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If Abbott and Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on first?" ... ... might have turned out something like this:
- Costello calls to buy a computer from Abbott
- Abbott: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
- Costello: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
- Abbott: Mac?
- Costello: No, the name's Lou.
- Abbott: Your computer?
- Costello: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
- Abbott: Mac?
- Costello: I told you, my name's Lou.
- Abbott: What about Windows?
- Costello: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
- Abbott: Do you want a computer with Windows?
- Costello: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
- Abbott: Wallpaper.
- Costello: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
- Abbott: Software for Windows?
- Costello: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write
- proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
- Abbott: Office.
- Costello: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
- Abbott: I just did.
- Costello: You just did what?
- Abbott: Recommend something.
- Costello: You recommended something?
- Abbott: Yes.
- Costello: For my office?
- Abbott: Yes.
- Costello: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
- Abbott: Office.
- Costello: Yes, for my office!
- Abbott: I recommend Office with Windows.
- Costello: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
- Abbott: Word.
- Costello: What word?
- Abbott: Word in Office.
- Costello: The only word in office is office.
- Abbott: The Word in Office for Windows.
- Costello: Which word in office for windows?
- Abbott: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
- Costello: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers, OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
- Abbott: Yes, you want Real One.
- Costello: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
- Abbott: Real One.
- Costello: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?
- Abbott: Of course.
- Costello: Great! With what?
- Abbott: Real One.
- Costello: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
- Abbott: You click the blue "1".
- Costello: I click the blue one what?
- Abbott: The blue "1".
- Costello: Is that different from the blue "w"?
- Abbott: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
- Costello: What word?
- Abbott: The Word in Office for Windows.
- Costello: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
- Abbott: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
- Costello: It is?
- Abbott: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
- Costello: And that word is real one?
- Abbott: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
- Costello: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
- Abbott: Money.
- Costello: That's right. What do you have?
- Abbott: Money.
- Costello: I need money to track my money?
- Abbott: It comes bundled with your computer.
- Costello: What's bundled with my computer?
- Abbott: Money.
- Costello: Money comes with my computer?
- Abbott: Yes. No extra charge.
- Costello: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
- Abbott: One copy.
- Costello: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
- Abbott: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
- Costello: They can give you a license to copy money?
- Abbott: Why not? They own it? They Own it?!
(A few days later)...
- Abbott: Super Duper computer store. May I help you?
- Costello: How do I turn my computer off?
- Abbott: Click on "START"
Submitted by Lorraine
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Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry; I don't understand who you are talking about".
Blond Caller: "On page 1 section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the computer from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
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Timmy was a little 5-year-old and his mom worried about him quite a bit ... ... now that he had started kindergarten. She walked him there the first few
times, but after the third day he told her he did not want her walking with him any more, he wanted to be like the big boys and walk alone - or with another little boy from the next street.
This gave his mother a problem, for she was sure something would happen if she didn't keep an eye on him, but after talking to her husband that night she came up with a possible solution. She went to a neighbor, Shirley Goodness, who lived three doors down the
road, and asked if she would mind keeping a discrete eye on Timmy for the next few mornings as he walked to school. "I'd be glad to," said Shirley. "I'll take little Marcy with me - we both could use more exercise."
The next day Mrs. Goodness and her daughter Marcy walked quite a long way behind Timmy and his friend as they went to school, making sure everything was all right, and they did it for the next five school days. Timmy's friend noticed this, and said "Hey, have
you noticed that lady and the little girl following us each day? They just hang back, don't go into the school, do you know them?"
"Yeah, I know who she is," replied Timmy with exasperation in his voice.
"Well, who is she?"
"That's Shirley Goodness and her daughter Marcy."
"Well, why are they following us all the time?"
"Well," explained Timmy with a sigh, "Every night my mom makes me say the 23rd psalm with my prayers 'cuz she worries about me so much. The psalm says Shirley Goodness and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life, so I guess I'll just have to get used to
it."
Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia
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Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
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Aug 10th Humor Page
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