• Boogieman: The guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.
• Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.
• Frankenstein: Hot dog and a mug of beer.
• Full Moon: What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your fridge.
• Goblin: How you eat the snickers bars you got for Halloween.
• Invisible Man: What a guy becomes when there's housework to be done. Also, see "Mr. Hyde."
• Jack O' Lantern: An Irish Pumpkin.
• Jack the Ripper: What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing each week.
• Mummy: The person who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.
• Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.
• Skeleton: Any supermodel.
• Vampire Bat: What Dracula hits a baseball with.
• Witch: See "Mother-in-Law."
• Zombie: What you look like before that first cup of morning coffee

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife." So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket." She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

• Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
• Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
• Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."
• Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
• Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone incase they call him.
• If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
• Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
• Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
• All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
• The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
• Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
• Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
• All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
• A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
• Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
• All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
• Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.