
• Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
• All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
• Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
• In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
• Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
 

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May 26th Humor Page