The famous
comedian Steven Wright, once said:
"I woke up one morning and
all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."
Here are some more of his gems:
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't
expect it back.
Half the people you know are below
average.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the
spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your
other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of
a bad memory.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up
with the rain.
All those who believe in psychokinesis,
raise my hand.
The early bird may get the worm, but the
second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she
left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of
invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you
have obviously overlooked something.
Depression is merely anger without
enthusiasm.
When everything is coming your way, you're
in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having
enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future: Laziness
pays off now.
I intend to live forever - so far, so
good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have
to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get
sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to
death twice?
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair
your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
Why do psychics have to ask you for your
name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all
evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got
tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get
until just after you need it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional
to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is
plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that
there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time
you'll have to catch up.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of
your body is required to be on it.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some
just don't have film.
Submitted by Donald Beard.
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