Driving In Long Island
- A right-lane construction closure is
just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing
you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the
same drivers to squeeze their way back in before hitting the
orange construction barrels
- urn signals will give away your
next move. A real Long Island driver never uses them. Use of
them in Massapequa may be illegal
- Under no circumstances should you leave
a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the
space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even
more dangerous situation
- Crossing two or more lanes in a single
lane-change is considered "going with the flow."
- The faster you drive through a red
light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit
- Never get in the way of an older car
that needs extensive bodywork
- Braking is to be done as hard and late
as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice,
relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of
you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs
- Construction signs warn you about road
closures immediately after you pass the last exit before the
backup
- Electronic traffic warning signs are
not there to provide useful information. they are only there to
make Long Island look high-tech, and to distract you from seeing
the state police radar car parked on the median
- Never pass on the left when you can
pass on the right
- Speed limits are arbitrary figures,
given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable
during rush hour
- Just because you're in the left lane
and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a
Long Island driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't
think he can go faster in your spot
- Always slow down and rubberneck when
you see an accident, or even if someone is just changing a tire
- Throwing litter on the roads adds color
to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to
clean up
- It is assumed that state police cars
passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need to
make up a few minutes on your way to work, or the beach
- Learn to swerve abruptly. Long Island
is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to potholes
- It is traditional in Long Island to
honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light
changes
- Seeking eye contact with another driver
revokes your right of way, except in Garden City where it acts
as an invitation to duel or play chicken
- Never take a green light at face value.
Always look right and left before proceeding. In Long Island it
is common to stop and then decide which direction to turn
- Remember that the goal of every Long
Island driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary
- Real Long Island female drivers can put
on makeup, and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles per
hour, during a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper traffic
- Real Long Island male drivers can take
off pantyhose, unsnap a bra with one flick of their wrist at
seventy-five miles per hour during a snowstorm in
bumper-to-bumper traffic
- Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no
reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These
weather conditions are God's way of insuring a natural selection
process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales
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Nuns at a baseball game
Men sitting behind a couple of nuns at a
baseball game (with their habits partially blocking the view).
Three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to
move.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said,
"I think I'm going to move to Utah; there are only 100 nuns
there."
The second guy spoke up and said, "I want
to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns there."
The third guy said, "I want to go to
Idaho, there are only 25 nuns there."
One of the nuns turned around, looked at
the men, and in a very sweet calm voice said, "Why don't you go to
hell...... there aren't any nuns there."
Submitted by Lisa
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Did they mean to do that?
Take 3.
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