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You Live in California when...
- You make over $250,000, and
you still can't afford to buy a house.
- The high school quarterback
calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
- The fastest part of your
commute is going down your driveway.
- You know how to eat an
artichoke.
- You drive your rented Mercedes
to your neighborhood block party.
- When someone asks you
how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get
there rather than how many miles away it is.
You Live in New York City when...
- You say "the city" and expect everyone
to know you mean Manhattan.
- You have never been to the Statue of
Liberty or the Empire State Building.
- You can get into a four-hour argument
about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery
Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
- You think Central Park is "nature,"
- You believe that being able to swear at
people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
- You've worn out a car horn.
- You think eye contact is an act of
aggression.
You Live in Maine when...
- You only have four spices: salt,
pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
- Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
- You have more than one recipe for
moose.
- Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with
less than eight buttons.
- The four seasons are: winter, still
winter, almost winter, and construction.
You Live in the Deep South when....
- You can rent a movie and buy bait in
the same store.
- "Ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is
plural.
- After five years you still hear, "You
ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
- "He needed killin' " is a valid
defense.
- Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob,
Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.
You live in Colorado when....
- You carry your $3,000 mountain bike
atop your $500 car.
- You tell your husband to pick up
Granola on his way home, and he stops at the day care center.
- A pass does not involve a football or
dating.
- The top of your head is bald, but you
still have a pony tail.
You live in the Midwest when...
- You've never met any celebrities, but
the mayor knows your name.
- Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars
waiting to pass a tractor.
- You have had to switch from "heat" to
"A/C" on the same day.
- You end sentences with a preposition:
"Where's my coat at?"
- When asked how your trip was to any
exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
You live in Florida when....
- You eat dinner at 3:15 in the
afternoon.
- All purchases include a coupon of some
kind -- even houses and cars.
- Everyone can recommend an excellent
dermatologist.
- Road construction never ends anywhere
in the state.
- Cars in front of you are often driven
by headless people.
Submitted by Kate, Columbia, MD
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List of You Know Your From,
My
Little Sister's Jokes,
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Farriers'
version of "He Said, She Heard"
-
He said: "I
think I can help this horse."
She heard: "I can fix this horse."
- He said:
"Here is the bill for today's
services."
She heard: "You can pay this
whenever you get around to it."
- He said:
"Because of your horse's previous
case history, the shoe that your vet
has prescribed may not be effective
for this particular problem." She
heard: "The vet doesn't know what
he's talking about."
- He said: "I
need for you to improve the working
conditions in the shoeing area."
She heard: "I'm too good to shoe
your horses."
- He said; "I
will be out sometime next week.
She heard: "I will definitely be
there Sunday."
- He said: "I
stand behind my work."
She heard: "...even if the shoes
come off after 12 weeks."
- He said:
"That horse needs training to learn
to stand for shoeing."
She heard: "I will train him each
time I come to shoe him."
- He said:
"There has been some success
correcting foal limb deviations."
She heard: "You've got a Derby
winner here."
- He said:
"Hitting a horse is not the best way
to teach him to stand for shoeing."
She heard: "Give him a carrot and
maybe he'll hold still."
Submitted
by Dick, Williamsport, MD
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List of Horse Jokes,
My Little
Sister's Jokes,
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There are moments in life when
you miss someone so much ...
...
that you just want to pick them from your
dreams and hug them for real! When the door of happiness closes,
another opens; but often times we look so long at the closed door
that we don't see the one which has been opened for us. Don't go
for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that fades
away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a
smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your
heart smile. Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to
go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one
chance to do all the things you want to do. May you have enough
happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong,
enough sorrow to keep you humble, enough hope to make you happy.
The happiest of people don't necessarily
have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything
that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be
based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you
let go of your past failures and heartaches. When you were born,
you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your
life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone
around you is crying. You may wish to send this to those who mean
something to you; to those who have touched your life in one way
or another; to those who make you smile when you really need it;
to those who make you see the brighter side of things when you are
really down, and to those whose friendship you appreciate; And if
you don't, don't worry, nothing bad will happen to you; you will
just miss out on the opportunity to brighten someone's day with
this message.
Stay in touch with your dreams. They will
always write back.
Submitted by Dolly, Myersville, MD
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Sister's Jokes,
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What you always expected . . .
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Sept 10th Humor Page
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