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Monday morning random thoughts
...
- When I was a kid I used
to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The
Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to
forgive me.
- I've often wanted to drown my troubles,
but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
- I went to a restaurant that serves
'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the
Renaissance.
- Well I was bullied at school, called
all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies
and said -'Sticks and stones may
- break my bones but names will never
hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones
all the way.
- My Dad used to say 'always fight fire
with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire
brigade.
- I saw six men kicking and punching the
mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said
'No, Six should be enough.'
- If we aren't supposed to eat animals,
then why are they made out of meat?
- I think animal testing is a terrible
idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
- If a person owns a piece of land do
they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
- Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous
when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is
Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
- Why does mineral water that 'has
trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
- Is French kissing in France just called
kissing?
- What do people in China call their good
plates?
Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
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14 Holiday Commandments
- When thou bakest the holiday goodies, thou will treat
thyself to some of the goodly ones and not just to the
slightly burnt ones that ye would be too embarrassed to giveth
unto others.
- Yea, though ye walk through the mall on December 24, ye
shall not buy any singing fish, nor any pull-my-finger gags,
no matter how desperate thou art to find something for thy
brother-in-law.
- When thy child's school doth gear up for another
fund-raising sale of holiday wrapping paper, think ye of the
thirty-seven unused rolls hiding in your closet -- and buy
another five rolls as thou always dost.
- When I regift unto you, and it turns out to be something
you gave unto me, lo, these many years ago, just put it away
to give unto me again next year. Have faith in this most
venerable truth: I will never remember.
- When I writest the holiday newsletter and proclaim that I
have been asked to sing with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir,
refrain from recalling my memorable turn massacring "Like a
Virgin" at the high school talent show.
- Nor will ye tie onto thy animals reindeer antlers or bells
that doth jingle. Thine husband, however, art fair game.
- Thou shalt not partake in the wearing of the matching
mother-daughter outfits until someone figures out how to make
the mother not looketh like a veritable idiot.
- Thou shalt not wear holiday-theme sweaters. Verily, no
Santas, Rudolphs, snowmen, nor elves. Especially elves.
- When thou deck the halls, I say unto you, the tinsel must
be placed one strand at a time. Except when thine husband
turns his back, then ye may throw it on in clumps and no shame
shall be upon ye.
- Thou shalt gain weight over the holidays. It is the way of
all flesh. Get thee over it.
- I say unto you: No holiday decoration may be put up sooner
than two weeks before the Great Day, and all must be taken
down before the next Thanksgiving. Verily.
- When thee and thine husband agree not to exchange of the
presents this year, hold this truth most dear: He really isn't
going to giveth anything unto you.
- Thou shalt buy thyself one really great present and open
it up in front of the family, exclaiming, "I love it! But
there be no card! Who giveth this unto me?" Wait to see if
anyone art snarky enough to claim credit.
- Thou shalt have health, grace, and peace in the New Year.
Even if thou art an elf.
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Women are like apples on
trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.
Most men don't want to
reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and
getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the
ground that aren't as good, but easy...
So the apples at the top
think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're
amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along,
the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the
tree. Share this with other women who are good apples, even those
who have already been picked!
And... Men?
Men are like a fine wine. They start out
as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them
until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, Pa.
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New York City chalk
artists ... take 2
Remember, these these are all drawings done on
sidewalks... so keep in mind the surfaces are flat!
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Dec 3rd Humor Page
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